All-Tool Team

In sports, we like to name our MVP's, our All-Stars, and our Hall-of-Famers. On this blog, we like to call out our D-Bags. There was a time when athletes were tough, talked to the media only when they were forced to, and disappeared to a 200 acre ranch upon retirement. Now, after they battle each other on the field, they battle each other for their own reality show. The top ten! (Although there always seems to be room for more.)

10. Hank Baskett - On the surface, a #4 wideout for the Philadelphia Eagles knocking up a Playboy centerfold would deserve props. But Hank fell for Kendra, the girl next door with a laugh that's as big as her tata's. I can almost hear it just from the picture. Making matters worse, she got a reality show that is coupled in the same hour as Denise Richards and her tough life. Now, if they combined the two shows and hired the director from Wild Things, Hank would be at the top of my "Luckiest S.O.B.'s EVER!!!" list. We'll see how it plays out.

9. Sean Avery - Not only is Avery an annoying pest on the ice, but he is also an annoying pest to any hard working tailor. Avery is an avid fan of fashion shows, and lately he's been participating in them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fgcLiLtm_o (while dragging in some old teammates as well). However, he did hold a ten second press conference to talk about his sloppy seconds, so we won't put him too high on this list just yet.

8. Kobe Bryant - I dare you to watch ten minutes of Spike Lee's Doin' Work without puking. "No, really, I'm just misunderstood, I love my teammates! What's up Sasha Vujajucudcic? Still got that long hair? Cool man, cuz we talk about that all the time and other stuff, too, cuz I love my teammates. Promise not to scowl and yell at you later on the court, dude!"

7. Ozzie Guillen - It's just a game. In fact, it's a game you get to play 162 times a year. SETTLE DOWN!!!

6. Roger Clemens - I wonder if Rocket will "mis-remember" the time he's about to spend in jail being known as "Red Rocket."

5. Joe Buck - His new show on HBO will be the gateway from calling the Super Bowl and World Series to co-hosting Entertainment Tonight. When Kendra and Denise, God willing, combine their shows, I hope it is preceded by Joe Buck reuniting with Tim McCarver to follow people in their everyday jobs and point out their obvious tasks.

"It looks like Amy's going to have to open the cash register, Tim."

"I tell you what, Joe, if she wants to give change to that customer, she's just going to have to open up that cash register. I don't see any way around it."

"And it's open, she's reaching for the change, and oh, she fumbles the nickel."

"Any kids that are watching at home, let that be a lesson, take your time when handling money out of a cash register. She's definitely going to hear from the manager about that one..."

4. Brett Favre - GO AWAY!!!!!!!!

3. Alex Rodriguez - Between the steroids, the lie-filled interviews, the Madonna affair, the picture of him making out with himself, and the inability to win a ring, A-Rod has become a true role model... for tool sheds.

2. Reggie Bush - Fast as lightning, but he's too much of a girly-man to run between the tackles. Maybe he's not the next Gale Sayers, but at least he gets to date Kim Kardashian... and her crazy ass family... and their show on E! Yikes. He does, however, earn bonus points for doing commercials with Jared from Subway.

1. Tony Romo - Was there any doubt? Jessica Simpson is America's punch line right now. As Sean Avery would say, Romo is enjoying a Backstreet Boy's sloppy seconds. And although that's not actually her, I discovered the photoshop website http://www.worth1000.com/ after I peed myself viewing this photo. It wouldn't be so bad if Romo would have just stuck around long enough to describe her breasts to his teammates, but they're going on a couple years now. The Cowboys also happen to be going on a few years of zero playoffs wins. On the plus side, and I mean that as no joke towards Jessica's weight gain (wait, yes I do), Tony and Jessica are ready to be the focal point of MTV's Newlyweds 2.

Surely, that will cement Tony's status as a Tool-Hall-of-Famer.

2010 Viking QB Options

Now that Brett Favre and the Vikings appear to be headed toward an unthinkable marriage, Minnesota fans are feeling better about their quarterback situation. Unfortunately, this also means the Vikings are signing a guy who has pondered retirement after every season since 1964 (actual time-line might vary). It's left the staff looking toward their options for the following year. They include:

-Sign Patriots back-up QB Kevin O'Connell after he goes all "Matt Cassel" on the league.

-Move up in the 2nd round of the draft to grab Nick Mertens from D1-AA North Dakota State.

-Get Lovie Smith to make fun of Jay Cutler's hair, hurt his feelings and thus, demand a trade.

-Sign the top quarterback from the new UFL league, hoping for Tommy Maddox-like production.

-Sign Michael Vick and put my movie into production.

-Try to resurrect David Carr's career.

-Try to resurrect Joey Harrington's career.

-Try to resurrect Jeff George's career (again).

-Draft Tim Tebow, not to play quarterback, but to spend fifteen minutes with the quarterbacks.

