Remember back in the 90's when we could actually predict the NFL? We knew the Cowboys would be good, or the 49ers would be good, and one of them would romp over an AFC team in the Super Bowl. It was as predictable as a 90's sitcom; a few jokes, a problem, a talking-to from Bob Saget, and ultimately, everything was resolved in 30 minutes. In order to predict the 2009 NFL season, I'm going to use the 1990's sitcom template of predictability, because even the parody of the NFL can't match a Tim "the Tool Man" talk with Wilson.
Boy Meets World
Remember when the show first started and Topanga was a total geek, then she blossomed into a hottie that Cory fell in love with? Kind of reminds me of Aaron Rodgers with Packer fans. He'll have another good season, kind of like how Topanga went from a B to a C cup, but the Green Bay Packers still won't make the 7:00 spot on the TGIF lineup (or the playoffs).
Cory's best friend was Shawn, a good looking kid from a poor family. The San Francisco 49ers are still a proud franchise, just a little poor right now with no stars, and no playoffs.
As for Cory's brother, Eric, he just always seemed to be a bit of a screw-up. Every once in a while, he'd get things right, like when he worked the mall Santa Claus bit and gave away presents to a bunch of poor kids, but then he'd retract straight back to stupid. Sounds to me like he's the Arizona Cardinals fresh off a Super Bowl run, who then goes back to feuding with his best players and finishing below 500.
Wings
I don't remember much about this show, other than how they spent a solid two seasons dealing with a name change between two pilots to try to get ahead financially. Sort of like Chad Johnson morphing into Chad Ochocinco. The show sucked, so will the Cincinnati Bengals.
Suddenly Susan
Speaking of crappy shows, remember when Brooke Sheilds couldn't even get a sitcom off the ground during NBC's hey day? Sorry, Terrell Owens, but your bright shining star with the Buffalo Bills will fade out a lot like Brooke's did. Just don't go and marry Andre Agassi.
Hanging with Mr. Cooper
A good show during a tough stretch of TGIF. The Houston Texans have a good team in a tough division, but I think this is the year they finally sign a 10-day contract with the Golden State Warriors, I mean, make the playoffs.
Full House
Although this show was one of the biggest on TV at one point, they never tackled any issue bigger than Stephanie feeling left out as the middle child. Sure, we learned that the middle child can be like the cream in the Oreo, but I wanted to see if D.J. and Steve would go all the way by their junior year of high school. They made out with each other like their lips were covered in delicious powdered sugar, and the Carolina Panthers seem to be paper contenders every year, but it looks like this year, they get about as far as Steve did. Maybe a boob grab, but definitely no playoffs.
Uncle Jesse was always the coolest guy on the show, kind of like how the Dallas Cowboys are America's Team. The year he jump-started the Smash Club, he also had twin boys with the morning anchor of Wake Up San Francisco. Looks like the Cowboys win the NFC East with their new stadium.
Roseanne
A dysfunctional family that was devoid of anyone good looking and was often times painful to watch. Ladies and gentlemen, the Oakland Raiders!
Friends
The most over-played story line in TV history was the on again, off again relationship between Ross and Rachel. Vince Young will play the role of Ross, with the Tennessee Titans being Rachel, and Kerry Collins being Ross' ex-wife who is rarely seen. They never got married, meaning Vinsanity won't bring the Titans to the playoffs.
Joey always had a way of getting ahead despite his limited mental capacity. Also, Matt Ryan looks like a guy who would say, "How you doin'?" to Atlanta's finest cougars. The Atlanta Falcons land a supporting role on a soap opera, but exit in the first round of the playoffs.
Jennifer Aniston is still a star despite the show being over for years and her having about as many good movies as I do. People still pick her as one of the most beautiful women in the world, almost by default, the way people like to pick the Seattle Seahawks. Sorry, Jen, I've moved on. Hopefully Bradley Cooper will give you another chance, but the Sea-chickens miss the playoffs again.
Sister, Sister
Tia and Tamara always fought to be the lead role in this show. Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson anyone? 5 wins for the Cleveland Browns, and 5 more Lifetime movie roles for the guy who played Ray.
Frasier
Niles secretly chased after Daphne for all those years, then he finally got her and shocked us all. After the chase was over, there was nothing else to really talk about. Eli Manning did the same thing with a Super Bowl win, but and 8-8 season and an average team gives New York Giants fans very little to brag about.
Frasier's dad Martin owned an ugly green chair that was the eye-sore of Frasier's beautiful downtown Seattle apartment. Looks a lot like the quarterbacks for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. A whole lot of duct tape on crappy chair in the middle of a talented team keeps the Bucs out of the playoffs.
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch
Everyone knows the Pittsburgh Steelers have another team primed for a Super Bowl run, but breaking them down make a guy think they used witch craft. James Harrison, their best player and reigning Defensive P.O.Y., had to get here through the NFL Europe. Big Ben was in a life-threatening motorcycle accident that he sandwiched with two Super Bowl wins. Omar Epps is their coach. Sabrina gets Harvey to take her to the prom/playoffs again, but they don't go all the way.
Family Matters
This show rolled along as one of America's favorites until Jaleel White didn't want to be known as just Steve Urkel anymore. Stephon's character was born, and it was an unnecessary addition to a successful squad. Yes, that means you, Michael Vick, with the Philadelphia Eagles. He takes them from a Superbowl contender to a first round exit. Did I do that?
Remember when Eddie almost moved out of the house over a fight with Carl about a screwdriver? I think Mark Sanchez has one of those moments this year as the New York Jets miss the playoffs.
Meet Hanson
Don't you remember this show? MMMBop? Yeah, it was about as terrible and forgettable as the Detroit Lions will be this year.
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Carlton's jealousy of Will often times boiled over, like when he stole the ball from his cousin during the big basketball game so he could take, and miss, the final shot. Reminds me a lot of Josh McDaniels trying to be too much like Bill Belichek and tearing apart a halfways decent Denver Broncos team. They might even approach Meet Hanson territory this year.
All Hillary ever cared about was what she could buy, whether she needed it or not. Money was no object, was it Hillary 'Daniel Snyder' Banks? Albert Haynesworth stops trying now that he got paid, and the Washington Redskins playoff hopes fall like Hil's boyfriend Trevor during his bungee-jump.
After a few years, Vivian was replaced by another actress, but there was no real change. Tony Dungy is out with the Indianapolis Colts, but everything will run like he's still there. Another division title, but no Superbowl.
