Step-by-Stepping through your 2009 NFL Preview

Remember back in the 90's when we could actually predict the NFL? We knew the Cowboys would be good, or the 49ers would be good, and one of them would romp over an AFC team in the Super Bowl. It was as predictable as a 90's sitcom; a few jokes, a problem, a talking-to from Bob Saget, and ultimately, everything was resolved in 30 minutes. In order to predict the 2009 NFL season, I'm going to use the 1990's sitcom template of predictability, because even the parody of the NFL can't match a Tim "the Tool Man" talk with Wilson.

Boy Meets World

Remember when the show first started and Topanga was a total geek, then she blossomed into a hottie that Cory fell in love with? Kind of reminds me of Aaron Rodgers with Packer fans. He'll have another good season, kind of like how Topanga went from a B to a C cup, but the Green Bay Packers still won't make the 7:00 spot on the TGIF lineup (or the playoffs).

Cory's best friend was Shawn, a good looking kid from a poor family. The San Francisco 49ers are still a proud franchise, just a little poor right now with no stars, and no playoffs.

As for Cory's brother, Eric, he just always seemed to be a bit of a screw-up. Every once in a while, he'd get things right, like when he worked the mall Santa Claus bit and gave away presents to a bunch of poor kids, but then he'd retract straight back to stupid. Sounds to me like he's the Arizona Cardinals fresh off a Super Bowl run, who then goes back to feuding with his best players and finishing below 500.

Wings

I don't remember much about this show, other than how they spent a solid two seasons dealing with a name change between two pilots to try to get ahead financially. Sort of like Chad Johnson morphing into Chad Ochocinco. The show sucked, so will the Cincinnati Bengals.

Suddenly Susan

Speaking of crappy shows, remember when Brooke Sheilds couldn't even get a sitcom off the ground during NBC's hey day? Sorry, Terrell Owens, but your bright shining star with the Buffalo Bills will fade out a lot like Brooke's did. Just don't go and marry Andre Agassi.

Hanging with Mr. Cooper

A good show during a tough stretch of TGIF. The Houston Texans have a good team in a tough division, but I think this is the year they finally sign a 10-day contract with the Golden State Warriors, I mean, make the playoffs.

Full House

Although this show was one of the biggest on TV at one point, they never tackled any issue bigger than Stephanie feeling left out as the middle child. Sure, we learned that the middle child can be like the cream in the Oreo, but I wanted to see if D.J. and Steve would go all the way by their junior year of high school. They made out with each other like their lips were covered in delicious powdered sugar, and the Carolina Panthers seem to be paper contenders every year, but it looks like this year, they get about as far as Steve did. Maybe a boob grab, but definitely no playoffs.

Uncle Jesse was always the coolest guy on the show, kind of like how the Dallas Cowboys are America's Team. The year he jump-started the Smash Club, he also had twin boys with the morning anchor of Wake Up San Francisco. Looks like the Cowboys win the NFC East with their new stadium.

Roseanne

A dysfunctional family that was devoid of anyone good looking and was often times painful to watch. Ladies and gentlemen, the Oakland Raiders!

Friends

The most over-played story line in TV history was the on again, off again relationship between Ross and Rachel. Vince Young will play the role of Ross, with the Tennessee Titans being Rachel, and Kerry Collins being Ross' ex-wife who is rarely seen. They never got married, meaning Vinsanity won't bring the Titans to the playoffs.

Joey always had a way of getting ahead despite his limited mental capacity. Also, Matt Ryan looks like a guy who would say, "How you doin'?" to Atlanta's finest cougars. The Atlanta Falcons land a supporting role on a soap opera, but exit in the first round of the playoffs.

Jennifer Aniston is still a star despite the show being over for years and her having about as many good movies as I do. People still pick her as one of the most beautiful women in the world, almost by default, the way people like to pick the Seattle Seahawks. Sorry, Jen, I've moved on. Hopefully Bradley Cooper will give you another chance, but the Sea-chickens miss the playoffs again.

Sister, Sister

Tia and Tamara always fought to be the lead role in this show. Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson anyone? 5 wins for the Cleveland Browns, and 5 more Lifetime movie roles for the guy who played Ray.

Frasier

Niles secretly chased after Daphne for all those years, then he finally got her and shocked us all. After the chase was over, there was nothing else to really talk about. Eli Manning did the same thing with a Super Bowl win, but and 8-8 season and an average team gives New York Giants fans very little to brag about.

Frasier's dad Martin owned an ugly green chair that was the eye-sore of Frasier's beautiful downtown Seattle apartment. Looks a lot like the quarterbacks for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. A whole lot of duct tape on crappy chair in the middle of a talented team keeps the Bucs out of the playoffs.

Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Everyone knows the Pittsburgh Steelers have another team primed for a Super Bowl run, but breaking them down make a guy think they used witch craft. James Harrison, their best player and reigning Defensive P.O.Y., had to get here through the NFL Europe. Big Ben was in a life-threatening motorcycle accident that he sandwiched with two Super Bowl wins. Omar Epps is their coach. Sabrina gets Harvey to take her to the prom/playoffs again, but they don't go all the way.

Family Matters

This show rolled along as one of America's favorites until Jaleel White didn't want to be known as just Steve Urkel anymore. Stephon's character was born, and it was an unnecessary addition to a successful squad. Yes, that means you, Michael Vick, with the Philadelphia Eagles. He takes them from a Superbowl contender to a first round exit. Did I do that?

Remember when Eddie almost moved out of the house over a fight with Carl about a screwdriver? I think Mark Sanchez has one of those moments this year as the New York Jets miss the playoffs.

Meet Hanson

Don't you remember this show? MMMBop? Yeah, it was about as terrible and forgettable as the Detroit Lions will be this year.

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Carlton's jealousy of Will often times boiled over, like when he stole the ball from his cousin during the big basketball game so he could take, and miss, the final shot. Reminds me a lot of Josh McDaniels trying to be too much like Bill Belichek and tearing apart a halfways decent Denver Broncos team. They might even approach Meet Hanson territory this year.

All Hillary ever cared about was what she could buy, whether she needed it or not. Money was no object, was it Hillary 'Daniel Snyder' Banks? Albert Haynesworth stops trying now that he got paid, and the Washington Redskins playoff hopes fall like Hil's boyfriend Trevor during his bungee-jump.

After a few years, Vivian was replaced by another actress, but there was no real change. Tony Dungy is out with the Indianapolis Colts, but everything will run like he's still there. Another division title, but no Superbowl.

Coach

Hayden Frye leaves the college power Minnesota State Screaming Eagles for the professional expansion Orlando Breakers, with little to no success. Welcome to the Kansas City Chiefs, Matt Cassel.

Seinfeld

When George started doing the exact opposite of his instincts, he got hired by the Yankees and hopped into bed with a pretty girl. The St. Louis Rams have stopped trying to replicate the Greatest Show on Turf, and are now focusing on a strong offensive line and running game. They hop into bed with the NFC West title this year.

Poor Jerry couldn't remember his name's date, so he took a shot in the dark and called her Mulva. The Jacksonville Jaguars don't have three players an average fan could name. Maybe one of them is named Mulva. No soup for you, Jags.

The show, as a whole, was on top during the 90's, whether people liked to admit it or not. Just like the New England Patriots, who have owned this decade, and will win their division again this season. SERENITY NOW!!!

Blossom

Phillip Rivers looks like he would say "Whoa!" after signing his big new contract. Blossom also used to fantasize about receiving advice from celebrities. The San Diego Chargers will fantasize about a Superbowl, but fall short after winning the awful AFC West again.

Step-by-Step

Any time Frank looks like he was going to get a piece of Carol, one of their six children would come stomping into their bedroom. Poor Frank's balls must have been bluer than Paul Bunyan's ox, Babe. Yes, I'm talking about the Minnesota Vikings. Brett Favre might as well be Suzanne Somers, is hot beyond her years, but Frank, aka Viking fans, will never get any from her. A division title, but no Superbowl.

Remember how Dana was a raving bitch on the show? Well, that's Jay Cutler. He's a bitch. So the Chicago Bears don't make the playoffs. I hated Dana. They should have had more episodes about Al, especially after she got hot.

Home Improvement

Remember the episode where Brad gets a ponytail and everyone freaks out about it? Then they make peace with it, and we see him wear a ponytail for like one more episode. Sounds like the Miami Dolphins, who will return to the pack this year.

Tim "the Tool Man" suffered many explosions on Tool Time, and probably would have suffered a lot more had it not been for his sidekick Al. Sounds like Reggie Bush, who would probably be out of the NFL if it weren't for Drew Brees bailing him out with 7 to 8 swing passes every game, giving him some value. The New Orleans Saints with the NFC South this year. I do think so, Tim.

Every episode revolved around Tim's talk with Wilson. He solved every problem the Taylor family ever had, so naturally, Wilson Wilson will be the key to this year's NFL Champion. I think the Baltimore Ravens step up to the fence, talk out their problems, and win Superbowl XLIV over Dallas, who gets there just because I'm still in a 90's mood.

If you'll excuse me now, I have to check and see if the Olsen twins ever answered any of my fan mail.