-Convince Joe Mauer to give football one more try.

-Coax Brad Johnson out of retirement.

-Coax Warren Moon out of retirement.

-Coax Tommy Kramer out of retirement.

-Threaten the quarterbacks to listen to Adam Lambert sing after each interception thrown.

-Reward the quarterbacks with a "free boat ride" after every game without an interception.

-Just do the wildcat offense all the time with Percy, Chester, and Adrian.

-Find a grocery bagger who also happens to have played college football before.

-Let Brett Favre jerk the franchise around until he feels like making another comeback in August.

And that just sounds inevitable.

What the ESPN ticker has left out...

Poor Alex Rodriguez. The guy just can't seem to catch a break. I know, I know, the man has it all, and whatever he doesn't have he can buy. But he's also got this Selena Roberts gal on his back, searching through every fact of his life. From his first steps to his first syringe, Roberts is documenting it all in her new book about A-Rod. So far, we've found out that steroids were a part of A-Rod's workout regimen in high school, helping his bench press go from 100 pounds to 310 in a mere six months. Also, since he's been in the pros, he's tipped pitches to opposing players in games that have gotten out of hand, expecting the same in return to help his batting average. Here are a few other secrets to be added to the Hall-of-Shamer's cheat sheet, according to Roberts, that have yet to be mentioned.

-As a 6-year-old tee-ball player, little Alex would slip the game ball into his pocket while adjusting the height of the tee, and replace it with a juiced ball. As a result, he hit 46 homers that season. His previous tee-ball homerun average was only 34.

-The jump in bench press was not the only dramatic improvement aided by steroids. A-Rod also dropped his 40 yard dash time from 5.3 seconds to 4.4, and saw his vertical leap go from 26 inches to the ability to fly.

-A-Rod was telling the truth when he said he got steroids from his cousin, but he failed to mention his other sources. He also got the juice from Brian McNamee, Victor Conte, Scott Boras, his mom, his mom's friend Susan, his dad, Barry Bonds, Jose Conseco, that dude with a pony-tail from the gym, Madonna, Stephanie Pratt from "The Hills," Jason Giambi, Carrot Top, the defensive end from "The Program," Tony Mandarich, Shawne Merriman, and his other cousin, Vinny, who tried to convince him that they were, indeed, tic-tacs.

-Although we've never actually seen him do it, A-Rod is so juiced up that he has the ability to breathe fire and travel back in time to fight dinosaurs.

-During his years in Texas, A-Rod corked his bat, paid opposing catchers to call for high fastballs, and played home games at the Ball Park in Arlington, which has the outfield dimensions of a little league park.

-A-Rod is also a vampire.

-Because of his increased flexibility, A-Rod no longer has to shower as he is able to lick himself clean like a cat. He does this every day, and looks like he enjoys it.

-A-Rod is the reason behind several banks falling apart, as he has put every dime earned into a giant vault behind his home. He swims around in it as a tribute to Scrooge McDuck, his favorite character from the hit cartoon "Duck Tales."

-The steroids paid off in other sports during high school. A-Rod was a star on the football team, the basketball team, and Math Masters. The roids helped him break a mental sweat too.

-A-Rod is still on steroids, as this is the only way he is able to perform at the top athletic level. If he were to stop, he would transform back into his former self, which is identical American Idol's Jorge Nunez.

-A-Rod plays Connect 4 with his daughter all the time, but he never lets her win. Because he cheats.

-There was a time when A-Rod was so beefed up on roids that Chuck Norris told his publicist to cool it for a while.

-While in Seattle, A-Rod tried to convince Ken Griffey Jr. to shoot some roids with him. Griffey declined, saying that even though everyone else was doing it, he heard that it increased probability of injury, and thus, he didn't want to try it. A-Rod was outraged that someone could suggest that his steroids could actually cause harm. As a retaliation, A-Rod booby-trapped several spots in the Mariners outfield, beginning Griffey's injury-prone decline.

-A-Rod screwed up the engineer's blue-prints for the new Yankee Stadium to cause a wind tunnel that pushes home runs out to right field.

-When Jim Rome suspected A-Rod's use of steroids, he was suspiciously lit on fire. It was kept fairly under raps, and Rome was replaced by the drummer from System of a Down, but A-Rod was heard making several "Rome is Burning" jokes in the time since.

-A-Rod's steroid cycle ends in October, which is why he's always garbage in the postseason.

Maybe during his rehab, he can adjust it so he does something productive this October. That is, if the Yankees make the postseason. One thing is for sure; Selena will be watching, all the way, until A-Rod retires and becomes the top shuffle-board player in his senior center.

Your Draft Day Special - The All Salma Hayek Team

Get it? Because she's known for her bust. It's a play on words. About boobies. Now, without further ado, here are your biggest busts of the new millennium. I know you've seen a million of these, but this one is different because today's draft is included!

