Step-by-Stepping through your 2009 NFL Preview

Remember back in the 90's when we could actually predict the NFL? We knew the Cowboys would be good, or the 49ers would be good, and one of them would romp over an AFC team in the Super Bowl. It was as predictable as a 90's sitcom; a few jokes, a problem, a talking-to from Bob Saget, and ultimately, everything was resolved in 30 minutes. In order to predict the 2009 NFL season, I'm going to use the 1990's sitcom template of predictability, because even the parody of the NFL can't match a Tim "the Tool Man" talk with Wilson.

Boy Meets World

Remember when the show first started and Topanga was a total geek, then she blossomed into a hottie that Cory fell in love with? Kind of reminds me of Aaron Rodgers with Packer fans. He'll have another good season, kind of like how Topanga went from a B to a C cup, but the Green Bay Packers still won't make the 7:00 spot on the TGIF lineup (or the playoffs).

Cory's best friend was Shawn, a good looking kid from a poor family. The San Francisco 49ers are still a proud franchise, just a little poor right now with no stars, and no playoffs.

As for Cory's brother, Eric, he just always seemed to be a bit of a screw-up. Every once in a while, he'd get things right, like when he worked the mall Santa Claus bit and gave away presents to a bunch of poor kids, but then he'd retract straight back to stupid. Sounds to me like he's the Arizona Cardinals fresh off a Super Bowl run, who then goes back to feuding with his best players and finishing below 500.

Wings

I don't remember much about this show, other than how they spent a solid two seasons dealing with a name change between two pilots to try to get ahead financially. Sort of like Chad Johnson morphing into Chad Ochocinco. The show sucked, so will the Cincinnati Bengals.

Suddenly Susan

Speaking of crappy shows, remember when Brooke Sheilds couldn't even get a sitcom off the ground during NBC's hey day? Sorry, Terrell Owens, but your bright shining star with the Buffalo Bills will fade out a lot like Brooke's did. Just don't go and marry Andre Agassi.

Hanging with Mr. Cooper

A good show during a tough stretch of TGIF. The Houston Texans have a good team in a tough division, but I think this is the year they finally sign a 10-day contract with the Golden State Warriors, I mean, make the playoffs.

Full House

Although this show was one of the biggest on TV at one point, they never tackled any issue bigger than Stephanie feeling left out as the middle child. Sure, we learned that the middle child can be like the cream in the Oreo, but I wanted to see if D.J. and Steve would go all the way by their junior year of high school. They made out with each other like their lips were covered in delicious powdered sugar, and the Carolina Panthers seem to be paper contenders every year, but it looks like this year, they get about as far as Steve did. Maybe a boob grab, but definitely no playoffs.

Uncle Jesse was always the coolest guy on the show, kind of like how the Dallas Cowboys are America's Team. The year he jump-started the Smash Club, he also had twin boys with the morning anchor of Wake Up San Francisco. Looks like the Cowboys win the NFC East with their new stadium.

Roseanne

A dysfunctional family that was devoid of anyone good looking and was often times painful to watch. Ladies and gentlemen, the Oakland Raiders!

Friends

The most over-played story line in TV history was the on again, off again relationship between Ross and Rachel. Vince Young will play the role of Ross, with the Tennessee Titans being Rachel, and Kerry Collins being Ross' ex-wife who is rarely seen. They never got married, meaning Vinsanity won't bring the Titans to the playoffs.

Joey always had a way of getting ahead despite his limited mental capacity. Also, Matt Ryan looks like a guy who would say, "How you doin'?" to Atlanta's finest cougars. The Atlanta Falcons land a supporting role on a soap opera, but exit in the first round of the playoffs.

Jennifer Aniston is still a star despite the show being over for years and her having about as many good movies as I do. People still pick her as one of the most beautiful women in the world, almost by default, the way people like to pick the Seattle Seahawks. Sorry, Jen, I've moved on. Hopefully Bradley Cooper will give you another chance, but the Sea-chickens miss the playoffs again.

Sister, Sister

Tia and Tamara always fought to be the lead role in this show. Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson anyone? 5 wins for the Cleveland Browns, and 5 more Lifetime movie roles for the guy who played Ray.