Coach
Hayden Frye leaves the college power Minnesota State Screaming Eagles for the professional expansion Orlando Breakers, with little to no success. Welcome to the Kansas City Chiefs, Matt Cassel.
Seinfeld
When George started doing the exact opposite of his instincts, he got hired by the Yankees and hopped into bed with a pretty girl. The St. Louis Rams have stopped trying to replicate the Greatest Show on Turf, and are now focusing on a strong offensive line and running game. They hop into bed with the NFC West title this year.
Poor Jerry couldn't remember his name's date, so he took a shot in the dark and called her Mulva. The Jacksonville Jaguars don't have three players an average fan could name. Maybe one of them is named Mulva. No soup for you, Jags.
The show, as a whole, was on top during the 90's, whether people liked to admit it or not. Just like the New England Patriots, who have owned this decade, and will win their division again this season. SERENITY NOW!!!
Blossom
Phillip Rivers looks like he would say "Whoa!" after signing his big new contract. Blossom also used to fantasize about receiving advice from celebrities. The San Diego Chargers will fantasize about a Superbowl, but fall short after winning the awful AFC West again.
Step-by-Step
Any time Frank looks like he was going to get a piece of Carol, one of their six children would come stomping into their bedroom. Poor Frank's balls must have been bluer than Paul Bunyan's ox, Babe. Yes, I'm talking about the Minnesota Vikings. Brett Favre might as well be Suzanne Somers, is hot beyond her years, but Frank, aka Viking fans, will never get any from her. A division title, but no Superbowl.
Remember how Dana was a raving bitch on the show? Well, that's Jay Cutler. He's a bitch. So the Chicago Bears don't make the playoffs. I hated Dana. They should have had more episodes about Al, especially after she got hot.
Home Improvement
Remember the episode where Brad gets a ponytail and everyone freaks out about it? Then they make peace with it, and we see him wear a ponytail for like one more episode. Sounds like the Miami Dolphins, who will return to the pack this year.
Tim "the Tool Man" suffered many explosions on Tool Time, and probably would have suffered a lot more had it not been for his sidekick Al. Sounds like Reggie Bush, who would probably be out of the NFL if it weren't for Drew Brees bailing him out with 7 to 8 swing passes every game, giving him some value. The New Orleans Saints with the NFC South this year. I do think so, Tim.
Every episode revolved around Tim's talk with Wilson. He solved every problem the Taylor family ever had, so naturally, Wilson Wilson will be the key to this year's NFL Champion. I think the Baltimore Ravens step up to the fence, talk out their problems, and win Superbowl XLIV over Dallas, who gets there just because I'm still in a 90's mood.
If you'll excuse me now, I have to check and see if the Olsen twins ever answered any of my fan mail.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Love for the Local Celebrity
The population of Santa Claus, Indiana, reaches just over 2000 people, and you can bet each one has a story of their home-grown hero Jay Cutler. It's even more likely that all 153 residents of Sykeston, North Dakota, have their own tale of how they helped groom Travis Hafner into a baseball star. My home town of Windom, Minnesota, is hoping to join this list with our newest idol.
Pitcher Mike Nesseth, son of Larry and Deb who raised him in the corn fields of southwest Minnesota, was drafted in the 15th round of the 2009 Major League Baseball draft by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. He may return for another season at the University of Nebraska to improve his draft status for next year (I could make a few calls, but this is a blog and I'm not a real reporter anymore, so deal with it) but the fact of the matter is, Windom is ready to ride his coat-tails.
For example, just a few weeks ago, my buddy Hunter was looking at the Cottonwood County Citizen sports page, which has a 5 Years Ago This Week paragraph. He was proud to see that the paragraph revisited a Windom Eagles varsity baseball game in which Nesseth started, but Hunter came in to record the win. He joked about cutting it out, getting it laminated, and putting it on a plaque for the day Nesseth makes it to The Show. Since I've never been one to turn down a good pissing match, I'm thinking of stories that can top that, with their corresponding asterik.
-Nesseth was on my 4-H fast pitch team, but I was our starting pitcher for every game. He was cast off to the outfield.*
*Just because it was underhand fast pitch doesn't make it any less of an accomplishment.
-Nesseth was a great all-around athlete, but he still couldn't start over me at tight end on the football team.*
*So what if I was a senior and he was a sophomore who still started at cornerback and weighed only 135 lbs soaking wet?
-Nesseth was on the basketball team with me, and even though he was pretty good, my career high outscored him.*
*For that one game. He's second all-time on the Windom basketball career scoring list. But we really needed that win against Sioux Valley - Round Lake - Brewster!
-I burned Nesseth for a home run once.
*It was in T-ball, he was playing in left and I hit it to right. Just details, baby!
In all seriousness, I hope the day comes when Nesseth reaches the majors and me and all my dumb friends can tell these stories. We never really hung out away from school or sports, and I don't think I've seen him since he graduated high school. However, I do know that he was a fun kid to play ball with who always seemed to have a pretty good attitude, sense of humor, and level head (to any Windom people who are reading this, the answer is no, I'm not going to follow that up with a joke about a field approach).
The best part of this story is the fact that I even got to play ball with Nesseth. I wasn't in baseball, but we were on the same football and basketball teams. In this age of sports specialization, where kids get groomed for their best sport by the time they're 5 years old, it was nice to see him play, and excel, in all 3 sports. It could have been very easy for Larry and Deb to encourage him to quit everything else when he was the ace of the baseball staff as a sophomore with college letters flooding him. Instead, he was allowed to have fun with a balance of sports, and the University of Nebraska was allowed to train him to become a star pitcher the right way.
But if anyone asks, I taught him everything he knows.
Pitcher Mike Nesseth, son of Larry and Deb who raised him in the corn fields of southwest Minnesota, was drafted in the 15th round of the 2009 Major League Baseball draft by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. He may return for another season at the University of Nebraska to improve his draft status for next year (I could make a few calls, but this is a blog and I'm not a real reporter anymore, so deal with it) but the fact of the matter is, Windom is ready to ride his coat-tails.
For example, just a few weeks ago, my buddy Hunter was looking at the Cottonwood County Citizen sports page, which has a 5 Years Ago This Week paragraph. He was proud to see that the paragraph revisited a Windom Eagles varsity baseball game in which Nesseth started, but Hunter came in to record the win. He joked about cutting it out, getting it laminated, and putting it on a plaque for the day Nesseth makes it to The Show. Since I've never been one to turn down a good pissing match, I'm thinking of stories that can top that, with their corresponding asterik.
