Time to whip it out...

When Oklahoma State plays Oklahoma, it's called Bedlam. When Pittsburgh squares off with West Virginia, it's The Backyard Brawl. Duke against North Carolina is simply known as one of the greatest rivalries in sports.

Then you have North Dakota and North Dakota State: The Gayest Rivalry in Sports.

No, the students don't try to out gang-bang each other. Nor do they compete to see who can go the longest in a brown-star without the aid of lubrication. However, there is a great deal of dick measuring. In fact, that's pretty much all that's left.

Don't get me wrong, back in the day this rivalry used to be legit. Never did it reach the levels of an Ohio State - Michigan game, but as far as a regional rivalry, it was pretty significant. It didn't matter if one, or even both, teams were absolute garbage; Sioux vs. Bison was always a sell-out. And why not? The schools are only an hour's drive apart.

Rivalries are one of the best aspects about sports, but unfortunately it just isn't the same when the teams don't actually play. In 2004, the Bison moved to Division 1 in all athletics, while the Sioux stuck around in Division 2. This is when the aforementioned dick measuring began.

Bison fans immediately assumed that they were better than the Sioux in all sports because they were now Division 1. Sioux fans figured the Bison would flop at D1, and they were just moving up because they didn't have hockey. Consider hockey as the element that gives each side it's boner, causing them to go scrambling for a ruler. Or as many of these rubes will tell you, a yard stick.

The Sioux have one of the most established college hockey programs in the nation. 7 National Championships, 18 Frozen Fours, and countless games on TV against programs like Minnesota and Wisconsin. It's the signature of the entire university. 78 miles south, NDSU has a very nice agriculture department.

It's the end-all comeback, the "Yeah, well, you're stupid!" at the end of every message board. Sioux fans say the Bison are jealous because they'll never be a DIVISION 1 NATIONAL CHAMPION. Bison fans point out that no one cares about hockey, at least not outside of about 5 or 6 states in the U.S.

Sioux fans always have hockey in their back pocket. Bison fans counter with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyn8IRFup4Y

Now that neither team plays, the argument is not about who is better, but rather, who is more relevant nationally. The realization for these delusional fans needs to be this: neither school is big time. The best thing they can hope for are a couple flashes of brilliance.

An excellent example of this would be the Sioux hockey team capturing a National Championship, and for however brief a time, being noticed by a national audience. Another excellent example is the Bison men's basketball team winning the Summit League and making the Big Dance. Once again, a national stage, no matter how short-lived.

Examples of the Ron Jeremy and Dirk Diggler major asset contestants, however, are all over university message boards, as well as the comments section of any related blog. Go to www.areavoices.com/bisonmedia, click on comments, and see how long it takes for any topic, much less ones that mention the Sioux, to switch into mine-is-bigger mode.

Residents in this area need to stop arguing over who is more nationally renown, because the answer will always be neither. This isn't Texas. This isn't even Minnesota. This is North Dakota. Any game that is televised for either school should be celebrated on either side.

Sioux fans should have cheered for the Bison men to make the tournament. It proves that a few kids from this area are actually capable of playing basketball. And guess what? Some can play hockey too, and UND has proved that.

Hopefully, some day, these teams will play each other again. UND moved up to Divison 1 last year in all other sports, and it would only make sense for these two teams to be in the same conference once the Sioux catch up in scholarships and finish their probation period.

Again, Bison-backers will say they are above the Sioux. Sioux-per fans will say they don't need the Bison and they can go to a different conference. Each side better have plenty of KY jelly.

I say, wouldn't it just be more fun to play each other again? I've been told that a Sioux - Bison football game is as good as it gets. I'd like to see it for myself.

On a personal note, I graduated from the UND. Upon graduation, I worked as a sports reporter in Fargo, covering every Bison athletic program at some point during a full year.

Maybe a few Sioux fans will read this and call me a traitor. Maybe a few Bison fans will read it and call me a jealous Sioux-backer.

And I'll just call them all gay.