Frasier

Niles secretly chased after Daphne for all those years, then he finally got her and shocked us all. After the chase was over, there was nothing else to really talk about. Eli Manning did the same thing with a Super Bowl win, but and 8-8 season and an average team gives New York Giants fans very little to brag about.

Frasier's dad Martin owned an ugly green chair that was the eye-sore of Frasier's beautiful downtown Seattle apartment. Looks a lot like the quarterbacks for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. A whole lot of duct tape on crappy chair in the middle of a talented team keeps the Bucs out of the playoffs.

Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Everyone knows the Pittsburgh Steelers have another team primed for a Super Bowl run, but breaking them down make a guy think they used witch craft. James Harrison, their best player and reigning Defensive P.O.Y., had to get here through the NFL Europe. Big Ben was in a life-threatening motorcycle accident that he sandwiched with two Super Bowl wins. Omar Epps is their coach. Sabrina gets Harvey to take her to the prom/playoffs again, but they don't go all the way.

Family Matters

This show rolled along as one of America's favorites until Jaleel White didn't want to be known as just Steve Urkel anymore. Stephon's character was born, and it was an unnecessary addition to a successful squad. Yes, that means you, Michael Vick, with the Philadelphia Eagles. He takes them from a Superbowl contender to a first round exit. Did I do that?

Remember when Eddie almost moved out of the house over a fight with Carl about a screwdriver? I think Mark Sanchez has one of those moments this year as the New York Jets miss the playoffs.

Meet Hanson

Don't you remember this show? MMMBop? Yeah, it was about as terrible and forgettable as the Detroit Lions will be this year.

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Carlton's jealousy of Will often times boiled over, like when he stole the ball from his cousin during the big basketball game so he could take, and miss, the final shot. Reminds me a lot of Josh McDaniels trying to be too much like Bill Belichek and tearing apart a halfways decent Denver Broncos team. They might even approach Meet Hanson territory this year.

All Hillary ever cared about was what she could buy, whether she needed it or not. Money was no object, was it Hillary 'Daniel Snyder' Banks? Albert Haynesworth stops trying now that he got paid, and the Washington Redskins playoff hopes fall like Hil's boyfriend Trevor during his bungee-jump.

After a few years, Vivian was replaced by another actress, but there was no real change. Tony Dungy is out with the Indianapolis Colts, but everything will run like he's still there. Another division title, but no Superbowl.

Coach

Hayden Frye leaves the college power Minnesota State Screaming Eagles for the professional expansion Orlando Breakers, with little to no success. Welcome to the Kansas City Chiefs, Matt Cassel.

Seinfeld

When George started doing the exact opposite of his instincts, he got hired by the Yankees and hopped into bed with a pretty girl. The St. Louis Rams have stopped trying to replicate the Greatest Show on Turf, and are now focusing on a strong offensive line and running game. They hop into bed with the NFC West title this year.

Poor Jerry couldn't remember his name's date, so he took a shot in the dark and called her Mulva. The Jacksonville Jaguars don't have three players an average fan could name. Maybe one of them is named Mulva. No soup for you, Jags.

The show, as a whole, was on top during the 90's, whether people liked to admit it or not. Just like the New England Patriots, who have owned this decade, and will win their division again this season. SERENITY NOW!!!

Blossom

Phillip Rivers looks like he would say "Whoa!" after signing his big new contract. Blossom also used to fantasize about receiving advice from celebrities. The San Diego Chargers will fantasize about a Superbowl, but fall short after winning the awful AFC West again.

Step-by-Step

Any time Frank looks like he was going to get a piece of Carol, one of their six children would come stomping into their bedroom. Poor Frank's balls must have been bluer than Paul Bunyan's ox, Babe. Yes, I'm talking about the Minnesota Vikings. Brett Favre might as well be Suzanne Somers, is hot beyond her years, but Frank, aka Viking fans, will never get any from her. A division title, but no Superbowl.

Remember how Dana was a raving bitch on the show? Well, that's Jay Cutler. He's a bitch. So the Chicago Bears don't make the playoffs. I hated Dana. They should have had more episodes about Al, especially after she got hot.

