Time to whip it out...

When Oklahoma State plays Oklahoma, it's called Bedlam. When Pittsburgh squares off with West Virginia, it's The Backyard Brawl. Duke against North Carolina is simply known as one of the greatest rivalries in sports.

Then you have North Dakota and North Dakota State: The Gayest Rivalry in Sports.

No, the students don't try to out gang-bang each other. Nor do they compete to see who can go the longest in a brown-star without the aid of lubrication. However, there is a great deal of dick measuring. In fact, that's pretty much all that's left.

Don't get me wrong, back in the day this rivalry used to be legit. Never did it reach the levels of an Ohio State - Michigan game, but as far as a regional rivalry, it was pretty significant. It didn't matter if one, or even both, teams were absolute garbage; Sioux vs. Bison was always a sell-out. And why not? The schools are only an hour's drive apart.

Rivalries are one of the best aspects about sports, but unfortunately it just isn't the same when the teams don't actually play. In 2004, the Bison moved to Division 1 in all athletics, while the Sioux stuck around in Division 2. This is when the aforementioned dick measuring began.

Bison fans immediately assumed that they were better than the Sioux in all sports because they were now Division 1. Sioux fans figured the Bison would flop at D1, and they were just moving up because they didn't have hockey. Consider hockey as the element that gives each side it's boner, causing them to go scrambling for a ruler. Or as many of these rubes will tell you, a yard stick.

The Sioux have one of the most established college hockey programs in the nation. 7 National Championships, 18 Frozen Fours, and countless games on TV against programs like Minnesota and Wisconsin. It's the signature of the entire university. 78 miles south, NDSU has a very nice agriculture department.

It's the end-all comeback, the "Yeah, well, you're stupid!" at the end of every message board. Sioux fans say the Bison are jealous because they'll never be a DIVISION 1 NATIONAL CHAMPION. Bison fans point out that no one cares about hockey, at least not outside of about 5 or 6 states in the U.S.

Sioux fans always have hockey in their back pocket. Bison fans counter with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyn8IRFup4Y

Now that neither team plays, the argument is not about who is better, but rather, who is more relevant nationally. The realization for these delusional fans needs to be this: neither school is big time. The best thing they can hope for are a couple flashes of brilliance.

An excellent example of this would be the Sioux hockey team capturing a National Championship, and for however brief a time, being noticed by a national audience. Another excellent example is the Bison men's basketball team winning the Summit League and making the Big Dance. Once again, a national stage, no matter how short-lived.

Examples of the Ron Jeremy and Dirk Diggler major asset contestants, however, are all over university message boards, as well as the comments section of any related blog. Go to www.areavoices.com/bisonmedia, click on comments, and see how long it takes for any topic, much less ones that mention the Sioux, to switch into mine-is-bigger mode.

Residents in this area need to stop arguing over who is more nationally renown, because the answer will always be neither. This isn't Texas. This isn't even Minnesota. This is North Dakota. Any game that is televised for either school should be celebrated on either side.

Sioux fans should have cheered for the Bison men to make the tournament. It proves that a few kids from this area are actually capable of playing basketball. And guess what? Some can play hockey too, and UND has proved that.

Hopefully, some day, these teams will play each other again. UND moved up to Divison 1 last year in all other sports, and it would only make sense for these two teams to be in the same conference once the Sioux catch up in scholarships and finish their probation period.

Again, Bison-backers will say they are above the Sioux. Sioux-per fans will say they don't need the Bison and they can go to a different conference. Each side better have plenty of KY jelly.

I say, wouldn't it just be more fun to play each other again? I've been told that a Sioux - Bison football game is as good as it gets. I'd like to see it for myself.

On a personal note, I graduated from the UND. Upon graduation, I worked as a sports reporter in Fargo, covering every Bison athletic program at some point during a full year.

Maybe a few Sioux fans will read this and call me a traitor. Maybe a few Bison fans will read it and call me a jealous Sioux-backer.

And I'll just call them all gay.

Bracket Porn!

From 2001 until 2004, I was an unstoppable bracketeer. Each of those years, I finished in the top 8 in the Windom Pool. This is also known as Al Baloun's Community Pool full of policemen, teachers, and high school coaches. March Madness - it's okay to gamble on 18-23 year olds JUST THIS ONE TIME! Love it. Anyways, anyone in the top 8 in Al's Pool wins some money. There are usually 80+ people in this bracket. I would like to note that from 2001 to 2004, I was in high school. Freshman through Senior year. This was the only thing I could ever brag about, including my perfect Final Fours in 2001 and 2004. In the years since, well, I've run cold, but at least I've gotten laid since then. The key to my winnings during high school was all the hours in the computer lab spent breaking down resumes from each team, rather than doing schoolwork. Once I got to college, I tried to do the same thing my freshman year. I was quickly rewarded with a 62% in a Sociology quiz. Nice. Needless to say, my brackets were just filled out with gut feelings from that point forward. Now that I have a job, I can waste time again. Did you know that Alabama State has a player named Chief Kickingstallionsims? I do. Now that that's out of the way, it's time for some picks.