Quarterback

David Carr (#1, 2002, Houston)
Alex Smith (#1, 2005, San Francisco)

JaMarcus Russell (#1, 2007, Oakland)

Matthew Stafford (#1, 2009, Detroit)

This one is so easy, it is reserved only for top picks. Even Ryan Leaf might not make this decade's list. Carr and Smith need no further elaboration, and JaMarcus Russell is well on his way to joining them. Then, we have poor Matt Stafford, going to Detroit #1 overall, with the only consolation prize being the $40 million now in his bank account. This year's draft has clearly become a repeat of 2002, where Houston nabbed Carr at #1 and Detroit picked up Joey Harrington at #3. Both guys sucked, despite all their hype. Something tells me that because Detroit and the Jets are involved, the same will happen to Stafford and Sanchez in this year's draft. Salma's knocks don't lie. Oh yeah, they predict the future, too.

Runningback

Cedric Benson (2005, #4, Chicago)

Cadillac Williams (2005, #5, Tampa Bay)

Really, this decade was pretty kind on runningbacks. Thank goodness for the 2005 draft, which was absolutely BRUTAL. Go ahead, Wikipedia it, I'll wait for you. It's only been a few years, and most of the first-rounders can already be written off, including these two. Cadillac enjoyed a Rookie of the Year season, then went all "A-Train" Anthony Thomas on his career. Cedric Benson, on the other hand, never even had that, and is now a head cashier at Taco Bell.

Wide Receiver

Peter Warrick (# 4, Cincinnati, 2000)
Charles Rogers (#2, Detroit, 2003)
Troy Williamson (#7, Minnesota, 2005)
Darrius Heyward-Bey (#7, Oakland, 2009)

Not one of these guys lasted longer than five years in the NFL. Troy Williamson cemented his career with the Vikings with this play: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WZNyYouzuk&feature=related Oakland guaranteed us another one for this decade by passing up on Michael Crabtree for Heyward-Bey, whose two last names won't translate into one good player.

Tight End

Vernon Davis (#6, San Francisco, 2006)

Still waiting for this guy to produce. Unfortunately, the only thing he has produced so far is making head coach Mike Singletary so furious that he dropped his pants during his first half-time locker room speech as front-man of the Niners. Actually, that is pretty impressive.

Offensive Tackle

Mike Williams (#4, Buffalo, 2002)
Bryant McKinnie (#7, Minnesota, 2002)

Robert Gallery (#2, Oakland, 2004)

The "safest" pick of the draft has produced a few doozies. Mike Williams and Bryant McKinnie have a combined weight of 1,300 pounds, making it way too easy for today's lightning quick defensive ends to blow by them. As for Gallery, he is the only player chosen in the Top 8 of the '04 Draft to not make a Pro Bowl. And it's not because he's been snubbed.

Offensive Guard

None

These never get picked, because most the top linemen in college play tackle. Since I have nothing else to say, enjoy another this picture of Scarlett Johanssen, who was just chosen to be on the cover of next year's draft bust blog.

Center

Also none. Good thing this picture is keeping your attention.

Defensive End

Courtney Brown (#1, Cleveland, 2000)
Justin Smith (#4, Cinncinnati, 2001)

Chris Long (#2, St. Louis, 2008)

Justin Smith is cashing in because San Francisco ignores stats. He's garbage. Courtney Brown was supposed to be Reggie White, but has instead played like Barry White. Chris Long can still turn it around, but his Hall of Fame dad is too busy trying to turn Chevy around with his "if you don't own a Chevy, you're a pussy" campaign. Chris could use a man-step, but his dad won't allow it.

Defensive Tackle

Gerard Warren (#3, Cleveland, 2001)
Ryan Sims (#6, Kansas City, 2002)

DeWayne Robertson (#4, New York Jets, 2003)

Johnathan Sullivan (#6, New Orleans, 2003)

Why does Cleveland's defense still suck? It all starts up front with the poo-poo platter of Warren and Brown. Sullivan and Robertson are out of the league, while Sims can't even start over Chris Hovan in Tampa Bay.

Linebacker

A.J. Hawk (#5, Green Bay, 2006)

Vernon Gholston (#6, New York Jets, 2008)

This position was pretty safe up until a couple years ago. At least Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister. I'm told that's a good thing, but clearly she's still torn between the two. Gholston has just been awful, but by this point I've put up so many pictures of pretty girls that you just don't care anymore.

Cornerback

Dunta Robinson (#10, Houston, 2004)
Pacman Jones (#6, Tennessee, 2005)
Antrell Rolle (#8, Arizona, 2005)

You know what? Pacman makes it so much fun that you can ignore the other two. MAKE IT RAIN!!!! Good luck in your next career as a porn star.