Home Improvement

Remember the episode where Brad gets a ponytail and everyone freaks out about it? Then they make peace with it, and we see him wear a ponytail for like one more episode. Sounds like the Miami Dolphins, who will return to the pack this year.

Tim "the Tool Man" suffered many explosions on Tool Time, and probably would have suffered a lot more had it not been for his sidekick Al. Sounds like Reggie Bush, who would probably be out of the NFL if it weren't for Drew Brees bailing him out with 7 to 8 swing passes every game, giving him some value. The New Orleans Saints with the NFC South this year. I do think so, Tim.

Every episode revolved around Tim's talk with Wilson. He solved every problem the Taylor family ever had, so naturally, Wilson Wilson will be the key to this year's NFL Champion. I think the Baltimore Ravens step up to the fence, talk out their problems, and win Superbowl XLIV over Dallas, who gets there just because I'm still in a 90's mood.

If you'll excuse me now, I have to check and see if the Olsen twins ever answered any of my fan mail.

Love for the Local Celebrity

The population of Santa Claus, Indiana, reaches just over 2000 people, and you can bet each one has a story of their home-grown hero Jay Cutler. It's even more likely that all 153 residents of Sykeston, North Dakota, have their own tale of how they helped groom Travis Hafner into a baseball star. My home town of Windom, Minnesota, is hoping to join this list with our newest idol.

Pitcher Mike Nesseth, son of Larry and Deb who raised him in the corn fields of southwest Minnesota, was drafted in the 15th round of the 2009 Major League Baseball draft by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. He may return for another season at the University of Nebraska to improve his draft status for next year (I could make a few calls, but this is a blog and I'm not a real reporter anymore, so deal with it) but the fact of the matter is, Windom is ready to ride his coat-tails.

For example, just a few weeks ago, my buddy Hunter was looking at the Cottonwood County Citizen sports page, which has a 5 Years Ago This Week paragraph. He was proud to see that the paragraph revisited a Windom Eagles varsity baseball game in which Nesseth started, but Hunter came in to record the win. He joked about cutting it out, getting it laminated, and putting it on a plaque for the day Nesseth makes it to The Show. Since I've never been one to turn down a good pissing match, I'm thinking of stories that can top that, with their corresponding asterik.

-Nesseth was on my 4-H fast pitch team, but I was our starting pitcher for every game. He was cast off to the outfield.*

*Just because it was underhand fast pitch doesn't make it any less of an accomplishment.

-Nesseth was a great all-around athlete, but he still couldn't start over me at tight end on the football team.*

*So what if I was a senior and he was a sophomore who still started at cornerback and weighed only 135 lbs soaking wet?

-Nesseth was on the basketball team with me, and even though he was pretty good, my career high outscored him.*

*For that one game. He's second all-time on the Windom basketball career scoring list. But we really needed that win against Sioux Valley - Round Lake - Brewster!

-I burned Nesseth for a home run once.

*It was in T-ball, he was playing in left and I hit it to right. Just details, baby!

In all seriousness, I hope the day comes when Nesseth reaches the majors and me and all my dumb friends can tell these stories. We never really hung out away from school or sports, and I don't think I've seen him since he graduated high school. However, I do know that he was a fun kid to play ball with who always seemed to have a pretty good attitude, sense of humor, and level head (to any Windom people who are reading this, the answer is no, I'm not going to follow that up with a joke about a field approach).

The best part of this story is the fact that I even got to play ball with Nesseth. I wasn't in baseball, but we were on the same football and basketball teams. In this age of sports specialization, where kids get groomed for their best sport by the time they're 5 years old, it was nice to see him play, and excel, in all 3 sports. It could have been very easy for Larry and Deb to encourage him to quit everything else when he was the ace of the baseball staff as a sophomore with college letters flooding him. Instead, he was allowed to have fun with a balance of sports, and the University of Nebraska was allowed to train him to become a star pitcher the right way.

But if anyone asks, I taught him everything he knows.