-Nesseth was on my 4-H fast pitch team, but I was our starting pitcher for every game. He was cast off to the outfield.*
*Just because it was underhand fast pitch doesn't make it any less of an accomplishment.
-Nesseth was a great all-around athlete, but he still couldn't start over me at tight end on the football team.*
*So what if I was a senior and he was a sophomore who still started at cornerback and weighed only 135 lbs soaking wet?
-Nesseth was on the basketball team with me, and even though he was pretty good, my career high outscored him.*
*For that one game. He's second all-time on the Windom basketball career scoring list. But we really needed that win against Sioux Valley - Round Lake - Brewster!
-I burned Nesseth for a home run once.
*It was in T-ball, he was playing in left and I hit it to right. Just details, baby!
In all seriousness, I hope the day comes when Nesseth reaches the majors and me and all my dumb friends can tell these stories. We never really hung out away from school or sports, and I don't think I've seen him since he graduated high school. However, I do know that he was a fun kid to play ball with who always seemed to have a pretty good attitude, sense of humor, and level head (to any Windom people who are reading this, the answer is no, I'm not going to follow that up with a joke about a field approach).
The best part of this story is the fact that I even got to play ball with Nesseth. I wasn't in baseball, but we were on the same football and basketball teams. In this age of sports specialization, where kids get groomed for their best sport by the time they're 5 years old, it was nice to see him play, and excel, in all 3 sports. It could have been very easy for Larry and Deb to encourage him to quit everything else when he was the ace of the baseball staff as a sophomore with college letters flooding him. Instead, he was allowed to have fun with a balance of sports, and the University of Nebraska was allowed to train him to become a star pitcher the right way.
But if anyone asks, I taught him everything he knows.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Do the Helen Keller, and putt with your hips
By now, we've all heard the song by 3Oh!3 that tells us all to avoid trusting hoes and dance as Helen Keller would speak. For whatever reason, radio stations nation-wide have edited the word "ho" from the course, yet they leave in that whole "Do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips" chant. Call me crazy, but it's hard to determine which is more offensive. Personally, I love all of it, so we'll leave it up to each individual radio station's consent as to which of these instructionals are appropriate.
- Do the Travis Henry, and make thirteen kids.
- Do the Tonya Harding, and talk with your whipping stick.
- Do the Kobe Bryant, and cheat on your wife.
- Do the Boof Bonser, and gain 30 pounds.
- Do the Ron Artest, and beat up some fans.
- Do the Erin Andrews, and look really hot.
- Do the Michael Phelps, and swim with your hash.
- Do the Plaxico Burress, and shoot yourself in the hip.
- Do the Joe Mauer, and just rule at life.
- Do the Lance Armstrong, and win with one nut.
- Do the O.J. Simpson, and take back your shizz.
- Do the Marko Jaric, and impregnate a model.
- Do the Ricky Rubio, and stay in home country.
- Do the Tony Romo, and score a fat chick.
- Do the Robert Flores, and suck at your job.
- Do the Brett Favre, and MAKE UP YOUR MIND, DAMMIT!
- Do the Mark Prior, and never go pitch.
- Do the Blake Griffin, and be doomed to the Clips.
- Do the Pete Rose, and lie for 26 years.
Don't trust a slugger, never trust a slugger, don't trust a slugger, don't trust MLB.
- Do the Travis Henry, and make thirteen kids.
- Do the Tonya Harding, and talk with your whipping stick.
- Do the Kobe Bryant, and cheat on your wife.
- Do the Boof Bonser, and gain 30 pounds.
- Do the Ron Artest, and beat up some fans.
- Do the Erin Andrews, and look really hot.
- Do the Michael Phelps, and swim with your hash.
- Do the Plaxico Burress, and shoot yourself in the hip.
- Do the Joe Mauer, and just rule at life.
- Do the Lance Armstrong, and win with one nut.
- Do the Pittsburgh Pirates, and trade your whole team.
- Do the O.J. Simpson, and take back your shizz.
- Do the Marko Jaric, and impregnate a model.
- Do the Ricky Rubio, and stay in home country.
- Do the Tony Romo, and score a fat chick.
- Do the Robert Flores, and suck at your job.
- Do the Brett Favre, and MAKE UP YOUR MIND, DAMMIT!
- Do the Mark Prior, and never go pitch.
- Do the Blake Griffin, and be doomed to the Clips.
- Do the Pete Rose, and lie for 26 years.
Don't trust a slugger, never trust a slugger, don't trust a slugger, don't trust MLB.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
All-Tool Team
In sports, we like to name our MVP's, our All-Stars, and our Hall-of-Famers. On this blog, we like to call out our D-Bags. There was a time when athletes were tough, talked to the media only when they were forced to, and disappeared to a 200 acre ranch upon retirement. Now, after they battle each other on the field, they battle each other for their own reality show. The top ten! (Although there always seems to be room for more.)
10. Hank Baskett - On the surface, a #4 wideout for the Philadelphia Eagles knocking up a Playboy centerfold would deserve props. But Hank fell for Kendra, the girl next door with a 
laugh that's as big as her tata's. I can almost hear it just from the picture. Making matters worse, she got a reality show that is coupled in the same hour as Denise Richards and her tough life. Now, if they combined the two shows and hired the director from Wild Things, Hank would be at the top of my "Luckiest S.O.B.'s EVER!!!" list. We'll see how it plays out.
laugh that's as big as her tata's. I can almost hear it just from the picture. Making matters worse, she got a reality show that is coupled in the same hour as Denise Richards and her tough life. Now, if they combined the two shows and hired the director from Wild Things, Hank would be at the top of my "Luckiest S.O.B.'s EVER!!!" list. We'll see how it plays out.9. Sean Avery - Not only is Avery an annoying pest on the ice, but he is also an annoying pest to any hard working tailor. Avery is an avid fan of fashion shows, and lately he's been participating in them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fgcLiLtm_o (while dragging in some old teammates as well). However, he did hold a ten second press conference to talk about his sloppy seconds, so we won't put him too high on this list just yet.