Safety

Michael Huff (#7, Oakland, 2006)

LaRon Landry (#6, Washington, 2007)

Thankfully the NFL has insane owners like Al Davis, whose team is all over this blog, and Daniel Snyder, who usually trades these types of draft picks for 34 year old free agents.

It's because of guys like them that ensure these busty-themed articles always have a place on draft day.

Time to whip it out...

When Oklahoma State plays Oklahoma, it's called Bedlam. When Pittsburgh squares off with West Virginia, it's The Backyard Brawl. Duke against North Carolina is simply known as one of the greatest rivalries in sports.

Then you have North Dakota and North Dakota State: The Gayest Rivalry in Sports.

No, the students don't try to out gang-bang each other. Nor do they compete to see who can go the longest in a brown-star without the aid of lubrication. However, there is a great deal of dick measuring. In fact, that's pretty much all that's left.

Don't get me wrong, back in the day this rivalry used to be legit. Never did it reach the levels of an Ohio State - Michigan game, but as far as a regional rivalry, it was pretty significant. It didn't matter if one, or even both, teams were absolute garbage; Sioux vs. Bison was always a sell-out. And why not? The schools are only an hour's drive apart.

Rivalries are one of the best aspects about sports, but unfortunately it just isn't the same when the teams don't actually play. In 2004, the Bison moved to Division 1 in all athletics, while the Sioux stuck around in Division 2. This is when the aforementioned dick measuring began.

Bison fans immediately assumed that they were better than the Sioux in all sports because they were now Division 1. Sioux fans figured the Bison would flop at D1, and they were just moving up because they didn't have hockey. Consider hockey as the element that gives each side it's boner, causing them to go scrambling for a ruler. Or as many of these rubes will tell you, a yard stick.

The Sioux have one of the most established college hockey programs in the nation. 7 National Championships, 18 Frozen Fours, and countless games on TV against programs like Minnesota and Wisconsin. It's the signature of the entire university. 78 miles south, NDSU has a very nice agriculture department.

It's the end-all comeback, the "Yeah, well, you're stupid!" at the end of every message board. Sioux fans say the Bison are jealous because they'll never be a DIVISION 1 NATIONAL CHAMPION. Bison fans point out that no one cares about hockey, at least not outside of about 5 or 6 states in the U.S.

Sioux fans always have hockey in their back pocket. Bison fans counter with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyn8IRFup4Y

Now that neither team plays, the argument is not about who is better, but rather, who is more relevant nationally. The realization for these delusional fans needs to be this: neither school is big time. The best thing they can hope for are a couple flashes of brilliance.

An excellent example of this would be the Sioux hockey team capturing a National Championship, and for however brief a time, being noticed by a national audience. Another excellent example is the Bison men's basketball team winning the Summit League and making the Big Dance. Once again, a national stage, no matter how short-lived.

Examples of the Ron Jeremy and Dirk Diggler major asset contestants, however, are all over university message boards, as well as the comments section of any related blog. Go to www.areavoices.com/bisonmedia, click on comments, and see how long it takes for any topic, much less ones that mention the Sioux, to switch into mine-is-bigger mode.

Residents in this area need to stop arguing over who is more nationally renown, because the answer will always be neither. This isn't Texas. This isn't even Minnesota. This is North Dakota. Any game that is televised for either school should be celebrated on either side.

Sioux fans should have cheered for the Bison men to make the tournament. It proves that a few kids from this area are actually capable of playing basketball. And guess what? Some can play hockey too, and UND has proved that.

Hopefully, some day, these teams will play each other again. UND moved up to Divison 1 last year in all other sports, and it would only make sense for these two teams to be in the same conference once the Sioux catch up in scholarships and finish their probation period.

Again, Bison-backers will say they are above the Sioux. Sioux-per fans will say they don't need the Bison and they can go to a different conference. Each side better have plenty of KY jelly.

I say, wouldn't it just be more fun to play each other again? I've been told that a Sioux - Bison football game is as good as it gets. I'd like to see it for myself.

On a personal note, I graduated from the UND. Upon graduation, I worked as a sports reporter in Fargo, covering every Bison athletic program at some point during a full year.

Maybe a few Sioux fans will read this and call me a traitor. Maybe a few Bison fans will read it and call me a jealous Sioux-backer.

And I'll just call them all gay.

Bracket Porn!