MIDWEST


1st and 2nd Round


The play-in game features Morehead State and Alabama State, with their aforementioned star. Although no bracket in the history of gambling requires people to pick this game, I will add it to the list simply because this game shows the committee's sense of humor. Think of the game's apparel sales - many College Humor fans already own Morehead State gear for obvious pervert reasons, and who the hell wouldn't love to buy an Alabama State jersey with the name "Kickingstallionsims" on the back. Genius. That's why Alabama State will win, followed by a thrashing to Louisville in which Terrence Williams and Earl Clark confuse half the stadium by holding a during game Slam Dunk competition.


Ohio State over Siena, who lost all sleeper value by having to play OSU in Columbus West. This is the same reason OSU will keep very close to Louisville, but run out of gas when B.J. Mullens thinks his mustache belongs to Adam Morrison, forcing him to break down and cry at midcourt.


One note: Louisville scares the crap out of me. They've lost Western Kentucky, Minnesota, UNLV (at home!) and Notre Dame (by 33!). I could totally see them winning it all, or crapping the bed and losing in the 2nd round to Ohio State. I will say this: One of the top seeds is going down in the second round. Just too many tough match-ups; one out of four has to go down. Do I have the balls to say who? Stay tuned.


Utah over Arizona, who has become everyone's favorite "12 over a 5" upset, even though this is the same Arizona team that fans love every year, only to see them lose to West Virginia as a 10 last year, and Purdue as a 9 the year before. Remember picking them in the first round both of those years? STOP DOING THAT!


Wake Forest will play their bipolar best in a win over Cleveland State, where they will trail by at least 12 at one point, and lead by at least 15 at another point. Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold" was actually written about Wake Forest, which is why they will lose to Utah in the second round despite having more talent.


Kansas wins a first round road game against NDSU and several thousand rowdy Bison fans who already have several outs to make this game sound like the biggest deal ever. I live in Fargo, and I just know something has to happen that will make the Bison rubes whip it out and see who's is bigger with the U of North Dakota. I don't think (and I certainly don't hope) it's with a win over Kansas, but I could see KU going to the Final Four, causing message boards to erupt with "See? See how good were are? We only lost to a Final Four team by 12 points! Suck on that SUE! But hey, you still have hockey." It just seems like the most probable thing to happen.


West Virginia beats Dayton, then loses to Kansas in the 2nd round. As a consolation prize, West Virginia wins the "Nick Johnson's favorite sleeper until the brackets actually came out" award. Tough break for the Mountaineers.


USC dismantles Doug Flutie and BC, then loses a yawn-fest to Michigan State. As much as I love the 8 and 9 seeds to knock off a 1, I hate all of the 7 and 10 seeds. Normally, there's at least one shoe-in second round upset of a 2 seed. I can't find one this year, and almost talked myself into USC in this matchup. Then I looked at my bracket last year with USC in the Elite Eight, and vomited Orange Juice and Mayo all over the floor.


Semifinals


Louisville over Utah, who will play the role of this year's "Mountain West team that flew under the radar when experts made their picks, then gained steam into the second weekend, only to go out with a whimper against a better team."


Kansas upends Michigan State on the scoreboard, but Tom Izzo wins his head-to-head matchup with Bill Self to see who's face can look more like they're taking a dump.

Final

Kansas over Louisville. I like this Louisville team, but I just have a hunch about Kansas. Cole Aldrich and Sherron Collins will be the annual players from the same team to climb up the NBA Draft board with a good tourney run, the way CDR and Derrick Rose did last year. Bill Self has some major karma as College Basketball's best coach, and can cement it with this team that was supposed to be a rebuilding project. And don't forget those Bison fans in the first round, who will say they were the tough test that made KU strong enough for a Final Four run. Seriously, the Bison Media blog. Read it in two weeks.


EAST

1st and 2nd Round

Pittsburgh rolls over East Tennessee State, then plays the REAL Tennessee team in a tough fought game. Again, I like Pitt to win, but Bruce Pearl and his great porn director name will not go down easy (no pun intended). Seriously, did any conference get urinated on by the committee more than the SEC? Only three teams, LSU, the regular season champ and ranked in the Top 25 is an 8 seed, playing the toughest 9 seed in Butler (who also deals with more than their fair share of tournament committee piss). Tennessee a 9, and Mississippi State a 13??? I know they weren't great in the regular season, but you win the SEC tournament, finish 23-12, and get put on the same line as Akron? The SEC was down, but I was looking forward to picking all these teams to lose in an upset, not just chalk it up like everyone else.

Florida State will knock off Wisconsin in the tournament's ugliest game. One thing to note about the Big Ten: they play so sloppy that one of these teams could contact the ghost of Tom Coverdale and pull a 2002 Indiana type run to the title game. If they get the right teams to play down to their poopy style, something like that could happen. As for this game (as well as five other first rounders including the Big Ten), I just don't see it.

