What the ESPN ticker has left out...

Poor Alex Rodriguez. The guy just can't seem to catch a break. I know, I know, the man has it all, and whatever he doesn't have he can buy. But he's also got this Selena Roberts gal on his back, searching through every fact of his life. From his first steps to his first syringe, Roberts is documenting it all in her new book about A-Rod. So far, we've found out that steroids were a part of A-Rod's workout regimen in high school, helping his bench press go from 100 pounds to 310 in a mere six months. Also, since he's been in the pros, he's tipped pitches to opposing players in games that have gotten out of hand, expecting the same in return to help his batting average. Here are a few other secrets to be added to the Hall-of-Shamer's cheat sheet, according to Roberts, that have yet to be mentioned.

-As a 6-year-old tee-ball player, little Alex would slip the game ball into his pocket while adjusting the height of the tee, and replace it with a juiced ball. As a result, he hit 46 homers that season. His previous tee-ball homerun average was only 34.

-The jump in bench press was not the only dramatic improvement aided by steroids. A-Rod also dropped his 40 yard dash time from 5.3 seconds to 4.4, and saw his vertical leap go from 26 inches to the ability to fly.

-A-Rod was telling the truth when he said he got steroids from his cousin, but he failed to mention his other sources. He also got the juice from Brian McNamee, Victor Conte, Scott Boras, his mom, his mom's friend Susan, his dad, Barry Bonds, Jose Conseco, that dude with a pony-tail from the gym, Madonna, Stephanie Pratt from "The Hills," Jason Giambi, Carrot Top, the defensive end from "The Program," Tony Mandarich, Shawne Merriman, and his other cousin, Vinny, who tried to convince him that they were, indeed, tic-tacs.

-Although we've never actually seen him do it, A-Rod is so juiced up that he has the ability to breathe fire and travel back in time to fight dinosaurs.

-During his years in Texas, A-Rod corked his bat, paid opposing catchers to call for high fastballs, and played home games at the Ball Park in Arlington, which has the outfield dimensions of a little league park.

-A-Rod is also a vampire.

-Because of his increased flexibility, A-Rod no longer has to shower as he is able to lick himself clean like a cat. He does this every day, and looks like he enjoys it.

-A-Rod is the reason behind several banks falling apart, as he has put every dime earned into a giant vault behind his home. He swims around in it as a tribute to Scrooge McDuck, his favorite character from the hit cartoon "Duck Tales."

-The steroids paid off in other sports during high school. A-Rod was a star on the football team, the basketball team, and Math Masters. The roids helped him break a mental sweat too.

-A-Rod is still on steroids, as this is the only way he is able to perform at the top athletic level. If he were to stop, he would transform back into his former self, which is identical American Idol's Jorge Nunez.

-A-Rod plays Connect 4 with his daughter all the time, but he never lets her win. Because he cheats.

-There was a time when A-Rod was so beefed up on roids that Chuck Norris told his publicist to cool it for a while.

-While in Seattle, A-Rod tried to convince Ken Griffey Jr. to shoot some roids with him. Griffey declined, saying that even though everyone else was doing it, he heard that it increased probability of injury, and thus, he didn't want to try it. A-Rod was outraged that someone could suggest that his steroids could actually cause harm. As a retaliation, A-Rod booby-trapped several spots in the Mariners outfield, beginning Griffey's injury-prone decline.

-A-Rod screwed up the engineer's blue-prints for the new Yankee Stadium to cause a wind tunnel that pushes home runs out to right field.

-When Jim Rome suspected A-Rod's use of steroids, he was suspiciously lit on fire. It was kept fairly under raps, and Rome was replaced by the drummer from System of a Down, but A-Rod was heard making several "Rome is Burning" jokes in the time since.

-A-Rod's steroid cycle ends in October, which is why he's always garbage in the postseason.

Maybe during his rehab, he can adjust it so he does something productive this October. That is, if the Yankees make the postseason. One thing is for sure; Selena will be watching, all the way, until A-Rod retires and becomes the top shuffle-board player in his senior center.