8. Kobe Bryant - I dare you to watch ten minutes of Spike Lee's Doin' Work without puking. "No, really, I'm just misunderstood, I love my teammates! What's up Sasha Vujajucudcic? Still got that long hair? Cool man, cuz we talk about that all the time and other stuff, too, cuz I love my teammates. Promise not to scowl and yell at you later on the court, dude!"
7. Ozzie Guillen - It's just a game. In fact, it's a game you get to play 162 times a year. SETTLE DOWN!!!
6. Roger Clemens - I wonder if Rocket will "mis-remember" the time he's about to spend in jail being known as "Red Rocket."
5. Joe Buck - His new show on HBO will be the gateway from calling the Super Bowl and World Series to co-hosting Entertainment Tonight. When Kendra and Denise, God willing, combine their shows, I hope it is preceded by Joe Buck reuniting with Tim McCarver to follow people in their everyday jobs and point out their obvious tasks.
"It looks like Amy's going to have to open the cash register, Tim."
"I tell you what, Joe, if she wants to give change to that customer, she's just going to have to open up that cash register. I don't see any way around it."
"And it's open, she's reaching for the change, and oh, she fumbles the nickel."
"Any kids that are watching at home, let that be a lesson, take your time when handling money out of a cash register. She's definitely going to hear from the manager about that one..."
4. Brett Favre - GO AWAY!!!!!!!!
3. Alex Rodriguez - Between the steroids, the lie-filled interviews, the Madonna affair, the picture of him making out with himself, and the inability to win a ring, A-Rod has become a true role model... for tool sheds.
2. Reggie Bush - Fast as lightning, but he's too much of a girly-man to run between the tackles. Maybe he's not the next Gale Sayers, but at least he gets to date Kim Kardashian
... and her crazy ass family... and their show on E! Yikes. He does, however, earn bonus points for doing commercials with Jared from Subway.
... and her crazy ass family... and their show on E! Yikes. He does, however, earn bonus points for doing commercials with Jared from Subway.1. Tony Romo - Was there any doubt? Jessica Simpson is America's punch line right now. As Sean Avery would say, Romo is enjoying a Backstreet Boy's sloppy seconds. And although that's not actually her, I discovered the photoshop website http://www.worth1000.com/ after I peed myself viewing this photo. It wouldn't be so bad if Romo would have just stuck around long enough to describe her breasts to his teammates, but they're going on a couple years now. The Cowboys also happen to be going on a few years of zero playoffs wins. On the plus side, and I mean that as no joke towards Jessica's weight gain (wait, yes I do), Tony and Jessica are ready to be the focal point of MTV's Newlyweds 2.
Surely, that will cement Tony's status as a Tool-Hall-of-Famer.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
2010 Viking QB Options
Now that Brett Favre and the Vikings appear to be headed toward an unthinkable marriage, Minnesota fans are feeling better about their quarterback situation. Unfortunately, this also means the Vikings are signing a guy who has pondered retirement after every season since 1964 (actual time-line might vary). It's left the staff looking toward their options for the following year. They include:
-Sign Patriots back-up QB Kevin O'Connell after he goes all "Matt Cassel" on the league.
-Move up in the 2nd round of the draft to grab Nick Mertens from D1-AA North Dakota State.
-Get Lovie Smith to make fun of Jay Cutler's hair, hurt his feelings and thus, demand a trade.
-Sign the top quarterback from the new UFL league, hoping for Tommy Maddox-like production.
-Sign Michael Vick and put my movie into production.
-Try to resurrect David Carr's career.
-Try to resurrect Joey Harrington's career.
-Try to resurrect Jeff George's career (again).
-Draft Tim Tebow, not to play quarterback, but to spend fifteen minutes with the quarterbacks.
-Convince Joe Mauer to give football one more try.
-Coax Brad Johnson out of retirement.
-Coax Warren Moon out of retirement.
-Coax Tommy Kramer out of retirement.
-Threaten the quarterbacks to listen to Adam Lambert sing after each interception thrown.
-Reward the quarterbacks with a "free boat ride" after every game without an interception.
-Just do the wildcat offense all the time with Percy, Chester, and Adrian.
-Find a grocery bagger who also happens to have played college football before.
-Let Brett Favre jerk the franchise around until he feels like making another comeback in August.
And that just sounds inevitable.
-Sign Patriots back-up QB Kevin O'Connell after he goes all "Matt Cassel" on the league.
-Move up in the 2nd round of the draft to grab Nick Mertens from D1-AA North Dakota State.
-Get Lovie Smith to make fun of Jay Cutler's hair, hurt his feelings and thus, demand a trade.
-Sign the top quarterback from the new UFL league, hoping for Tommy Maddox-like production.
-Sign Michael Vick and put my movie into production.
-Try to resurrect David Carr's career.
-Try to resurrect Joey Harrington's career.
-Try to resurrect Jeff George's career (again).
-Draft Tim Tebow, not to play quarterback, but to spend fifteen minutes with the quarterbacks.
-Convince Joe Mauer to give football one more try.
-Coax Brad Johnson out of retirement.
-Coax Warren Moon out of retirement.
-Coax Tommy Kramer out of retirement.
-Threaten the quarterbacks to listen to Adam Lambert sing after each interception thrown.
-Reward the quarterbacks with a "free boat ride" after every game without an interception.
-Just do the wildcat offense all the time with Percy, Chester, and Adrian.
-Find a grocery bagger who also happens to have played college football before.
-Let Brett Favre jerk the franchise around until he feels like making another comeback in August.
And that just sounds inevitable.
Friday, May 1, 2009
What the ESPN ticker has left out...
Poor Alex Rodriguez. The guy just can't seem to catch a break. I know, I know, the man has it all, and whatever he doesn't have he can buy. But he's also got this Selena Roberts gal on his back, searching through every fact of his life. From his first steps to his first syringe, Roberts is documenting it all in her new book about A-Rod. So far, we've found out that steroids were a part of A-Rod's workout regimen in high school, helping his bench press go from 100 pounds to 310 in a mere six months. Also, since he's been in the pros, he's tipped pitches to opposing players in games that have gotten out of hand, expecting the same in return to help his batting average. Here are a few other secrets to be added to the Hall-of-Shamer's cheat sheet, according to Roberts, that have yet to be mentioned.
-A-Rod is the reason behind several banks falling apart, as he has put every dime earned into a giant vault behind his home. He swims around in it as a tribute to Scrooge McDuck, his favorite character from the hit cartoon "Duck Tales."