From 2001 until 2004, I was an unstoppable bracketeer. Each of those years, I finished in the top 8 in the Windom Pool. This is also known as Al Baloun's Community Pool full of policemen, teachers, and high school coaches. March Madness - it's okay to gamble on 18-23 year olds JUST THIS ONE TIME! Love it. Anyways, anyone in the top 8 in Al's Pool wins some money. There are usually 80+ people in this bracket. I would like to note that from 2001 to 2004, I was in high school. Freshman through Senior year. This was the only thing I could ever brag about, including my perfect Final Fours in 2001 and 2004. In the years since, well, I've run cold, but at least I've gotten laid since then. The key to my winnings during high school was all the hours in the computer lab spent breaking down resumes from each team, rather than doing schoolwork. Once I got to college, I tried to do the same thing my freshman year. I was quickly rewarded with a 62% in a Sociology quiz. Nice. Needless to say, my brackets were just filled out with gut feelings from that point forward. Now that I have a job, I can waste time again. Did you know that Alabama State has a player named Chief Kickingstallionsims? I do. Now that that's out of the way, it's time for some picks.



MIDWEST


1st and 2nd Round


The play-in game features Morehead State and Alabama State, with their aforementioned star. Although no bracket in the history of gambling requires people to pick this game, I will add it to the list simply because this game shows the committee's sense of humor. Think of the game's apparel sales - many College Humor fans already own Morehead State gear for obvious pervert reasons, and who the hell wouldn't love to buy an Alabama State jersey with the name "Kickingstallionsims" on the back. Genius. That's why Alabama State will win, followed by a thrashing to Louisville in which Terrence Williams and Earl Clark confuse half the stadium by holding a during game Slam Dunk competition.


Ohio State over Siena, who lost all sleeper value by having to play OSU in Columbus West. This is the same reason OSU will keep very close to Louisville, but run out of gas when B.J. Mullens thinks his mustache belongs to Adam Morrison, forcing him to break down and cry at midcourt.


One note: Louisville scares the crap out of me. They've lost Western Kentucky, Minnesota, UNLV (at home!) and Notre Dame (by 33!). I could totally see them winning it all, or crapping the bed and losing in the 2nd round to Ohio State. I will say this: One of the top seeds is going down in the second round. Just too many tough match-ups; one out of four has to go down. Do I have the balls to say who? Stay tuned.


Utah over Arizona, who has become everyone's favorite "12 over a 5" upset, even though this is the same Arizona team that fans love every year, only to see them lose to West Virginia as a 10 last year, and Purdue as a 9 the year before. Remember picking them in the first round both of those years? STOP DOING THAT!


Wake Forest will play their bipolar best in a win over Cleveland State, where they will trail by at least 12 at one point, and lead by at least 15 at another point. Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold" was actually written about Wake Forest, which is why they will lose to Utah in the second round despite having more talent.


Kansas wins a first round road game against NDSU and several thousand rowdy Bison fans who already have several outs to make this game sound like the biggest deal ever. I live in Fargo, and I just know something has to happen that will make the Bison rubes whip it out and see who's is bigger with the U of North Dakota. I don't think (and I certainly don't hope) it's with a win over Kansas, but I could see KU going to the Final Four, causing message boards to erupt with "See? See how good were are? We only lost to a Final Four team by 12 points! Suck on that SUE! But hey, you still have hockey." It just seems like the most probable thing to happen.


West Virginia beats Dayton, then loses to Kansas in the 2nd round. As a consolation prize, West Virginia wins the "Nick Johnson's favorite sleeper until the brackets actually came out" award. Tough break for the Mountaineers.


USC dismantles Doug Flutie and BC, then loses a yawn-fest to Michigan State. As much as I love the 8 and 9 seeds to knock off a 1, I hate all of the 7 and 10 seeds. Normally, there's at least one shoe-in second round upset of a 2 seed. I can't find one this year, and almost talked myself into USC in this matchup. Then I looked at my bracket last year with USC in the Elite Eight, and vomited Orange Juice and Mayo all over the floor.


Semifinals


Louisville over Utah, who will play the role of this year's "Mountain West team that flew under the radar when experts made their picks, then gained steam into the second weekend, only to go out with a whimper against a better team."


Kansas upends Michigan State on the scoreboard, but Tom Izzo wins his head-to-head matchup with Bill Self to see who's face can look more like they're taking a dump.

Final

Kansas over Louisville. I like this Louisville team, but I just have a hunch about Kansas. Cole Aldrich and Sherron Collins will be the annual players from the same team to climb up the NBA Draft board with a good tourney run, the way CDR and Derrick Rose did last year. Bill Self has some major karma as College Basketball's best coach, and can cement it with this team that was supposed to be a rebuilding project. And don't forget those Bison fans in the first round, who will say they were the tough test that made KU strong enough for a Final Four run. Seriously, the Bison Media blog. Read it in two weeks.


EAST

1st and 2nd Round

Pittsburgh rolls over East Tennessee State, then plays the REAL Tennessee team in a tough fought game. Again, I like Pitt to win, but Bruce Pearl and his great porn director name will not go down easy (no pun intended). Seriously, did any conference get urinated on by the committee more than the SEC? Only three teams, LSU, the regular season champ and ranked in the Top 25 is an 8 seed, playing the toughest 9 seed in Butler (who also deals with more than their fair share of tournament committee piss). Tennessee a 9, and Mississippi State a 13??? I know they weren't great in the regular season, but you win the SEC tournament, finish 23-12, and get put on the same line as Akron? The SEC was down, but I was looking forward to picking all these teams to lose in an upset, not just chalk it up like everyone else.