Their game is in Boise, which for whatever reason, has become the Bermuda Triangle of the NCAA Tournament. Something crazy always seems to happen there (Hampton over Iowa State anyone?) and this year I could see it happening again. That's why I like Portland State over Xavier. And Florida State. Aside from the haunted house factor, Portland State has a sneaky good team. They won at Gonzaga, and lost by only a point to Washington. They made the tourney last year, granted they lost in the first round to Kansas, but at least they've been there before. They have balanced scoring, with four guys averaging double figures, AND they're playing somewhat close to home. Xavier has been good in this tournament for way too long, they're due for an upset. If the Vikings can get by them, I can't see them losing to FSU.

Out in Philly, Villanova gets the biggest home court advantage, while UCLA gets the biggest shaft. Not only are they a 6 seed, they have to play a scrappy VCU team who has some upset cred from two years ago (remember that Duke fans?). I like UCLA to survive that game, and I would like them to beat Nova if it wasn't a road game. With seasoned guys like Josh Shipp and Darren Collison, UCLA has that San Antonio Spur feel to just turn it on come playoff time. Too bad for the Bruins. Oh yeah, and the American Eagles, but at least they still have that clothing line.

Texas over Minnesota in a surprisingly easy first round pick. I want the Gophers to win, I grew up in Minnesota, and I've always loved the basketball team. That's why I see this loss coming from a mile away. You know why? Because it's a winnable game. They're a minor underdog, meaning everyone in Al's Pool will pick them out of homer pride. Unfortunately, in the Minnesota history of sports, this is the part where the letdown comes into play. I hope I'm wrong, it's just that I'm usually not when it comes to the Minnesota letdown. Just too much experience.

I'd love to pick Texas over Duke, I really would. I'd love it more that Angelique would love to rail 20 Pack. But I just can't do it. Texas is garbage, and the only reason they'll even advance is because of the annual Minnesota letdown. I just cracked open a beer. Maybe Binghamton can muster up some Belmont pride and give Duke another scare in the first round, but I doubt it. We've been spoiled by Duke, well, taking a duke the past couple of years in the big dance. We just can't expect them to keep doing it. Look at it this way, at least we can keep rooting against them if they stick around. Glass half full? Anyone?

Semifinals

Portland State's cinderella run ends at the hands of Pittsburgh. It just has to. Meanwhile, this will be about the time that people start to realize how good Sam Young is. Believe me, I have somewhat of a man-crush on DeJuan Blair, but Young is their best player. Maybe it's because he's a senior, and wasn't the best player we'd ever seen ever when he was a freshman, but he averages nearly 20 a game and he does it in entertaining fashion. Get to know him!

Keep hating Duke, because they'll keep winning by knocking off Nova. At least Jay Wright will be dressed better than Mike Shashefski. I mean Krzykewski. What a tool.

Final

Pittsburgh frees us of Kyle Singler and the rest of Duke's Nazi squad. Blue Devil fans use their white hoods to wipe the blue paint off their face, and they return home to burn more crosses and use the Lord's name in vein. Did I mention I'm not much of a Duke guy?

SOUTH

1st and 2nd Round

The toughest 8 or 9 draw of them all was given to the Tar Heels. Butler has proven themselves time and again in this tourney, yet they've only been rewarded with anything higher than a 7 seed one time (a 5 in 2007, when they made it to the Sweet 16!). This is a scary game for the Heels, probably the toughest one they will have in a road to the Final Four. Once again, I don't have the cojones to actually pick Butler, but I will be pulling for them.

Once again, Western Kentucky is a 12 seed, and once again, they will advance. Illinois is about as inconsistent as anyone, and I just can't pick a team who put up only 33 points at home to Penn State. Seriously. The Hilltoppers have everyone back, except for the great Courtney Lee, and Illinois' best player might be hurt. Committee to bracket people - enjoy your gimme 12 over 5 game!

Gonzaga plays Akron, who has been visited by the great LeBron James on a few occassions this season. However, unless the Zips change their name to the Witnesses, and Bron-Bron suits up for them, they aren't going anywhere. Western Kentucky and Gonzaga is an interesting game: it could represent WKU becoming the new "it" team for mid-majors, with them seizing control over Gonzaga in a Rocky over Apollo moment. However, this game is in Portland, very close to home for the Zags, which is why I give them the edge.

Arizona State is my only sleeper team that ended up with a good draw. Temple's been hot, but the Sun Devils have had some good karma all season. They have balance, a go-to guy in James Harden, and after a solid tourney run, they will have the coach in Herb Sendek who gets his named dropped for every major coaching vacancy ala Billy Gillispie.

Syracuse has done this before: make a huge Big East tourney run, gain a whole bunch of steam as the team that's "playing it's best basketball right now," and then be forgotten about by the second weekend. I see more of the same this time. I could almost see them losing to Stephen F. Austin, but he's only one person. Instead, Arizona State will knock off the Orange in Round 2. Although, Cuse was a 3 seed when they won it all in '03...

Speaking of "seen this before," Clemson starts off the season 15-0 for the 17th straight season, only to sink into mediocrity after Christmas. Lucky break for Michigan, who might just give Oklahoma some fits in Round 2. You have to watch out for John Beilein coached teams. In fact, this Michigan team could be that sloppy Big Ten team to make a run, maybe not to the title game, but to the Elite 8. However, Kevin Pittsnogle and Mike Gansey aren't walking through that door to sink a record number of threes for Coach Beilein, so I'll take future L.A. Clipper Blake Griffin and his Sooners.