-As a 6-year-old tee-ball player, little Alex would slip the game ball into his pocket while adjusting the height of the tee, and replace it with a juiced ball. As a result, he hit 46 homers that season. His previous tee-ball homerun average was only 34.
-The jump in bench press was not the only dramatic improvement aided by steroids. A-Rod also dropped his 40 yard dash time from 5.3 seconds to 4.4, and saw his vertical leap go from 26 inches to the ability to fly.
-A-Rod was telling the truth when he said he got steroids from his cousin, but he failed to mention his other sources. He also got the juice from Brian McNamee, Victor Conte, Scott Boras, his mom, his mom's friend Susan, his dad, Barry Bonds, Jose Conseco, that dude with a pony-tail from the gym, Madonna, Stephanie Pratt from "The Hills," Jason Giambi, Carrot Top, the defensive end from "The Program," Tony Mandarich, Shawne Merriman, and his other cousin, Vinny, who tried to convince him that they were, indeed, tic-tacs.
-Although we've never actually seen him do it, A-Rod is so juiced up that he has the ability to breathe fire and travel back in time to fight dinosaurs.
-During his years in Texas, A-Rod corked his bat, paid opposing catchers to call for high fastballs, and played home games at the Ball Park in Arlington, which has the outfield dimensions of a little league park.
-A-Rod is also a vampire.
-Because of his increased flexibility, A-Rod no longer has to shower as he is able to lick himself clean like a cat. He does this every day, and looks like he enjoys it.
-A-Rod is the reason behind several banks falling apart, as he has put every dime earned into a giant vault behind his home. He swims around in it as a tribute to Scrooge McDuck, his favorite character from the hit cartoon "Duck Tales."-The steroids paid off in other sports during high school. A-Rod was a star on the football team, the basketball team, and Math Masters. The roids helped him break a mental sweat too.
-A-Rod is still on steroids, as this is the only way he is able to perform at the top athletic level. If he were to stop, he would transform back into his former self, which is identical American Idol's Jorge Nunez.
-A-Rod plays Connect 4 with his daughter all the time, but he never lets her win. Because he cheats.
-There was a time when A-Rod was so beefed up on roids that Chuck Norris told his publicist to cool it for a while.
-While in Seattle, A-Rod tried to convince Ken Griffey Jr. to shoot some roids with him. Griffey declined, saying that even though everyone else was doing it, he heard that it increased probability of injury, and thus, he didn't want to try it. A-Rod was outraged that someone could suggest that his steroids could actually cause harm. As a retaliation, A-Rod booby-trapped several spots in the Mariners outfield, beginning Griffey's injury-prone decline.
-A-Rod screwed up the engineer's blue-prints for the new Yankee Stadium to cause a wind tunnel that pushes home runs out to right field.
-When Jim Rome suspected A-Rod's use of steroids, he was suspiciously lit on fire. It was kept fairly under raps, and Rome was replaced by the drummer from System of a Down, but A-Rod was heard making several "Rome is Burning" jokes in the time since.
-A-Rod's steroid cycle ends in October, which is why he's always garbage in the postseason.
Maybe during his rehab, he can adjust it so he does something productive this October. That is, if the Yankees make the postseason. One thing is for sure; Selena will be watching, all the way, until A-Rod retires and becomes the top shuffle-board player in his senior center.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Your Draft Day Special - The All Salma Hayek Team
Get it? Because she's known for her bust. It's a play on words. About boobies. Now, without further ado, here are your biggest busts of the new millennium. I know you've seen a million of these, but this one is different because today's draft is included!
Quarterback
QuarterbackDavid Carr (#1, 2002, Houston)
Alex Smith (#1, 2005, San Francisco)
Alex Smith (#1, 2005, San Francisco)
JaMarcus Russell (#1, 2007, Oakland)
Matthew Stafford (#1, 2009, Detroit)
This one is so easy, it is reserved only for top picks. Even Ryan Leaf might not make this decade's list. Carr and Smith need no further elaboration, and JaMarcus Russell is well on his way to joining them. Then, we have poor Matt Stafford, going to Detroit #1 overall, with the only consolation prize being the $40 million now in his bank account. This year's draft has clearly become a repeat of 2002, where Houston nabbed Carr at #1 and Detroit picked up Joey Harrington at #3. Both guys sucked, despite all their hype. Something tells me that because Detroit and the Jets are involved, the same will happen to Stafford and Sanchez in this year's draft. Salma's knocks don't lie. Oh yeah, they predict the future, too.
Runningback
Cedric Benson (2005, #4, Chicago)
Cadillac Williams (2005, #5, Tampa Bay)
Really, this decade was pretty kind on runningbacks. Thank goodness for the 2005 draft, which was absolutely BRUTAL. Go ahead, Wikipedia it, I'll wait for you. It's only been a few years, and most of the first-rounders can already be written off, including these two. Cadillac enjoyed a Rookie of the Year season, then went all "A-Train" Anthony Thomas on his career. Cedric Benson, on the other hand, never even had that, and is now a head cashier at Taco Bell.
Wide Receiver
Peter Warrick (# 4, Cincinnati, 2000)
Charles Rogers (#2, Detroit, 2003)
Troy Williamson (#7, Minnesota, 2005)
Darrius Heyward-Bey (#7, Oakland, 2009)
Not one of these guys lasted longer than five years in the NFL. Troy Williamson cemented his career with the Vikings with this play: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WZNyYouzuk&feature=related Oakland guaranteed us another one for this decade by passing up on Michael Crabtree for Heyward-Bey, whose two last names won't translate into one good player.
Charles Rogers (#2, Detroit, 2003)
Troy Williamson (#7, Minnesota, 2005)
Darrius Heyward-Bey (#7, Oakland, 2009)
Not one of these guys lasted longer than five years in the NFL. Troy Williamson cemented his career with the Vikings with this play: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WZNyYouzuk&feature=related Oakland guaranteed us another one for this decade by passing up on Michael Crabtree for Heyward-Bey, whose two last names won't translate into one good player.
Tight End
Vernon Davis (#6, San Francisco, 2006)
Still waiting for this guy to produce. Unfortunately, the only thing he has produced so far is making head coach Mike Singletary so furious that he dropped his pants during his first half-time locker room speech as front-man of the Niners. Actually, that is pretty impressive.