Florida State will knock off Wisconsin in the tournament's ugliest game. One thing to note about the Big Ten: they play so sloppy that one of these teams could contact the ghost of Tom Coverdale and pull a 2002 Indiana type run to the title game. If they get the right teams to play down to their poopy style, something like that could happen. As for this game (as well as five other first rounders including the Big Ten), I just don't see it.

Their game is in Boise, which for whatever reason, has become the Bermuda Triangle of the NCAA Tournament. Something crazy always seems to happen there (Hampton over Iowa State anyone?) and this year I could see it happening again. That's why I like Portland State over Xavier. And Florida State. Aside from the haunted house factor, Portland State has a sneaky good team. They won at Gonzaga, and lost by only a point to Washington. They made the tourney last year, granted they lost in the first round to Kansas, but at least they've been there before. They have balanced scoring, with four guys averaging double figures, AND they're playing somewhat close to home. Xavier has been good in this tournament for way too long, they're due for an upset. If the Vikings can get by them, I can't see them losing to FSU.

Out in Philly, Villanova gets the biggest home court advantage, while UCLA gets the biggest shaft. Not only are they a 6 seed, they have to play a scrappy VCU team who has some upset cred from two years ago (remember that Duke fans?). I like UCLA to survive that game, and I would like them to beat Nova if it wasn't a road game. With seasoned guys like Josh Shipp and Darren Collison, UCLA has that San Antonio Spur feel to just turn it on come playoff time. Too bad for the Bruins. Oh yeah, and the American Eagles, but at least they still have that clothing line.

Texas over Minnesota in a surprisingly easy first round pick. I want the Gophers to win, I grew up in Minnesota, and I've always loved the basketball team. That's why I see this loss coming from a mile away. You know why? Because it's a winnable game. They're a minor underdog, meaning everyone in Al's Pool will pick them out of homer pride. Unfortunately, in the Minnesota history of sports, this is the part where the letdown comes into play. I hope I'm wrong, it's just that I'm usually not when it comes to the Minnesota letdown. Just too much experience.

I'd love to pick Texas over Duke, I really would. I'd love it more that Angelique would love to rail 20 Pack. But I just can't do it. Texas is garbage, and the only reason they'll even advance is because of the annual Minnesota letdown. I just cracked open a beer. Maybe Binghamton can muster up some Belmont pride and give Duke another scare in the first round, but I doubt it. We've been spoiled by Duke, well, taking a duke the past couple of years in the big dance. We just can't expect them to keep doing it. Look at it this way, at least we can keep rooting against them if they stick around. Glass half full? Anyone?

Semifinals

Portland State's cinderella run ends at the hands of Pittsburgh. It just has to. Meanwhile, this will be about the time that people start to realize how good Sam Young is. Believe me, I have somewhat of a man-crush on DeJuan Blair, but Young is their best player. Maybe it's because he's a senior, and wasn't the best player we'd ever seen ever when he was a freshman, but he averages nearly 20 a game and he does it in entertaining fashion. Get to know him!

Keep hating Duke, because they'll keep winning by knocking off Nova. At least Jay Wright will be dressed better than Mike Shashefski. I mean Krzykewski. What a tool.

Final

Pittsburgh frees us of Kyle Singler and the rest of Duke's Nazi squad. Blue Devil fans use their white hoods to wipe the blue paint off their face, and they return home to burn more crosses and use the Lord's name in vein. Did I mention I'm not much of a Duke guy?

SOUTH

1st and 2nd Round

The toughest 8 or 9 draw of them all was given to the Tar Heels. Butler has proven themselves time and again in this tourney, yet they've only been rewarded with anything higher than a 7 seed one time (a 5 in 2007, when they made it to the Sweet 16!). This is a scary game for the Heels, probably the toughest one they will have in a road to the Final Four. Once again, I don't have the cojones to actually pick Butler, but I will be pulling for them.

Once again, Western Kentucky is a 12 seed, and once again, they will advance. Illinois is about as inconsistent as anyone, and I just can't pick a team who put up only 33 points at home to Penn State. Seriously. The Hilltoppers have everyone back, except for the great Courtney Lee, and Illinois' best player might be hurt. Committee to bracket people - enjoy your gimme 12 over 5 game!

Gonzaga plays Akron, who has been visited by the great LeBron James on a few occassions this season. However, unless the Zips change their name to the Witnesses, and Bron-Bron suits up for them, they aren't going anywhere. Western Kentucky and Gonzaga is an interesting game: it could represent WKU becoming the new "it" team for mid-majors, with them seizing control over Gonzaga in a Rocky over Apollo moment. However, this game is in Portland, very close to home for the Zags, which is why I give them the edge.