Semifinals

UNC makes a statement against Gonzaga after their squeeker over Butler. Lawson starts to gain some of his health back, every analyst in the country will jump on their bandwagon as the best team, and Roy Williams will swear in front of Bonnie Bernstein again (Please, I don't ask for much).

Arizona State will take down Oklahoma thanks in large part to James Pendergraph's ability to neutralize Blake Griffin. Although I don't think Griffin will cry, I nominate him for the Adam Morrison award for "most close-ups of a player's face after his team is bounced from the tourney a round earlier than he thought."

Finals

Sendek's Devils bow out to Carolina, who gets into the Final Four for something like the 356th time. Defense will be an issue for the Heels, and Seth Davis will make sure to point this out any time he gets a chance, breaking the record for the "Memphis free-throws" topic from a year ago.

WEST

Chattanooga over UConn! In the spread, that is. The Huskies barely win by about 20, then become my final chance to have the balls to pick a top seed to lose in the 2nd round. I can't do it. Even though Texas A&M almost did it to UCLA last year, I don't even see the Aggies beating a sneaky good team from BYU. Those mormons can shoot, man. If Steve Young could get on Ty Detmer's shoulders to post up against Hasheem Thabeet, maybe, but since they can't, he will wreck the Cougars down low.

It's very hard for me to pick against Northern Iowa, seeing as my buddy Delo is tight with their head coach. I mean, that's the closest thing I can get to a name drop in this whole bracket, other than how I got to interview every player for my alma mater's rival NDSU back in the day. The Panthers will keep it tight with their big ogre down low, Jordan Eglseder, but Purdue has been playing well lately with Robbie Hummel back, and because both Big Ten 5'ers can't lose in the first round.

Washington gets to play close to home against the SEC tourney champion. That still seems odd to me. The Huskies will take it, and also knock off Purdue. The gay guy in me would like to point out that Purdue and Washington will have clashing goldish-yellow colors on their jerseys, and the straight man in me would like to point out that that's why gay people usually don't like sports. If they did, Cuba would never be allowed to wear those wretched red pants in the World Baseball Classic. I'm done now.

Back to crazy Boise, where Marquette survives Utah State. I thought the Golden Eagles would stink something awful when Dominic James, their senior-freaking point guard, tore his ACL and ended his season. But, the Fighting D-Wades have kept every game close. Maybe that means they'll lose this game by a point too, but they've just shown too much heart for me to not pick them to advance at least once.

Missouri outsmarts Randy Wittman's kid and the rest of Cornell in the biggets clash of style in the tournament. Mizzou wants to run you out of the gym, Cornell wants to tie sweater's around their waists and invest their money. I like Mizzou on a basketball court, and I also think they wear out Marquette a round later.

My boys from Maryland take on California in a game that I can't pick objectively. I mean, it's the Terps, so I'm going to pick them. Plus, I haven't seen Cal play at all this year. Not once. I just kind of forgot about them. This could bite me in the ass later.

Memphis will pimp slap C-St.-N (Do you know what that stands for? Me neither) and then they'll also probably pimp slap my Terps. John Calipari is hard core; he thinks every game is a statement game, and he might be just a tad upset about not getting that top seed. Their style of play (stingy defense, quick scoring offense) is a great recipe for blowouts. I wonder if they could beat the Grizzlies right now?

Semifinals

Remember when UConn played Washington in 2006, and needed a buzzer beater to knock off Brandon Roy and the Huskies? Well, Brandon Roy doesn't play at Washington, so it won't be that close this time.

Memphis over Mizzou in a very fun to watch game. However, the Tigers force a lot of turnovers, and with a run and gun team, they'll force a lot more. Player to gain steam with national recognition and NBA Draft status at this point? Tyreke Evans. He's no Derrick Rose, and unfortunately he was compared to him often all year, but he's a standout player in a different way. He'll prove it this March.

Final

Memphis over UConn in a game that just has to happen. All the top seed talk, the Big East being all powerful versus Conference USA being a one-horse league, and Calipari against Calhoun. Seriously, can you think of two more pompous coaches going head-to-head? I can't, and I love it. I like Memphis, again, because of the defense, and because UConn has never been the same without Jerome Dyson. Their talent will carry them here, but no further.

FINAL FOUR

Semifinals

Memphis keeps it going by getting "revenge" over Kansas, even though the "revenge" won't put a "2008 National Champions" banner in their gym. In the past, I've hated Memphis because of the weak schedule, but the fact of the matter is, is that it just doesn't matter. Calipari knows how to teach his kids to go for the jugular - that's why they haven't stumbled in 61 straight Conference USA games. He expects perfection and nothing less. Next year, with two of the top four recruits in the country, they might be undefeated heading into the tournament, especially if Evans sticks around. You heard it here first.

Pittsburgh knocks off UNC, Tyler Hansbrough will cry, and his dad will hug him at midcourt in a moment that CBS will try to turn into the final scene of "Friday Night Lights." Hansbrough is a great college player, but there is no worse matchup for him than a big ol' bruiser down low. Cough, DeJuan Blair, cough. Levance Fields will have the game of his life, and he'll break the record for most fist-pumping-on-his-chest moves in one game.