Offensive Tackle
Mike Williams (#4, Buffalo, 2002)
Bryant McKinnie (#7, Minnesota, 2002)
Bryant McKinnie (#7, Minnesota, 2002)
Robert Gallery (#2, Oakland, 2004)
The "safest" pick of the draft has produced a few doozies. Mike Williams and Bryant McKinnie have a combined weight of 1,300 pounds, making it way too easy for today's lightning quick defensive ends to blow by them. As for Gallery, he is the only player chosen in the Top 8 of the '04 Draft to not make a Pro Bowl. And it's not because he's been snubbed.
Offensive Guard
Offensive Guard
None
These never get picked, because most the top linemen in college play tackle. Since I have nothing else to say, enjoy another this picture of Scarlett Johanssen, who was just chosen to be on the cover of next year's draft bust blog.
Center
Also none. Good thing this picture is keeping your attention.
Defensive End
Courtney Brown (#1, Cleveland, 2000)
Justin Smith (#4, Cinncinnati, 2001)
Justin Smith (#4, Cinncinnati, 2001)
Chris Long (#2, St. Louis, 2008)
Justin Smith is cashing in because San Francisco ignores stats. He's garbage. Courtney Brown was supposed to be Reggie White, but has instead played like Barry White. Chris Long can still turn it around, but his Hall of Fame dad is too busy trying to turn Chevy around with his "if you don't own a Chevy, you're a pussy" campaign. Chris could use a man-step, but his dad won't allow it.
Defensive Tackle
Gerard Warren (#3, Cleveland, 2001)
Ryan Sims (#6, Kansas City, 2002)
Ryan Sims (#6, Kansas City, 2002)
DeWayne Robertson (#4, New York Jets, 2003)
Johnathan Sullivan (#6, New Orleans, 2003)
Why does Cleveland's defense still suck? It all starts up front with the poo-poo platter of Warren and Brown. Sullivan and Robertson are out of the league, while Sims can't even start over Chris Hovan in Tampa Bay.
Linebacker
A.J. Hawk (#5, Green Bay, 2006)
Vernon Gholston (#6, New York Jets, 2008)
This position was pretty safe up until a couple years ago. At least Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister. I'm told that's a good thing, but clearly she's still torn between the two. Gholston has just been awful, but by this point I've put up so many pictures of pretty girls that you just don't care anymore.
Cornerback
Dunta Robinson (#10, Houston, 2004)
Pacman Jones (#6, Tennessee, 2005)
Antrell Rolle (#8, Arizona, 2005)
Pacman Jones (#6, Tennessee, 2005)
Antrell Rolle (#8, Arizona, 2005)
You know what? Pacman makes it so much fun that you can ignore the other two. MAKE IT RAIN!!!! Good luck in your next career as a porn star.
Safety
Michael Huff (#7, Oakland, 2006)
LaRon Landry (#6, Washington, 2007)
Thankfully the NFL has insane owners like Al Davis, whose team is all over this blog, and Daniel Snyder, who usually trades these types of draft picks for 34 year old free agents.
It's because of guys like them that ensure these busty-themed articles always have a place on draft day.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Time to whip it out...
When Oklahoma State plays Oklahoma, it's called Bedlam. When Pittsburgh squares off with West Virginia, it's The Backyard Brawl. Duke against North Carolina is simply known as one of the greatest rivalries in sports.
Then you have North Dakota and North Dakota State: The Gayest Rivalry in Sports.
No, the students don't try to out gang-bang each other. Nor do they compete to see who can go the longest in a brown-star without the aid of lubrication. However, there is a great deal of dick measuring. In fact, that's pretty much all that's left.
Don't get me wrong, back in the day this rivalry used to be legit. Never did it reach the levels of an Ohio State - Michigan game, but as far as a regional rivalry, it was pretty significant. It didn't matter if one, or even both, teams were absolute garbage; Sioux vs. Bison was always a sell-out. And why not? The schools are only an hour's drive apart.
Rivalries are one of the best aspects about sports, but unfortunately it just isn't the same when the teams don't actually play. In 2004, the Bison moved to Division 1 in all athletics, while the Sioux stuck around in Division 2. This is when the aforementioned dick measuring began.
Bison fans immediately assumed that they were better than the Sioux in all sports because they were now Division 1. Sioux fans figured the Bison would flop at D1, and they were just moving up because they didn't have hockey. Consider hockey as the element that gives each side it's boner, causing them to go scrambling for a ruler. Or as many of these rubes will tell you, a yard stick.
The Sioux have one of the most established college hockey programs in the nation. 7 National Championships, 18 Frozen Fours, and countless games on TV against programs like Minnesota and Wisconsin. It's the signature of the entire university. 78 miles south, NDSU has a very nice agriculture department.
It's the end-all comeback, the "Yeah, well, you're stupid!" at the end of every message board. Sioux fans say the Bison are jealous because they'll never be a DIVISION 1 NATIONAL CHAMPION. Bison fans point out that no one cares about hockey, at least not outside of about 5 or 6 states in the U.S.
Sioux fans always have hockey in their back pocket. Bison fans counter with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyn8IRFup4Y
Now that neither team plays, the argument is not about who is better, but rather, who is more relevant nationally. The realization for these delusional fans needs to be this: neither school is big time. The best thing they can hope for are a couple flashes of brilliance.
An excellent example of this would be the Sioux hockey team capturing a National Championship, and for however brief a time, being noticed by a national audience. Another excellent example is the Bison men's basketball team winning the Summit League and making the Big Dance. Once again, a national stage, no matter how short-lived.
Examples of the Ron Jeremy and Dirk Diggler major asset contestants, however, are all over university message boards, as well as the comments section of any related blog. Go to www.areavoices.com/bisonmedia, click on comments, and see how long it takes for any topic, much less ones that mention the Sioux, to switch into mine-is-bigger mode.
Residents in this area need to stop arguing over who is more nationally renown, because the answer will always be neither. This isn't Texas. This isn't even Minnesota. This is North Dakota. Any game that is televised for either school should be celebrated on either side.
Sioux fans should have cheered for the Bison men to make the tournament. It proves that a few kids from this area are actually capable of playing basketball. And guess what? Some can play hockey too, and UND has proved that.
Hopefully, some day, these teams will play each other again. UND moved up to Divison 1 last year in all other sports, and it would only make sense for these two teams to be in the same conference once the Sioux catch up in scholarships and finish their probation period.
Again, Bison-backers will say they are above the Sioux. Sioux-per fans will say they don't need the Bison and they can go to a different conference. Each side better have plenty of KY jelly.
