All-Tool Team

In sports, we like to name our MVP's, our All-Stars, and our Hall-of-Famers. On this blog, we like to call out our D-Bags. There was a time when athletes were tough, talked to the media only when they were forced to, and disappeared to a 200 acre ranch upon retirement. Now, after they battle each other on the field, they battle each other for their own reality show. The top ten! (Although there always seems to be room for more.)

10. Hank Baskett - On the surface, a #4 wideout for the Philadelphia Eagles knocking up a Playboy centerfold would deserve props. But Hank fell for Kendra, the girl next door with a laugh that's as big as her tata's. I can almost hear it just from the picture. Making matters worse, she got a reality show that is coupled in the same hour as Denise Richards and her tough life. Now, if they combined the two shows and hired the director from Wild Things, Hank would be at the top of my "Luckiest S.O.B.'s EVER!!!" list. We'll see how it plays out.

9. Sean Avery - Not only is Avery an annoying pest on the ice, but he is also an annoying pest to any hard working tailor. Avery is an avid fan of fashion shows, and lately he's been participating in them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fgcLiLtm_o (while dragging in some old teammates as well). However, he did hold a ten second press conference to talk about his sloppy seconds, so we won't put him too high on this list just yet.

8. Kobe Bryant - I dare you to watch ten minutes of Spike Lee's Doin' Work without puking. "No, really, I'm just misunderstood, I love my teammates! What's up Sasha Vujajucudcic? Still got that long hair? Cool man, cuz we talk about that all the time and other stuff, too, cuz I love my teammates. Promise not to scowl and yell at you later on the court, dude!"

7. Ozzie Guillen - It's just a game. In fact, it's a game you get to play 162 times a year. SETTLE DOWN!!!

6. Roger Clemens - I wonder if Rocket will "mis-remember" the time he's about to spend in jail being known as "Red Rocket."

5. Joe Buck - His new show on HBO will be the gateway from calling the Super Bowl and World Series to co-hosting Entertainment Tonight. When Kendra and Denise, God willing, combine their shows, I hope it is preceded by Joe Buck reuniting with Tim McCarver to follow people in their everyday jobs and point out their obvious tasks.

"It looks like Amy's going to have to open the cash register, Tim."

"I tell you what, Joe, if she wants to give change to that customer, she's just going to have to open up that cash register. I don't see any way around it."

"And it's open, she's reaching for the change, and oh, she fumbles the nickel."

"Any kids that are watching at home, let that be a lesson, take your time when handling money out of a cash register. She's definitely going to hear from the manager about that one..."

4. Brett Favre - GO AWAY!!!!!!!!

3. Alex Rodriguez - Between the steroids, the lie-filled interviews, the Madonna affair, the picture of him making out with himself, and the inability to win a ring, A-Rod has become a true role model... for tool sheds.

2. Reggie Bush - Fast as lightning, but he's too much of a girly-man to run between the tackles. Maybe he's not the next Gale Sayers, but at least he gets to date Kim Kardashian... and her crazy ass family... and their show on E! Yikes. He does, however, earn bonus points for doing commercials with Jared from Subway.

1. Tony Romo - Was there any doubt? Jessica Simpson is America's punch line right now. As Sean Avery would say, Romo is enjoying a Backstreet Boy's sloppy seconds. And although that's not actually her, I discovered the photoshop website http://www.worth1000.com/ after I peed myself viewing this photo. It wouldn't be so bad if Romo would have just stuck around long enough to describe her breasts to his teammates, but they're going on a couple years now. The Cowboys also happen to be going on a few years of zero playoffs wins. On the plus side, and I mean that as no joke towards Jessica's weight gain (wait, yes I do), Tony and Jessica are ready to be the focal point of MTV's Newlyweds 2.

Surely, that will cement Tony's status as a Tool-Hall-of-Famer.