Arizona State is my only sleeper team that ended up with a good draw. Temple's been hot, but the Sun Devils have had some good karma all season. They have balance, a go-to guy in James Harden, and after a solid tourney run, they will have the coach in Herb Sendek who gets his named dropped for every major coaching vacancy ala Billy Gillispie.

Syracuse has done this before: make a huge Big East tourney run, gain a whole bunch of steam as the team that's "playing it's best basketball right now," and then be forgotten about by the second weekend. I see more of the same this time. I could almost see them losing to Stephen F. Austin, but he's only one person. Instead, Arizona State will knock off the Orange in Round 2. Although, Cuse was a 3 seed when they won it all in '03...

Speaking of "seen this before," Clemson starts off the season 15-0 for the 17th straight season, only to sink into mediocrity after Christmas. Lucky break for Michigan, who might just give Oklahoma some fits in Round 2. You have to watch out for John Beilein coached teams. In fact, this Michigan team could be that sloppy Big Ten team to make a run, maybe not to the title game, but to the Elite 8. However, Kevin Pittsnogle and Mike Gansey aren't walking through that door to sink a record number of threes for Coach Beilein, so I'll take future L.A. Clipper Blake Griffin and his Sooners.

Semifinals

UNC makes a statement against Gonzaga after their squeeker over Butler. Lawson starts to gain some of his health back, every analyst in the country will jump on their bandwagon as the best team, and Roy Williams will swear in front of Bonnie Bernstein again (Please, I don't ask for much).

Arizona State will take down Oklahoma thanks in large part to James Pendergraph's ability to neutralize Blake Griffin. Although I don't think Griffin will cry, I nominate him for the Adam Morrison award for "most close-ups of a player's face after his team is bounced from the tourney a round earlier than he thought."

Finals

Sendek's Devils bow out to Carolina, who gets into the Final Four for something like the 356th time. Defense will be an issue for the Heels, and Seth Davis will make sure to point this out any time he gets a chance, breaking the record for the "Memphis free-throws" topic from a year ago.

WEST

Chattanooga over UConn! In the spread, that is. The Huskies barely win by about 20, then become my final chance to have the balls to pick a top seed to lose in the 2nd round. I can't do it. Even though Texas A&M almost did it to UCLA last year, I don't even see the Aggies beating a sneaky good team from BYU. Those mormons can shoot, man. If Steve Young could get on Ty Detmer's shoulders to post up against Hasheem Thabeet, maybe, but since they can't, he will wreck the Cougars down low.

It's very hard for me to pick against Northern Iowa, seeing as my buddy Delo is tight with their head coach. I mean, that's the closest thing I can get to a name drop in this whole bracket, other than how I got to interview every player for my alma mater's rival NDSU back in the day. The Panthers will keep it tight with their big ogre down low, Jordan Eglseder, but Purdue has been playing well lately with Robbie Hummel back, and because both Big Ten 5'ers can't lose in the first round.

Washington gets to play close to home against the SEC tourney champion. That still seems odd to me. The Huskies will take it, and also knock off Purdue. The gay guy in me would like to point out that Purdue and Washington will have clashing goldish-yellow colors on their jerseys, and the straight man in me would like to point out that that's why gay people usually don't like sports. If they did, Cuba would never be allowed to wear those wretched red pants in the World Baseball Classic. I'm done now.

Back to crazy Boise, where Marquette survives Utah State. I thought the Golden Eagles would stink something awful when Dominic James, their senior-freaking point guard, tore his ACL and ended his season. But, the Fighting D-Wades have kept every game close. Maybe that means they'll lose this game by a point too, but they've just shown too much heart for me to not pick them to advance at least once.

Missouri outsmarts Randy Wittman's kid and the rest of Cornell in the biggets clash of style in the tournament. Mizzou wants to run you out of the gym, Cornell wants to tie sweater's around their waists and invest their money. I like Mizzou on a basketball court, and I also think they wear out Marquette a round later.

My boys from Maryland take on California in a game that I can't pick objectively. I mean, it's the Terps, so I'm going to pick them. Plus, I haven't seen Cal play at all this year. Not once. I just kind of forgot about them. This could bite me in the ass later.

Memphis will pimp slap C-St.-N (Do you know what that stands for? Me neither) and then they'll also probably pimp slap my Terps. John Calipari is hard core; he thinks every game is a statement game, and he might be just a tad upset about not getting that top seed. Their style of play (stingy defense, quick scoring offense) is a great recipe for blowouts. I wonder if they could beat the Grizzlies right now?

