Michael Vick's Movie Script

On July 20th of this summer, 3-time Pro Bowler and 2001 top pick Michael Vick will be released from federal prison. In all likelihood, Vick will make a return to the NFL, sit out one full season under Roger Goodell's "Don't be a punk-ass like Pacman Jones" policy, and then become a starting quarterback in a league that features Tavaris Jackson, Kerry Collins, and Jake Delhomme as starters for playoff teams. The obvious choice for Vick is the Minnesota Vikings. Seriously, they're hoping they can get a Super Bowl out of a quarterback battle between Sage Rosenfels and the aforementioned T-Jack. Vick's comeback will be well documented, and then poorly portrayed in a movie. I see it going something like this.

The Comeback

What will actually happen: Vick signs with the Vikings and receives modest backlash from fans and other players. During his season in which he sits out, he declines most interviews. He makes an exception for ESPN's Michael Smith, but reveals very little about his time in the joint, any dog fighting details, and his year-long suspension.

In the movie: Vick (played by Ludacris) signs with the Vikings, even though owner Zygi Wilf (played by Mario Cart's "Wario") is totally against it. The only reason he goes along with it is because Brad Childress (played by "Kevin" from The Office) fights for him, constantly saying "I believe in him," while violins play as background music. Even Vick wonders if the comeback is worth it: he's receiving death threats, his heart isn't into it, and worst of all, he continues to have flashbacks the dog fight. We find out in the film that Michael allowed his younger brother Marcus (played by "Chance" from A Real Chance at Love) to live with him after his own NFL career dwindled. Marcus was having dog fights in his brother's backyard, and with Michael gone all the time at workouts and charity events, he had no clue what was going on. One night, Michael comes home to find a make-shift stadium in his backyard, with a championship fight between a two dogs ("Eddie" from Frasier vs. "Baxter" from Anchorman). He is shocked at the sight, and as Marcus hangs his head in shame, the police arrive. Michael takes the fall, bringing us back to the present day. He interviews with ESPN's Michael Smith (played by Stuart Scott), who knows that Marcus was behind the whole fighting ring. However, Vick refuses to throw his brother under the bus, and during the interview, he discovers the only way to win back his good name is to win - on the field. This brings us to training camp.

Training Camp

What will actually happen: Vick arrives in Mankato to the tune of a dozen protesters, but his teammates are fairly welcoming. By Week 2 of the preseason, he is named the starter.

In the movie: Vick arrives in Mankato (played by Canada) and needs a police escort to get through the sea of protesters. They're nothing compared to his teammates. No one will talk to him, especially star runningback Adrian Peterson (played by a constantly shirtless Will Smith). Peterson pleads for a trade, saying either Vick goes, or he goes. During practice, he fumbles every handoff on purpose. They come to blows in practice nearly every day, and Vick begins to crumble under the pressure. His performances in preseason games are subpar, and Brad Childress begins to wonder if he made a mistake with Vick. He talks it over with his wife (Scarlett Johansson) and daughter (Miley Cyrus) who tell him to just believe in him. Childress takes their advice, sits down with Vick, and says, "I believe in you," while violins play in the background. Then he sits down with Peterson, and says "Just believe in him," while violins play in the background. Peterson agrees to play alongside Vick, but his skepticism still lingers as the season opener nears.

The Season Begins

What will actually happen: The Vikings start off 2-2, but beat the Lions 26-14 in Week 5. Vick throws for 7 touchdowns, rushes for 2 more, and has 5 interceptions on the season. Morale is average; players say it's a long season, and that they are ready to start a win streak.

In the movie: The Vikings lose their first 4 games in a montage (to the tune "Dead and Gone" by T.I. and Justin Timberlake) where we see Vick get intercepted 18 times, brutally hit 73 times, and throwing his helmet to the ground in slow motion 4 times. The montage also shows Peterson shaking his head in disgust, while Childress looks on with a blank stare. Before Game 5, Jared Allen (played by WWE's John Cena) and Pat Williams (played by Rueben Studdard) tell Vick, "If you blow this game, we'll take you out," while violins play in the background. The Vikings trail the Lions 20-7 with :22 left and the ball at their 34 yard line. On a designed hail mary, Vick takes off on his own. He breaks 9 tackles, with 4 spin moves, 3 stiff arms, and 2 shake and bake moves, on his way to the end zone. 7 seconds are left, Vikings trail 20-14. Vick pleads Childress to get into the game for the onside kick. Childress says no way, until Vick says "Believe in me." Violins play in the background, as Childress sends him onto the field. On the kick, the ball hits an opponent, who is instantly pulverized by Vick. Adrian Peterson recovers, then nods at Vick. One second is left, with 45 yards to go. Once again, Vick scrambles, breaking tackles and racing away from defenders all the way down to the 3 yard line, where he is nearly pushed out of bounds. Just before his feet touch the white, he laterals to Peterson, who dives over 5 defenders into the end zone. Though we do not see an extra point kick, the Vikings win 21-20, as Peterson and Vick embrace with violins playing in the background.