Do the Helen Keller, and putt with your hips

By now, we've all heard the song by 3Oh!3 that tells us all to avoid trusting hoes and dance as Helen Keller would speak. For whatever reason, radio stations nation-wide have edited the word "ho" from the course, yet they leave in that whole "Do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips" chant. Call me crazy, but it's hard to determine which is more offensive. Personally, I love all of it, so we'll leave it up to each individual radio station's consent as to which of these instructionals are appropriate.

- Do the Travis Henry, and make thirteen kids.

- Do the Tonya Harding, and talk with your whipping stick.

- Do the Kobe Bryant, and cheat on your wife.

- Do the Boof Bonser, and gain 30 pounds.

- Do the Ron Artest, and beat up some fans.

- Do the Erin Andrews, and look really hot.

- Do the Michael Phelps, and swim with your hash.

- Do the Plaxico Burress, and shoot yourself in the hip.

- Do the Joe Mauer, and just rule at life.

- Do the Lance Armstrong, and win with one nut.

- Do the Pittsburgh Pirates, and trade your whole team.

- Do the O.J. Simpson, and take back your shizz.

- Do the Marko Jaric, and impregnate a model.

- Do the Ricky Rubio, and stay in home country.

- Do the Tony Romo, and score a fat chick.

- Do the Robert Flores, and suck at your job.

- Do the Brett Favre, and MAKE UP YOUR MIND, DAMMIT!

- Do the Mark Prior, and never go pitch.

- Do the Blake Griffin, and be doomed to the Clips.

- Do the Pete Rose, and lie for 26 years.

Don't trust a slugger, never trust a slugger, don't trust a slugger, don't trust MLB.

All-Tool Team

In sports, we like to name our MVP's, our All-Stars, and our Hall-of-Famers. On this blog, we like to call out our D-Bags. There was a time when athletes were tough, talked to the media only when they were forced to, and disappeared to a 200 acre ranch upon retirement. Now, after they battle each other on the field, they battle each other for their own reality show. The top ten! (Although there always seems to be room for more.)

10. Hank Baskett - On the surface, a #4 wideout for the Philadelphia Eagles knocking up a Playboy centerfold would deserve props. But Hank fell for Kendra, the girl next door with a laugh that's as big as her tata's. I can almost hear it just from the picture. Making matters worse, she got a reality show that is coupled in the same hour as Denise Richards and her tough life. Now, if they combined the two shows and hired the director from Wild Things, Hank would be at the top of my "Luckiest S.O.B.'s EVER!!!" list. We'll see how it plays out.

9. Sean Avery - Not only is Avery an annoying pest on the ice, but he is also an annoying pest to any hard working tailor. Avery is an avid fan of fashion shows, and lately he's been participating in them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fgcLiLtm_o (while dragging in some old teammates as well). However, he did hold a ten second press conference to talk about his sloppy seconds, so we won't put him too high on this list just yet.

8. Kobe Bryant - I dare you to watch ten minutes of Spike Lee's Doin' Work without puking. "No, really, I'm just misunderstood, I love my teammates! What's up Sasha Vujajucudcic? Still got that long hair? Cool man, cuz we talk about that all the time and other stuff, too, cuz I love my teammates. Promise not to scowl and yell at you later on the court, dude!"

7. Ozzie Guillen - It's just a game. In fact, it's a game you get to play 162 times a year. SETTLE DOWN!!!

6. Roger Clemens - I wonder if Rocket will "mis-remember" the time he's about to spend in jail being known as "Red Rocket."

5. Joe Buck - His new show on HBO will be the gateway from calling the Super Bowl and World Series to co-hosting Entertainment Tonight. When Kendra and Denise, God willing, combine their shows, I hope it is preceded by Joe Buck reuniting with Tim McCarver to follow people in their everyday jobs and point out their obvious tasks.

"It looks like Amy's going to have to open the cash register, Tim."

"I tell you what, Joe, if she wants to give change to that customer, she's just going to have to open up that cash register. I don't see any way around it."

"And it's open, she's reaching for the change, and oh, she fumbles the nickel."

"Any kids that are watching at home, let that be a lesson, take your time when handling money out of a cash register. She's definitely going to hear from the manager about that one..."