Semifinals

Remember when UConn played Washington in 2006, and needed a buzzer beater to knock off Brandon Roy and the Huskies? Well, Brandon Roy doesn't play at Washington, so it won't be that close this time.

Memphis over Mizzou in a very fun to watch game. However, the Tigers force a lot of turnovers, and with a run and gun team, they'll force a lot more. Player to gain steam with national recognition and NBA Draft status at this point? Tyreke Evans. He's no Derrick Rose, and unfortunately he was compared to him often all year, but he's a standout player in a different way. He'll prove it this March.

Final

Memphis over UConn in a game that just has to happen. All the top seed talk, the Big East being all powerful versus Conference USA being a one-horse league, and Calipari against Calhoun. Seriously, can you think of two more pompous coaches going head-to-head? I can't, and I love it. I like Memphis, again, because of the defense, and because UConn has never been the same without Jerome Dyson. Their talent will carry them here, but no further.

FINAL FOUR

Semifinals

Memphis keeps it going by getting "revenge" over Kansas, even though the "revenge" won't put a "2008 National Champions" banner in their gym. In the past, I've hated Memphis because of the weak schedule, but the fact of the matter is, is that it just doesn't matter. Calipari knows how to teach his kids to go for the jugular - that's why they haven't stumbled in 61 straight Conference USA games. He expects perfection and nothing less. Next year, with two of the top four recruits in the country, they might be undefeated heading into the tournament, especially if Evans sticks around. You heard it here first.

Pittsburgh knocks off UNC, Tyler Hansbrough will cry, and his dad will hug him at midcourt in a moment that CBS will try to turn into the final scene of "Friday Night Lights." Hansbrough is a great college player, but there is no worse matchup for him than a big ol' bruiser down low. Cough, DeJuan Blair, cough. Levance Fields will have the game of his life, and he'll break the record for most fist-pumping-on-his-chest moves in one game.

Finals

Pittsburgh over Memphis. All season long I just haven't been able to get off the Panthers. They have so much going for them on the court that is obvious: they finally learned how to win big games on the road by slaying Calhoun's boys in Storrs, and they even have senior leaders in Sam Young, Levance Fields, and Tyrell Biggs. Who the hell has senior leadership anymore? Aside from that, they have the karma factor. Coach Jamie Dixon is one of the best and most underrated coaches in sports, and his sister's death from a couple years ago will provide the spiritual motivation. They even have Jermaine Dixon, Juan "Shining Moment" Dixon's cousin. You don't think they've been on the phone like 100 times in the past month? The Final Four is in Detroit, a blue-collar town much like Pittsburgh, where the Steelers even won the Super Bowl four years ago. It just all seems to make sense.

Which is why it has no chance of happening. You're welcome fellow participants of Al's Pool!

Get Down with the Sickness

March 7, 2009: I go to the Doctor

Me: Doc, I just haven't been myself lately. I've been going on spending sprees for team apparel of different colleges, like this Belmont shirt I have on, this Virginia Commonwealth hat, and these Morehead State boxers. When I drink something, I blow bubbles, and then argue with myself over which bubble is best, like they're little bubble teams. And I have this odd new habit of kissing the middle of the floor at my job, right on the Cartridge World logo, just before I leave. What's going on?

Dr. Lunardi: Well, son, I think you might have a case of March Madness.

Me: Good one Doc. What's really happening here?

Dr. Lunardi: I'm serious, I think you have March Madness. Do you fish?

Me: Yeah, I went last week, what does that have to do with it?

Dr. Lunardi: Well, did you cut off the net and hold it over your head afterwards?

Me: Yeah... How'd you know?

Dr. Lunardi: Now I'm sure it's March Madness. I bet you also framed your shirt from the time you scored 7 points in that pickup game last week.

Me: Yeah, I did. Is this also why I've started trying on glass slippers at the shoe store?

Dr. Lunardi: Probably.

Me: And why I tried drawing up a bracket for I Love Money 2?

Dr. Lunardi: I would imagine.

Me: And when I tug on the front of my shirt with pride after a successful trip to the bathroom?

Dr. Lunardi: That's a little odd, actually.

Me: Oh, sorry. Man, I always thought March Madness was just a saying, not a real disease.

Dr. Lunardi: Yeah, that's what people said about cooties until Paris Hilton came along.

Me: Really? So Gold Fever?

Dr. Lunardi: Flavor Flav.

Me: And explosive diarrhea?

Dr. Lunardi: That one was always real.

Me: Right. So how do I get over this March Madness?

Dr. Lunardi: There's no cure, only time can heal it. Until April to be exact.

Me: Should I avoid college basketball?

Dr. Lunardi: No, if anything watch more of it. Fill out the brackets, debate bubble teams, bet on games, just go ahead and get your fill before the season's over. Just avoid heavy doses of Digger Phelps.

Me: Thanks, Doc. Now, can we take a look at that prostate of mine?