The winning streak

What will actually happen: The Vikings win 6 straight games, and finish the season 11-5. They win the division and get the 3rd seed in the NFC playoffs. Vick's final stats: 21 TD passes, 7 rushing TD's, 12 INT. He gets mentioned in MVP talk, but is a long shot.

In the movie: The Vikings do not lose again in the regular season, winning each game convincingly in another montage (to the tune of "Let it Rock" by Kevin Rudolf and Lil' Wayne). We see Vick and Peterson alternating touchdowns, approximately 73 in all, hugging after each one. The Vikings head to the playoffs as heavy favorites in the NFC, but Tom Brady (played by Ryan Seacrest) and the undefeated New England Patriots look like an unstoppable force in the AFC.

The playoffs

What will actually happen: The Vikings beat the Redskins in the first round, but lose in Atlanta to the Falcons in the second round 20-10. Vick plays well in both games, but untimely fumbles by Bobby Wade and Naufahu Tahi cost them on two scoring drives.

In the movie: The Vikings storm through their first two games in the playoffs, then go to Atlanta where Vick is booed beyond belief. Fans are burning his old Falcons jerseys while they build shrines to their new quarterback Matt Ryan (played by Zac Efron from "High School Musical"). Once again, the Vikings trail with time fading. Down 45-42 with 4 seconds left and 87 yards to go, Vick passes to Peterson, who breaks three tackles, then laterals back to Vick, who shakes four defenders, then laterals to Artis Hicks (played by "Quincy" from Old School), who is tackled at the goal line in a giant pile. It takes the refs 5 minutes to separate the pile, while Vick looks on anxiously, Childress looks on with a blank stare, and violins play in the background. Touchdown is signaled, and the Vikings head to the Super Bowl. In the week leading up to the game, Marcus Vick vindicates his brother by telling all reporters on Media Day that he was in fact responsible for the dog fights. Michael Smith nods in the crowd, as Marcus and his older brother, Michael, embrace. All is forgiven. We move ahead to the game, where the Vikings trail again, 28-23. Tom Brady has just thrown the go-ahead touchdown, and just made a throat-slashing gesture to Vick, who is the only one to see it. Using this as motivation, he tries to drive the Vikings 80 yards in 19 seconds. In the final play, Vick scrambles around the defense, and dives for the pylon in slow motion as we see cut-aways of Adrian Peterson looking excited, Tom Brady looking confident, and Brad Childress with a blank expression on his face as violins play in the background. We cut back to Vick, who is now on the ground, the ball just an inch shy of the end zone as the Patriots storm the field. As Vick sits in disappointment, Peterson cheers him up by saying, "Hey man, I believe in you." They hug, and Vick walks off with pride to a slow clap led by Tom Brady. The movie then fades to black as violins play in the background.

The movie is set to hit theaters in the summer of 2011. Stay tuned for the sequel in 2012.

Michael Phelps plays his (bong) hits

It's been two weeks since the photo of Michael Phelps taking a bong hit surfaced. Since then, the South Carolina police department has been working on a case to charge Phelps with possession. Phelps has decided to admit to his wrong-doings, and released a journal of his pot-smoking days.

October 25, 2004 - Party at Backstroke Bob's house tonight - things got a little crazy. After three Jag-bombs and five Smithwick's, somebody busted out a bong. Whatever, the Olympics are over, so I gave it a shot. Didn't really feel anything, so I don't know if I'll do it again.

November 15, 2004 - Had a couple buddies over tonight to watch Harold and Kumar. Speedo Steve brought some weed, so I tried it again. This time, I think I might of gotten high. It was like my facial hair was talking to me, like each hair had a little tiny face, and was screaming "Lectric Shave!!" So, I shaved off my goatee last night. Bro, that thing took like three months to grow in that full.