Finals

Pittsburgh over Memphis. All season long I just haven't been able to get off the Panthers. They have so much going for them on the court that is obvious: they finally learned how to win big games on the road by slaying Calhoun's boys in Storrs, and they even have senior leaders in Sam Young, Levance Fields, and Tyrell Biggs. Who the hell has senior leadership anymore? Aside from that, they have the karma factor. Coach Jamie Dixon is one of the best and most underrated coaches in sports, and his sister's death from a couple years ago will provide the spiritual motivation. They even have Jermaine Dixon, Juan "Shining Moment" Dixon's cousin. You don't think they've been on the phone like 100 times in the past month? The Final Four is in Detroit, a blue-collar town much like Pittsburgh, where the Steelers even won the Super Bowl four years ago. It just all seems to make sense.

Which is why it has no chance of happening. You're welcome fellow participants of Al's Pool!

Get Down with the Sickness

March 7, 2009: I go to the Doctor

Me: Doc, I just haven't been myself lately. I've been going on spending sprees for team apparel of different colleges, like this Belmont shirt I have on, this Virginia Commonwealth hat, and these Morehead State boxers. When I drink something, I blow bubbles, and then argue with myself over which bubble is best, like they're little bubble teams. And I have this odd new habit of kissing the middle of the floor at my job, right on the Cartridge World logo, just before I leave. What's going on?

Dr. Lunardi: Well, son, I think you might have a case of March Madness.

Me: Good one Doc. What's really happening here?

Dr. Lunardi: I'm serious, I think you have March Madness. Do you fish?

Me: Yeah, I went last week, what does that have to do with it?

Dr. Lunardi: Well, did you cut off the net and hold it over your head afterwards?

Me: Yeah... How'd you know?

Dr. Lunardi: Now I'm sure it's March Madness. I bet you also framed your shirt from the time you scored 7 points in that pickup game last week.

Me: Yeah, I did. Is this also why I've started trying on glass slippers at the shoe store?

Dr. Lunardi: Probably.

Me: And why I tried drawing up a bracket for I Love Money 2?

Dr. Lunardi: I would imagine.

Me: And when I tug on the front of my shirt with pride after a successful trip to the bathroom?

Dr. Lunardi: That's a little odd, actually.

Me: Oh, sorry. Man, I always thought March Madness was just a saying, not a real disease.

Dr. Lunardi: Yeah, that's what people said about cooties until Paris Hilton came along.

Me: Really? So Gold Fever?

Dr. Lunardi: Flavor Flav.

Me: And explosive diarrhea?

Dr. Lunardi: That one was always real.

Me: Right. So how do I get over this March Madness?

Dr. Lunardi: There's no cure, only time can heal it. Until April to be exact.

Me: Should I avoid college basketball?

Dr. Lunardi: No, if anything watch more of it. Fill out the brackets, debate bubble teams, bet on games, just go ahead and get your fill before the season's over. Just avoid heavy doses of Digger Phelps.

Me: Thanks, Doc. Now, can we take a look at that prostate of mine?

Michael Vick's Movie Script

On July 20th of this summer, 3-time Pro Bowler and 2001 top pick Michael Vick will be released from federal prison. In all likelihood, Vick will make a return to the NFL, sit out one full season under Roger Goodell's "Don't be a punk-ass like Pacman Jones" policy, and then become a starting quarterback in a league that features Tavaris Jackson, Kerry Collins, and Jake Delhomme as starters for playoff teams. The obvious choice for Vick is the Minnesota Vikings. Seriously, they're hoping they can get a Super Bowl out of a quarterback battle between Sage Rosenfels and the aforementioned T-Jack. Vick's comeback will be well documented, and then poorly portrayed in a movie. I see it going something like this.

The Comeback

What will actually happen: Vick signs with the Vikings and receives modest backlash from fans and other players. During his season in which he sits out, he declines most interviews. He makes an exception for ESPN's Michael Smith, but reveals very little about his time in the joint, any dog fighting details, and his year-long suspension.

In the movie: Vick (played by Ludacris) signs with the Vikings, even though owner Zygi Wilf (played by Mario Cart's "Wario") is totally against it. The only reason he goes along with it is because Brad Childress (played by "Kevin" from The Office) fights for him, constantly saying "I believe in him," while violins play as background music. Even Vick wonders if the comeback is worth it: he's receiving death threats, his heart isn't into it, and worst of all, he continues to have flashbacks the dog fight. We find out in the film that Michael allowed his younger brother Marcus (played by "Chance" from A Real Chance at Love) to live with him after his own NFL career dwindled. Marcus was having dog fights in his brother's backyard, and with Michael gone all the time at workouts and charity events, he had no clue what was going on. One night, Michael comes home to find a make-shift stadium in his backyard, with a championship fight between a two dogs ("Eddie" from Frasier vs. "Baxter" from Anchorman). He is shocked at the sight, and as Marcus hangs his head in shame, the police arrive. Michael takes the fall, bringing us back to the present day. He interviews with ESPN's Michael Smith (played by Stuart Scott), who knows that Marcus was behind the whole fighting ring. However, Vick refuses to throw his brother under the bus, and during the interview, he discovers the only way to win back his good name is to win - on the field. This brings us to training camp.