I say, wouldn't it just be more fun to play each other again? I've been told that a Sioux - Bison football game is as good as it gets. I'd like to see it for myself.
On a personal note, I graduated from the UND. Upon graduation, I worked as a sports reporter in Fargo, covering every Bison athletic program at some point during a full year.
Maybe a few Sioux fans will read this and call me a traitor. Maybe a few Bison fans will read it and call me a jealous Sioux-backer.
And I'll just call them all gay.
Then you have North Dakota and North Dakota State: The Gayest Rivalry in Sports.
No, the students don't try to out gang-bang each other. Nor do they compete to see who can go the longest in a brown-star without the aid of lubrication. However, there is a great deal of dick measuring. In fact, that's pretty much all that's left.
Don't get me wrong, back in the day this rivalry used to be legit. Never did it reach the levels of an Ohio State - Michigan game, but as far as a regional rivalry, it was pretty significant. It didn't matter if one, or even both, teams were absolute garbage; Sioux vs. Bison was always a sell-out. And why not? The schools are only an hour's drive apart.
Rivalries are one of the best aspects about sports, but unfortunately it just isn't the same when the teams don't actually play. In 2004, the Bison moved to Division 1 in all athletics, while the Sioux stuck around in Division 2. This is when the aforementioned dick measuring began.
Bison fans immediately assumed that they were better than the Sioux in all sports because they were now Division 1. Sioux fans figured the Bison would flop at D1, and they were just moving up because they didn't have hockey. Consider hockey as the element that gives each side it's boner, causing them to go scrambling for a ruler. Or as many of these rubes will tell you, a yard stick.
The Sioux have one of the most established college hockey programs in the nation. 7 National Championships, 18 Frozen Fours, and countless games on TV against programs like Minnesota and Wisconsin. It's the signature of the entire university. 78 miles south, NDSU has a very nice agriculture department.
It's the end-all comeback, the "Yeah, well, you're stupid!" at the end of every message board. Sioux fans say the Bison are jealous because they'll never be a DIVISION 1 NATIONAL CHAMPION. Bison fans point out that no one cares about hockey, at least not outside of about 5 or 6 states in the U.S.
Sioux fans always have hockey in their back pocket. Bison fans counter with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyn8IRFup4Y
Now that neither team plays, the argument is not about who is better, but rather, who is more relevant nationally. The realization for these delusional fans needs to be this: neither school is big time. The best thing they can hope for are a couple flashes of brilliance.
An excellent example of this would be the Sioux hockey team capturing a National Championship, and for however brief a time, being noticed by a national audience. Another excellent example is the Bison men's basketball team winning the Summit League and making the Big Dance. Once again, a national stage, no matter how short-lived.
Examples of the Ron Jeremy and Dirk Diggler major asset contestants, however, are all over university message boards, as well as the comments section of any related blog. Go to www.areavoices.com/bisonmedia, click on comments, and see how long it takes for any topic, much less ones that mention the Sioux, to switch into mine-is-bigger mode.
Residents in this area need to stop arguing over who is more nationally renown, because the answer will always be neither. This isn't Texas. This isn't even Minnesota. This is North Dakota. Any game that is televised for either school should be celebrated on either side.
Sioux fans should have cheered for the Bison men to make the tournament. It proves that a few kids from this area are actually capable of playing basketball. And guess what? Some can play hockey too, and UND has proved that.
Hopefully, some day, these teams will play each other again. UND moved up to Divison 1 last year in all other sports, and it would only make sense for these two teams to be in the same conference once the Sioux catch up in scholarships and finish their probation period.
Again, Bison-backers will say they are above the Sioux. Sioux-per fans will say they don't need the Bison and they can go to a different conference. Each side better have plenty of KY jelly.
I say, wouldn't it just be more fun to play each other again? I've been told that a Sioux - Bison football game is as good as it gets. I'd like to see it for myself.
On a personal note, I graduated from the UND. Upon graduation, I worked as a sports reporter in Fargo, covering every Bison athletic program at some point during a full year.
Maybe a few Sioux fans will read this and call me a traitor. Maybe a few Bison fans will read it and call me a jealous Sioux-backer.
And I'll just call them all gay.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Bracket Porn!
From 2001 until 2004, I was an unstoppable bracketeer. Each of those years, I finished in the top 8 in the Windom Pool. This is also known as Al Baloun's Community Pool full of policemen, teachers, and high school coaches. March Madness - it's okay to gamble on 18-23 year olds JUST THIS ONE TIME! Love it. Anyways, anyone in the top 8 in Al's Pool wins some money. There are usually 80+ people in this bracket. I would like to note that from 2001 to 2004, I was in high school. Freshman through Senior year. This was the only thing I could ever brag about, including my perfect Final Fours in 2001 and 2004. In the years since, well, I've run cold, but at least I've gotten laid since then. The key to my winnings during high school was all the hours in the computer lab spent breaking down resumes from each team, rather than doing schoolwork. Once I got to college, I tried to do the same thing my freshman year. I was quickly rewarded with a 62% in a Sociology quiz. Nice. Needless to say, my brackets were just filled out with gut feelings from that point forward. Now that I have a job, I can waste time again. Did you know that Alabama State has a player named Chief Kickingstallionsims? I do. Now that that's out of the way, it's time for some picks.
MIDWEST
1st and 2nd Round
The play-in game features Morehead State and Alabama State, with their aforementioned star. Although no bracket in the history of gambling requires people to pick this game, I will add it to the list simply because this game shows the committee's sense of humor. Think of the game's apparel sales - many College Humor fans already own Morehead State gear for obvious pervert reasons, and who the hell wouldn't love to buy an Alabama State jersey with the name "Kickingstallionsims" on the back. Genius. That's why Alabama State will win, followed by a thrashing to Louisville in which Terrence Williams and Earl Clark confuse half the stadium by holding a during game Slam Dunk competition.
Ohio State over Siena, who lost all sleeper value by having to play OSU in Columbus West. This is the same reason OSU will keep very close to Louisville, but run out of gas when B.J. Mullens thinks his mustache belongs to Adam Morrison, forcing him to break down and cry at midcourt.