November 27, 2004 - Decided to buy some weed to have on my own tonight, you know, just to kick back and relax. Bad idea. This time it hit me way harder. Checked my phone this morning and saw that I called Katie Couric, Paris Hilton, and the three chicks from "Girls Next Door." Man, I hope I didn't ask any of them out again.

January 14, 2005 - Cereal has become my favoritist munchie, so I signed an endorsement deal with Kellogg's. Sure hope they don't find out I'm on the grass, that advertising dude seemed like the type who would flip on a dude for smoking the reefer dude.

April 23, 2005 - Thinking about taking a little break from the ganja. I had the biggest craving ever for Frosted Flakes last night, and called every guy named Tony that I knew to see if he was the Tiger. Those dudes were totally pissed, bro, they need to just chillax.

August 25, 2005 - Note to self - don't get high before watching tennis. I switched spots with one of those ball boys at the US Open so I could get a better look at Maria Sharapova, but then I tried to cop a feel when I ran by. Luckily everyone thinks I'm just clumsy outside of the pool. I can roll with that.

December 12, 2005 - Neil Patrick Harris is THE MAN!!!

February 1, 2006 - Filmed a commercial with Snoop Dogg, and woke up this morning in a Taco Bell bathroom.

March 13, 2006 - Filled out a celebrity March Madness bracket with ESPN after toking up and put 11-seed George Mason in the Final Four. He sounds like a chill dude.

July 4, 2006 - Spent $27,000 on bottle rockets. Used my joint to light them all off.

September 3, 2006 - How has Afroman not won a Grammy yet?

November 18, 2006 - I've been travelling around the states for the past few weeks to watch the leaves turn colors. I just think it's SOO COOL.

December 25, 2006 - I wonder if Santa Claus ever thought about trading in his reindeer for a bitchin' rocket pack.

April 3, 2007 - Chopsticks on the piano is a lot harder than people give it credit for.

May 56, 2007 - I like the month of May so much, I think it deserves more days.

October 15, 2007 - Can't decide who to be for Halloween - Kelso from That 70's Show or the old Syracuse Orangeman mascot. I love oranges.

January 1, 2008 - My New Year's resolution is to give up weed... after this year.

March 2, 2008 - The Olympics are about 6 months away, and I'm so stoked that they're in Beijing. I really hope I get to meet Jackie Chan.

May 5, 2008 - I've been looking at my medals from the 2004 games, and decided that gold is way more fun to make funny faces into than the other medals. Maybe I should try to get, like, eight of them in Beijing.

August 8, 2008 - At Beijing for the Olympics. Smoked a bowl with Andrea Kremer and promised to do an interview with her after every single race that I do. I've also decided that it looks fricken sweet to flap my arms across my chest while I'm at the starting blocks.

August 16, 2008 - Won all eight golds at the games, meaning I got more bling that Flavor Flav. Dude.

September 3, 2008 - Went to like eleventy billion interviews in the past few days, but at least the Bill and Ted movies have been on HBO.

November 17, 2008 - Partied it up in South Carolina tonight. Some dude got a picture of me while I was taking a hit off some Billy Bong Thornton. He seemed chill, though, so I don't think it's a big deal.

Just so long as no one ever finds my journal.

Budget Cut Time

With the economy in absolute shambles, companies everywhere are doing everything they can to survive. It's no different in the sports world, as people have begun dropping their season tickets as a way to cut back. In order to win them back, teams are trying to give fans more bang for their buck. Whether it is through promotions, or cuts of their own, every team is doing their part.

-While the New York Knicks continue to clear out cap space to pursue LeBron in 2010, they've started getting the fans more involved to ease the wait. They've decided to revert back to the 1996 blockbuster hit Eddie. Instead of allowing a fan to coach the team, like what Whoopi Goldberg did in the movie, they're asking fans to disguise themselves as Stephon Marbury and complain about their $20 million contracts.

-Many teams are spending less money on a singer for the National Anthem. As a result, Tatiana Del Toro from American Idol has agreed to sing all 41 home games for the Clippers, Nets, Timberwolves, Heat, and Rockets. However, her contract might be cut short because she keeps adding words.