Training Camp

What will actually happen: Vick arrives in Mankato to the tune of a dozen protesters, but his teammates are fairly welcoming. By Week 2 of the preseason, he is named the starter.

In the movie: Vick arrives in Mankato (played by Canada) and needs a police escort to get through the sea of protesters. They're nothing compared to his teammates. No one will talk to him, especially star runningback Adrian Peterson (played by a constantly shirtless Will Smith). Peterson pleads for a trade, saying either Vick goes, or he goes. During practice, he fumbles every handoff on purpose. They come to blows in practice nearly every day, and Vick begins to crumble under the pressure. His performances in preseason games are subpar, and Brad Childress begins to wonder if he made a mistake with Vick. He talks it over with his wife (Scarlett Johansson) and daughter (Miley Cyrus) who tell him to just believe in him. Childress takes their advice, sits down with Vick, and says, "I believe in you," while violins play in the background. Then he sits down with Peterson, and says "Just believe in him," while violins play in the background. Peterson agrees to play alongside Vick, but his skepticism still lingers as the season opener nears.

The Season Begins

What will actually happen: The Vikings start off 2-2, but beat the Lions 26-14 in Week 5. Vick throws for 7 touchdowns, rushes for 2 more, and has 5 interceptions on the season. Morale is average; players say it's a long season, and that they are ready to start a win streak.

In the movie: The Vikings lose their first 4 games in a montage (to the tune "Dead and Gone" by T.I. and Justin Timberlake) where we see Vick get intercepted 18 times, brutally hit 73 times, and throwing his helmet to the ground in slow motion 4 times. The montage also shows Peterson shaking his head in disgust, while Childress looks on with a blank stare. Before Game 5, Jared Allen (played by WWE's John Cena) and Pat Williams (played by Rueben Studdard) tell Vick, "If you blow this game, we'll take you out," while violins play in the background. The Vikings trail the Lions 20-7 with :22 left and the ball at their 34 yard line. On a designed hail mary, Vick takes off on his own. He breaks 9 tackles, with 4 spin moves, 3 stiff arms, and 2 shake and bake moves, on his way to the end zone. 7 seconds are left, Vikings trail 20-14. Vick pleads Childress to get into the game for the onside kick. Childress says no way, until Vick says "Believe in me." Violins play in the background, as Childress sends him onto the field. On the kick, the ball hits an opponent, who is instantly pulverized by Vick. Adrian Peterson recovers, then nods at Vick. One second is left, with 45 yards to go. Once again, Vick scrambles, breaking tackles and racing away from defenders all the way down to the 3 yard line, where he is nearly pushed out of bounds. Just before his feet touch the white, he laterals to Peterson, who dives over 5 defenders into the end zone. Though we do not see an extra point kick, the Vikings win 21-20, as Peterson and Vick embrace with violins playing in the background.

The winning streak

What will actually happen: The Vikings win 6 straight games, and finish the season 11-5. They win the division and get the 3rd seed in the NFC playoffs. Vick's final stats: 21 TD passes, 7 rushing TD's, 12 INT. He gets mentioned in MVP talk, but is a long shot.

In the movie: The Vikings do not lose again in the regular season, winning each game convincingly in another montage (to the tune of "Let it Rock" by Kevin Rudolf and Lil' Wayne). We see Vick and Peterson alternating touchdowns, approximately 73 in all, hugging after each one. The Vikings head to the playoffs as heavy favorites in the NFC, but Tom Brady (played by Ryan Seacrest) and the undefeated New England Patriots look like an unstoppable force in the AFC.

The playoffs

What will actually happen: The Vikings beat the Redskins in the first round, but lose in Atlanta to the Falcons in the second round 20-10. Vick plays well in both games, but untimely fumbles by Bobby Wade and Naufahu Tahi cost them on two scoring drives.

In the movie: The Vikings storm through their first two games in the playoffs, then go to Atlanta where Vick is booed beyond belief. Fans are burning his old Falcons jerseys while they build shrines to their new quarterback Matt Ryan (played by Zac Efron from "High School Musical"). Once again, the Vikings trail with time fading. Down 45-42 with 4 seconds left and 87 yards to go, Vick passes to Peterson, who breaks three tackles, then laterals back to Vick, who shakes four defenders, then laterals to Artis Hicks (played by "Quincy" from Old School), who is tackled at the goal line in a giant pile. It takes the refs 5 minutes to separate the pile, while Vick looks on anxiously, Childress looks on with a blank stare, and violins play in the background. Touchdown is signaled, and the Vikings head to the Super Bowl. In the week leading up to the game, Marcus Vick vindicates his brother by telling all reporters on Media Day that he was in fact responsible for the dog fights. Michael Smith nods in the crowd, as Marcus and his older brother, Michael, embrace. All is forgiven. We move ahead to the game, where the Vikings trail again, 28-23. Tom Brady has just thrown the go-ahead touchdown, and just made a throat-slashing gesture to Vick, who is the only one to see it. Using this as motivation, he tries to drive the Vikings 80 yards in 19 seconds. In the final play, Vick scrambles around the defense, and dives for the pylon in slow motion as we see cut-aways of Adrian Peterson looking excited, Tom Brady looking confident, and Brad Childress with a blank expression on his face as violins play in the background. We cut back to Vick, who is now on the ground, the ball just an inch shy of the end zone as the Patriots storm the field. As Vick sits in disappointment, Peterson cheers him up by saying, "Hey man, I believe in you." They hug, and Vick walks off with pride to a slow clap led by Tom Brady. The movie then fades to black as violins play in the background.