4. Brett Favre - GO AWAY!!!!!!!!

3. Alex Rodriguez - Between the steroids, the lie-filled interviews, the Madonna affair, the picture of him making out with himself, and the inability to win a ring, A-Rod has become a true role model... for tool sheds.

2. Reggie Bush - Fast as lightning, but he's too much of a girly-man to run between the tackles. Maybe he's not the next Gale Sayers, but at least he gets to date Kim Kardashian... and her crazy ass family... and their show on E! Yikes. He does, however, earn bonus points for doing commercials with Jared from Subway.

1. Tony Romo - Was there any doubt? Jessica Simpson is America's punch line right now. As Sean Avery would say, Romo is enjoying a Backstreet Boy's sloppy seconds. And although that's not actually her, I discovered the photoshop website http://www.worth1000.com/ after I peed myself viewing this photo. It wouldn't be so bad if Romo would have just stuck around long enough to describe her breasts to his teammates, but they're going on a couple years now. The Cowboys also happen to be going on a few years of zero playoffs wins. On the plus side, and I mean that as no joke towards Jessica's weight gain (wait, yes I do), Tony and Jessica are ready to be the focal point of MTV's Newlyweds 2.

Surely, that will cement Tony's status as a Tool-Hall-of-Famer.

2010 Viking QB Options

Now that Brett Favre and the Vikings appear to be headed toward an unthinkable marriage, Minnesota fans are feeling better about their quarterback situation. Unfortunately, this also means the Vikings are signing a guy who has pondered retirement after every season since 1964 (actual time-line might vary). It's left the staff looking toward their options for the following year. They include:

-Sign Patriots back-up QB Kevin O'Connell after he goes all "Matt Cassel" on the league.

-Move up in the 2nd round of the draft to grab Nick Mertens from D1-AA North Dakota State.

-Get Lovie Smith to make fun of Jay Cutler's hair, hurt his feelings and thus, demand a trade.

-Sign the top quarterback from the new UFL league, hoping for Tommy Maddox-like production.

-Sign Michael Vick and put my movie into production.

-Try to resurrect David Carr's career.

-Try to resurrect Joey Harrington's career.

-Try to resurrect Jeff George's career (again).

-Draft Tim Tebow, not to play quarterback, but to spend fifteen minutes with the quarterbacks.

-Convince Joe Mauer to give football one more try.

-Coax Brad Johnson out of retirement.

-Coax Warren Moon out of retirement.

-Coax Tommy Kramer out of retirement.

-Threaten the quarterbacks to listen to Adam Lambert sing after each interception thrown.

-Reward the quarterbacks with a "free boat ride" after every game without an interception.

-Just do the wildcat offense all the time with Percy, Chester, and Adrian.

-Find a grocery bagger who also happens to have played college football before.

-Let Brett Favre jerk the franchise around until he feels like making another comeback in August.

And that just sounds inevitable.

What the ESPN ticker has left out...

Poor Alex Rodriguez. The guy just can't seem to catch a break. I know, I know, the man has it all, and whatever he doesn't have he can buy. But he's also got this Selena Roberts gal on his back, searching through every fact of his life. From his first steps to his first syringe, Roberts is documenting it all in her new book about A-Rod. So far, we've found out that steroids were a part of A-Rod's workout regimen in high school, helping his bench press go from 100 pounds to 310 in a mere six months. Also, since he's been in the pros, he's tipped pitches to opposing players in games that have gotten out of hand, expecting the same in return to help his batting average. Here are a few other secrets to be added to the Hall-of-Shamer's cheat sheet, according to Roberts, that have yet to be mentioned.

-As a 6-year-old tee-ball player, little Alex would slip the game ball into his pocket while adjusting the height of the tee, and replace it with a juiced ball. As a result, he hit 46 homers that season. His previous tee-ball homerun average was only 34.

-The jump in bench press was not the only dramatic improvement aided by steroids. A-Rod also dropped his 40 yard dash time from 5.3 seconds to 4.4, and saw his vertical leap go from 26 inches to the ability to fly.