-The Philadelphia 76ers made some changes to the cheerleading staff by adding the girls from VH1's Rock of Love Bus. Unfortunately, the crowds have swayed from family oriented groups to thirty-something bald men, half of whom have been interviewed by MSNBC's Chris Hanson.

-Not wanting to cut their payroll at all, the New York Yankees have stopped buying steroids for A-Rod. He has to buy them on his own now. Just kidding. They'll still buy the juice for him.

-After seeing ticket sales drop due to poor quarterback play, the Minnesota Vikings addressed the problem by signing a pair of quarterbacks to duel for the starter spot. Jamie Foxx and Keanu Reeves will start battling it out in OTA's this spring.

-The Detroit Lions made a similar move, but saved money by signing a two-way player. Adam Sandler will quarterback under the name Paul Crewe, and will start at linebacker as Bobby Boucher.

-With prize money down this year, golfer Boo Weekley picked up more sponsors. They include biscuits, gravy, and Larry the Cable Guy.

-NASCAR is doing their part by making races shorter. While the mileage will be unchanged, drivers will have to be completely drunk before competing.

-Due to the high cost of maintaining the ivy at Wrigley Field, the Chicago Cubs will now line their outfield fence with recycled corks from Sammy Sosa's bats.

-The most successful campaign has come from the Dallas Cowboys, who are promoting their upcoming season with a Debbie Does Dallas theme. So far, it's been a complete money shot.

Inappropriate? Maybe, but people are coming.

This is not Carson Daly's idea

For years, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays dwelled as the laughing stock of the American League East. In their first year after dropping the "Devil" from their name, they suddenly won 97 games and marched all the way to the World Series. Three months later, the Arizona Cardinals dropped decades of suck and made a Super Bowl run after moving from "Scum" Devil Stadium into their sparkling new University of Phoenix Stadium. Is it merely a coincidence these two historically bad programs suddenly found success? Or is it karma? Other professional teams seem to think its the latter, and they're making a few changes of their own.

-Even though they had already changed their name from the Washington Bullets, the Washington Wizards thought that perhaps the "Wizard" name promoted some sort of demonic magic. To solve this problem, and to avoid having to change their name again, they will now be known as the Washington 23ers. It's to remind people that Michael Jordan played there. Remember? No really, he did, from 2001-2003. Oh, you tried to block that out of your memory? That's unfortunate. Lets hope it sticks.

-Across town, the Washington Redskins finally gave up their racial-slur mascot. On opening day of 2009, they'll be the Washington It-Doesn't-Matter-if-You're-Black-White-Blue-Brown-Green-or-Red-Skins.

-Tredding down the same path, both the Cleveland Indians and Atlanta Braves put down the tomahawks and found more current ways to celebrate the Native American people. If there is a repeat of the 1995 World Series, the Cleveland Card Dealers will face the Atlanta Slots.

-The Oakland Raiders took the Cardinals approach of rewarding fans with a new stadium. Unlike the University of Phoenix Stadium, which rolls natural grass from outside the stadium back into the stadium for game time, the Raiders will roll in an entirely new team.

-With a new stadium already on the way, Jerry Jones thought he could reward his Dallas Cowboy fans even more by signing whoever Tony Romo is dating at the time to sing the national anthem before each game. In a bikini. Between each possession.

-Despite three Stanley Cups in the past fifteen years, the New Jersey Devils followed the Devil Rays example as literally as possible. The New Jersey ...s will now be the team everyone at the Prudential Center pulls for.

-Fearing their name might be too specific to one man upstairs, the New Orleans Saints are now the New Orleans Forgive-Us-Our-Sins.

-The Angels kept their name, but stopped with all of the Anaheim/Los Angeles squabbling and settled on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in Orange County with surrounding communities of Santa Ana, Huntington, and Long Beach, all located in California.

-To reward their fans, the Los Angeles Clippers played hard for a game. Okay, that never happened.

-A few individual sport athletes are starting to respect karma as well. Michael Phelps decided to connect on a personal level with his fans. Unfortunately for him, many swimming fans are potheads. South Carolina is still undecided on pressing criminal charges.

-Knowing there was no changing Wrigley Field or their long standing name, the Chicago Cubs will just call their one hundred year curse a one hundred year coincidence.

-The Detroit Lions have ignored all signs, and will go on with business as usual.

Much like the Good Lord, you can't make everyone a believer.