The movie is set to hit theaters in the summer of 2011. Stay tuned for the sequel in 2012.

Michael Phelps plays his (bong) hits

It's been two weeks since the photo of Michael Phelps taking a bong hit surfaced. Since then, the South Carolina police department has been working on a case to charge Phelps with possession. Phelps has decided to admit to his wrong-doings, and released a journal of his pot-smoking days.

October 25, 2004 - Party at Backstroke Bob's house tonight - things got a little crazy. After three Jag-bombs and five Smithwick's, somebody busted out a bong. Whatever, the Olympics are over, so I gave it a shot. Didn't really feel anything, so I don't know if I'll do it again.

November 15, 2004 - Had a couple buddies over tonight to watch Harold and Kumar. Speedo Steve brought some weed, so I tried it again. This time, I think I might of gotten high. It was like my facial hair was talking to me, like each hair had a little tiny face, and was screaming "Lectric Shave!!" So, I shaved off my goatee last night. Bro, that thing took like three months to grow in that full.

November 27, 2004 - Decided to buy some weed to have on my own tonight, you know, just to kick back and relax. Bad idea. This time it hit me way harder. Checked my phone this morning and saw that I called Katie Couric, Paris Hilton, and the three chicks from "Girls Next Door." Man, I hope I didn't ask any of them out again.

January 14, 2005 - Cereal has become my favoritist munchie, so I signed an endorsement deal with Kellogg's. Sure hope they don't find out I'm on the grass, that advertising dude seemed like the type who would flip on a dude for smoking the reefer dude.

April 23, 2005 - Thinking about taking a little break from the ganja. I had the biggest craving ever for Frosted Flakes last night, and called every guy named Tony that I knew to see if he was the Tiger. Those dudes were totally pissed, bro, they need to just chillax.

August 25, 2005 - Note to self - don't get high before watching tennis. I switched spots with one of those ball boys at the US Open so I could get a better look at Maria Sharapova, but then I tried to cop a feel when I ran by. Luckily everyone thinks I'm just clumsy outside of the pool. I can roll with that.

December 12, 2005 - Neil Patrick Harris is THE MAN!!!

February 1, 2006 - Filmed a commercial with Snoop Dogg, and woke up this morning in a Taco Bell bathroom.

March 13, 2006 - Filled out a celebrity March Madness bracket with ESPN after toking up and put 11-seed George Mason in the Final Four. He sounds like a chill dude.

July 4, 2006 - Spent $27,000 on bottle rockets. Used my joint to light them all off.

September 3, 2006 - How has Afroman not won a Grammy yet?

November 18, 2006 - I've been travelling around the states for the past few weeks to watch the leaves turn colors. I just think it's SOO COOL.

December 25, 2006 - I wonder if Santa Claus ever thought about trading in his reindeer for a bitchin' rocket pack.

April 3, 2007 - Chopsticks on the piano is a lot harder than people give it credit for.

May 56, 2007 - I like the month of May so much, I think it deserves more days.

October 15, 2007 - Can't decide who to be for Halloween - Kelso from That 70's Show or the old Syracuse Orangeman mascot. I love oranges.

January 1, 2008 - My New Year's resolution is to give up weed... after this year.

March 2, 2008 - The Olympics are about 6 months away, and I'm so stoked that they're in Beijing. I really hope I get to meet Jackie Chan.

May 5, 2008 - I've been looking at my medals from the 2004 games, and decided that gold is way more fun to make funny faces into than the other medals. Maybe I should try to get, like, eight of them in Beijing.

August 8, 2008 - At Beijing for the Olympics. Smoked a bowl with Andrea Kremer and promised to do an interview with her after every single race that I do. I've also decided that it looks fricken sweet to flap my arms across my chest while I'm at the starting blocks.

August 16, 2008 - Won all eight golds at the games, meaning I got more bling that Flavor Flav. Dude.

September 3, 2008 - Went to like eleventy billion interviews in the past few days, but at least the Bill and Ted movies have been on HBO.

November 17, 2008 - Partied it up in South Carolina tonight. Some dude got a picture of me while I was taking a hit off some Billy Bong Thornton. He seemed chill, though, so I don't think it's a big deal.

Just so long as no one ever finds my journal.

Budget Cut Time

With the economy in absolute shambles, companies everywhere are doing everything they can to survive. It's no different in the sports world, as people have begun dropping their season tickets as a way to cut back. In order to win them back, teams are trying to give fans more bang for their buck. Whether it is through promotions, or cuts of their own, every team is doing their part.