-A-Rod was telling the truth when he said he got steroids from his cousin, but he failed to mention his other sources. He also got the juice from Brian McNamee, Victor Conte, Scott Boras, his mom, his mom's friend Susan, his dad, Barry Bonds, Jose Conseco, that dude with a pony-tail from the gym, Madonna, Stephanie Pratt from "The Hills," Jason Giambi, Carrot Top, the defensive end from "The Program," Tony Mandarich, Shawne Merriman, and his other cousin, Vinny, who tried to convince him that they were, indeed, tic-tacs.

-Although we've never actually seen him do it, A-Rod is so juiced up that he has the ability to breathe fire and travel back in time to fight dinosaurs.

-During his years in Texas, A-Rod corked his bat, paid opposing catchers to call for high fastballs, and played home games at the Ball Park in Arlington, which has the outfield dimensions of a little league park.

-A-Rod is also a vampire.

-Because of his increased flexibility, A-Rod no longer has to shower as he is able to lick himself clean like a cat. He does this every day, and looks like he enjoys it.

-A-Rod is the reason behind several banks falling apart, as he has put every dime earned into a giant vault behind his home. He swims around in it as a tribute to Scrooge McDuck, his favorite character from the hit cartoon "Duck Tales."

-The steroids paid off in other sports during high school. A-Rod was a star on the football team, the basketball team, and Math Masters. The roids helped him break a mental sweat too.

-A-Rod is still on steroids, as this is the only way he is able to perform at the top athletic level. If he were to stop, he would transform back into his former self, which is identical American Idol's Jorge Nunez.

-A-Rod plays Connect 4 with his daughter all the time, but he never lets her win. Because he cheats.

-There was a time when A-Rod was so beefed up on roids that Chuck Norris told his publicist to cool it for a while.

-While in Seattle, A-Rod tried to convince Ken Griffey Jr. to shoot some roids with him. Griffey declined, saying that even though everyone else was doing it, he heard that it increased probability of injury, and thus, he didn't want to try it. A-Rod was outraged that someone could suggest that his steroids could actually cause harm. As a retaliation, A-Rod booby-trapped several spots in the Mariners outfield, beginning Griffey's injury-prone decline.

-A-Rod screwed up the engineer's blue-prints for the new Yankee Stadium to cause a wind tunnel that pushes home runs out to right field.

-When Jim Rome suspected A-Rod's use of steroids, he was suspiciously lit on fire. It was kept fairly under raps, and Rome was replaced by the drummer from System of a Down, but A-Rod was heard making several "Rome is Burning" jokes in the time since.

-A-Rod's steroid cycle ends in October, which is why he's always garbage in the postseason.

Maybe during his rehab, he can adjust it so he does something productive this October. That is, if the Yankees make the postseason. One thing is for sure; Selena will be watching, all the way, until A-Rod retires and becomes the top shuffle-board player in his senior center.

Your Draft Day Special - The All Salma Hayek Team

Get it? Because she's known for her bust. It's a play on words. About boobies. Now, without further ado, here are your biggest busts of the new millennium. I know you've seen a million of these, but this one is different because today's draft is included!

Quarterback

David Carr (#1, 2002, Houston)
Alex Smith (#1, 2005, San Francisco)

JaMarcus Russell (#1, 2007, Oakland)

Matthew Stafford (#1, 2009, Detroit)

This one is so easy, it is reserved only for top picks. Even Ryan Leaf might not make this decade's list. Carr and Smith need no further elaboration, and JaMarcus Russell is well on his way to joining them. Then, we have poor Matt Stafford, going to Detroit #1 overall, with the only consolation prize being the $40 million now in his bank account. This year's draft has clearly become a repeat of 2002, where Houston nabbed Carr at #1 and Detroit picked up Joey Harrington at #3. Both guys sucked, despite all their hype. Something tells me that because Detroit and the Jets are involved, the same will happen to Stafford and Sanchez in this year's draft. Salma's knocks don't lie. Oh yeah, they predict the future, too.