-While the New York Knicks continue to clear out cap space to pursue LeBron in 2010, they've started getting the fans more involved to ease the wait. They've decided to revert back to the 1996 blockbuster hit Eddie. Instead of allowing a fan to coach the team, like what Whoopi Goldberg did in the movie, they're asking fans to disguise themselves as Stephon Marbury and complain about their $20 million contracts.

-Many teams are spending less money on a singer for the National Anthem. As a result, Tatiana Del Toro from American Idol has agreed to sing all 41 home games for the Clippers, Nets, Timberwolves, Heat, and Rockets. However, her contract might be cut short because she keeps adding words.

-The Philadelphia 76ers made some changes to the cheerleading staff by adding the girls from VH1's Rock of Love Bus. Unfortunately, the crowds have swayed from family oriented groups to thirty-something bald men, half of whom have been interviewed by MSNBC's Chris Hanson.

-Not wanting to cut their payroll at all, the New York Yankees have stopped buying steroids for A-Rod. He has to buy them on his own now. Just kidding. They'll still buy the juice for him.

-After seeing ticket sales drop due to poor quarterback play, the Minnesota Vikings addressed the problem by signing a pair of quarterbacks to duel for the starter spot. Jamie Foxx and Keanu Reeves will start battling it out in OTA's this spring.

-The Detroit Lions made a similar move, but saved money by signing a two-way player. Adam Sandler will quarterback under the name Paul Crewe, and will start at linebacker as Bobby Boucher.

-With prize money down this year, golfer Boo Weekley picked up more sponsors. They include biscuits, gravy, and Larry the Cable Guy.

-NASCAR is doing their part by making races shorter. While the mileage will be unchanged, drivers will have to be completely drunk before competing.

-Due to the high cost of maintaining the ivy at Wrigley Field, the Chicago Cubs will now line their outfield fence with recycled corks from Sammy Sosa's bats.

-The most successful campaign has come from the Dallas Cowboys, who are promoting their upcoming season with a Debbie Does Dallas theme. So far, it's been a complete money shot.

Inappropriate? Maybe, but people are coming.

This is not Carson Daly's idea

For years, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays dwelled as the laughing stock of the American League East. In their first year after dropping the "Devil" from their name, they suddenly won 97 games and marched all the way to the World Series. Three months later, the Arizona Cardinals dropped decades of suck and made a Super Bowl run after moving from "Scum" Devil Stadium into their sparkling new University of Phoenix Stadium. Is it merely a coincidence these two historically bad programs suddenly found success? Or is it karma? Other professional teams seem to think its the latter, and they're making a few changes of their own.

-Even though they had already changed their name from the Washington Bullets, the Washington Wizards thought that perhaps the "Wizard" name promoted some sort of demonic magic. To solve this problem, and to avoid having to change their name again, they will now be known as the Washington 23ers. It's to remind people that Michael Jordan played there. Remember? No really, he did, from 2001-2003. Oh, you tried to block that out of your memory? That's unfortunate. Lets hope it sticks.

-Across town, the Washington Redskins finally gave up their racial-slur mascot. On opening day of 2009, they'll be the Washington It-Doesn't-Matter-if-You're-Black-White-Blue-Brown-Green-or-Red-Skins.

-Tredding down the same path, both the Cleveland Indians and Atlanta Braves put down the tomahawks and found more current ways to celebrate the Native American people. If there is a repeat of the 1995 World Series, the Cleveland Card Dealers will face the Atlanta Slots.

-The Oakland Raiders took the Cardinals approach of rewarding fans with a new stadium. Unlike the University of Phoenix Stadium, which rolls natural grass from outside the stadium back into the stadium for game time, the Raiders will roll in an entirely new team.

-With a new stadium already on the way, Jerry Jones thought he could reward his Dallas Cowboy fans even more by signing whoever Tony Romo is dating at the time to sing the national anthem before each game. In a bikini. Between each possession.

-Despite three Stanley Cups in the past fifteen years, the New Jersey Devils followed the Devil Rays example as literally as possible. The New Jersey ...s will now be the team everyone at the Prudential Center pulls for.

-Fearing their name might be too specific to one man upstairs, the New Orleans Saints are now the New Orleans Forgive-Us-Our-Sins.

-The Angels kept their name, but stopped with all of the Anaheim/Los Angeles squabbling and settled on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in Orange County with surrounding communities of Santa Ana, Huntington, and Long Beach, all located in California.

-To reward their fans, the Los Angeles Clippers played hard for a game. Okay, that never happened.

-A few individual sport athletes are starting to respect karma as well. Michael Phelps decided to connect on a personal level with his fans. Unfortunately for him, many swimming fans are potheads. South Carolina is still undecided on pressing criminal charges.

-Knowing there was no changing Wrigley Field or their long standing name, the Chicago Cubs will just call their one hundred year curse a one hundred year coincidence.

-The Detroit Lions have ignored all signs, and will go on with business as usual.

Much like the Good Lord, you can't make everyone a believer.