Runningback

Cedric Benson (2005, #4, Chicago)

Cadillac Williams (2005, #5, Tampa Bay)

Really, this decade was pretty kind on runningbacks. Thank goodness for the 2005 draft, which was absolutely BRUTAL. Go ahead, Wikipedia it, I'll wait for you. It's only been a few years, and most of the first-rounders can already be written off, including these two. Cadillac enjoyed a Rookie of the Year season, then went all "A-Train" Anthony Thomas on his career. Cedric Benson, on the other hand, never even had that, and is now a head cashier at Taco Bell.

Wide Receiver

Peter Warrick (# 4, Cincinnati, 2000)
Charles Rogers (#2, Detroit, 2003)
Troy Williamson (#7, Minnesota, 2005)
Darrius Heyward-Bey (#7, Oakland, 2009)

Not one of these guys lasted longer than five years in the NFL. Troy Williamson cemented his career with the Vikings with this play: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WZNyYouzuk&feature=related Oakland guaranteed us another one for this decade by passing up on Michael Crabtree for Heyward-Bey, whose two last names won't translate into one good player.

Tight End

Vernon Davis (#6, San Francisco, 2006)

Still waiting for this guy to produce. Unfortunately, the only thing he has produced so far is making head coach Mike Singletary so furious that he dropped his pants during his first half-time locker room speech as front-man of the Niners. Actually, that is pretty impressive.

Offensive Tackle

Mike Williams (#4, Buffalo, 2002)
Bryant McKinnie (#7, Minnesota, 2002)

Robert Gallery (#2, Oakland, 2004)

The "safest" pick of the draft has produced a few doozies. Mike Williams and Bryant McKinnie have a combined weight of 1,300 pounds, making it way too easy for today's lightning quick defensive ends to blow by them. As for Gallery, he is the only player chosen in the Top 8 of the '04 Draft to not make a Pro Bowl. And it's not because he's been snubbed.

Offensive Guard

None

These never get picked, because most the top linemen in college play tackle. Since I have nothing else to say, enjoy another this picture of Scarlett Johanssen, who was just chosen to be on the cover of next year's draft bust blog.

Center

Also none. Good thing this picture is keeping your attention.

Defensive End

Courtney Brown (#1, Cleveland, 2000)
Justin Smith (#4, Cinncinnati, 2001)

Chris Long (#2, St. Louis, 2008)

Justin Smith is cashing in because San Francisco ignores stats. He's garbage. Courtney Brown was supposed to be Reggie White, but has instead played like Barry White. Chris Long can still turn it around, but his Hall of Fame dad is too busy trying to turn Chevy around with his "if you don't own a Chevy, you're a pussy" campaign. Chris could use a man-step, but his dad won't allow it.

Defensive Tackle

Gerard Warren (#3, Cleveland, 2001)
Ryan Sims (#6, Kansas City, 2002)

DeWayne Robertson (#4, New York Jets, 2003)

Johnathan Sullivan (#6, New Orleans, 2003)

Why does Cleveland's defense still suck? It all starts up front with the poo-poo platter of Warren and Brown. Sullivan and Robertson are out of the league, while Sims can't even start over Chris Hovan in Tampa Bay.

Linebacker

A.J. Hawk (#5, Green Bay, 2006)

Vernon Gholston (#6, New York Jets, 2008)

This position was pretty safe up until a couple years ago. At least Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister. I'm told that's a good thing, but clearly she's still torn between the two. Gholston has just been awful, but by this point I've put up so many pictures of pretty girls that you just don't care anymore.

Cornerback

Dunta Robinson (#10, Houston, 2004)
Pacman Jones (#6, Tennessee, 2005)
Antrell Rolle (#8, Arizona, 2005)

You know what? Pacman makes it so much fun that you can ignore the other two. MAKE IT RAIN!!!! Good luck in your next career as a porn star.

Safety

Michael Huff (#7, Oakland, 2006)

LaRon Landry (#6, Washington, 2007)

Thankfully the NFL has insane owners like Al Davis, whose team is all over this blog, and Daniel Snyder, who usually trades these types of draft picks for 34 year old free agents.

It's because of guys like them that ensure these busty-themed articles always have a place on draft day.