One note: Louisville scares the crap out of me. They've lost Western Kentucky, Minnesota, UNLV (at home!) and Notre Dame (by 33!). I could totally see them winning it all, or crapping the bed and losing in the 2nd round to Ohio State. I will say this: One of the top seeds is going down in the second round. Just too many tough match-ups; one out of four has to go down. Do I have the balls to say who? Stay tuned.
Utah over Arizona, who has become everyone's favorite "12 over a 5" upset, even though this is the same Arizona team that fans love every year, only to see them lose to West Virginia as a 10 last year, and Purdue as a 9 the year before. Remember picking them in the first round both of those years? STOP DOING THAT!
Wake Forest will play their bipolar best in a win over Cleveland State, where they will trail by at least 12 at one point, and lead by at least 15 at another point. Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold" was actually written about Wake Forest, which is why they will lose to Utah in the second round despite having more talent.
Kansas wins a first round road game against NDSU and several thousand rowdy Bison fans who already have several outs to make this game sound like the biggest deal ever. I live in Fargo, and I just know something has to happen that will make the Bison rubes whip it out and see who's is bigger with the U of North Dakota. I don't think (and I certainly don't hope) it's with a win over Kansas, but I could see KU going to the Final Four, causing message boards to erupt with "See? See how good were are? We only lost to a Final Four team by 12 points! Suck on that SUE! But hey, you still have hockey." It just seems like the most probable thing to happen.
West Virginia beats Dayton, then loses to Kansas in the 2nd round. As a consolation prize, West Virginia wins the "Nick Johnson's favorite sleeper until the brackets actually came out" award. Tough break for the Mountaineers.
USC dismantles Doug Flutie and BC, then loses a yawn-fest to Michigan State. As much as I love the 8 and 9 seeds to knock off a 1, I hate all of the 7 and 10 seeds. Normally, there's at least one shoe-in second round upset of a 2 seed. I can't find one this year, and almost talked myself into USC in this matchup. Then I looked at my bracket last year with USC in the Elite Eight, and vomited Orange Juice and Mayo all over the floor.
Semifinals
Louisville over Utah, who will play the role of this year's "Mountain West team that flew under the radar when experts made their picks, then gained steam into the second weekend, only to go out with a whimper against a better team."
Kansas upends Michigan State on the scoreboard, but Tom Izzo wins his head-to-head matchup with Bill Self to see who's face can look more like they're taking a dump.
Final
Kansas over Louisville. I like this Louisville team, but I just have a hunch about Kansas. Cole Aldrich and Sherron Collins will be the annual players from the same team to climb up the NBA Draft board with a good tourney run, the way CDR and Derrick Rose did last year. Bill Self has some major karma as College Basketball's best coach, and can cement it with this team that was supposed to be a rebuilding project. And don't forget those Bison fans in the first round, who will say they were the tough test that made KU strong enough for a Final Four run. Seriously, the Bison Media blog. Read it in two weeks.
EAST
1st and 2nd Round
Pittsburgh rolls over East Tennessee State, then plays the REAL Tennessee team in a tough fought game. Again, I like Pitt to win, but Bruce Pearl and his great porn director name will not go down easy (no pun intended). Seriously, did any conference get urinated on by the committee more than the SEC? Only three teams, LSU, the regular season champ and ranked in the Top 25 is an 8 seed, playing the toughest 9 seed in Butler (who also deals with more than their fair share of tournament committee piss). Tennessee a 9, and Mississippi State a 13??? I know they weren't great in the regular season, but you win the SEC tournament, finish 23-12, and get put on the same line as Akron? The SEC was down, but I was looking forward to picking all these teams to lose in an upset, not just chalk it up like everyone else.
MIDWEST
1st and 2nd Round
The play-in game features Morehead State and Alabama State, with their aforementioned star. Although no bracket in the history of gambling requires people to pick this game, I will add it to the list simply because this game shows the committee's sense of humor. Think of the game's apparel sales - many College Humor fans already own Morehead State gear for obvious pervert reasons, and who the hell wouldn't love to buy an Alabama State jersey with the name "Kickingstallionsims" on the back. Genius. That's why Alabama State will win, followed by a thrashing to Louisville in which Terrence Williams and Earl Clark confuse half the stadium by holding a during game Slam Dunk competition.
Ohio State over Siena, who lost all sleeper value by having to play OSU in Columbus West. This is the same reason OSU will keep very close to Louisville, but run out of gas when B.J. Mullens thinks his mustache belongs to Adam Morrison, forcing him to break down and cry at midcourt.
One note: Louisville scares the crap out of me. They've lost Western Kentucky, Minnesota, UNLV (at home!) and Notre Dame (by 33!). I could totally see them winning it all, or crapping the bed and losing in the 2nd round to Ohio State. I will say this: One of the top seeds is going down in the second round. Just too many tough match-ups; one out of four has to go down. Do I have the balls to say who? Stay tuned.
Utah over Arizona, who has become everyone's favorite "12 over a 5" upset, even though this is the same Arizona team that fans love every year, only to see them lose to West Virginia as a 10 last year, and Purdue as a 9 the year before. Remember picking them in the first round both of those years? STOP DOING THAT!
Wake Forest will play their bipolar best in a win over Cleveland State, where they will trail by at least 12 at one point, and lead by at least 15 at another point. Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold" was actually written about Wake Forest, which is why they will lose to Utah in the second round despite having more talent.
Kansas wins a first round road game against NDSU and several thousand rowdy Bison fans who already have several outs to make this game sound like the biggest deal ever. I live in Fargo, and I just know something has to happen that will make the Bison rubes whip it out and see who's is bigger with the U of North Dakota. I don't think (and I certainly don't hope) it's with a win over Kansas, but I could see KU going to the Final Four, causing message boards to erupt with "See? See how good were are? We only lost to a Final Four team by 12 points! Suck on that SUE! But hey, you still have hockey." It just seems like the most probable thing to happen.
West Virginia beats Dayton, then loses to Kansas in the 2nd round. As a consolation prize, West Virginia wins the "Nick Johnson's favorite sleeper until the brackets actually came out" award. Tough break for the Mountaineers.
USC dismantles Doug Flutie and BC, then loses a yawn-fest to Michigan State. As much as I love the 8 and 9 seeds to knock off a 1, I hate all of the 7 and 10 seeds. Normally, there's at least one shoe-in second round upset of a 2 seed. I can't find one this year, and almost talked myself into USC in this matchup. Then I looked at my bracket last year with USC in the Elite Eight, and vomited Orange Juice and Mayo all over the floor.
Semifinals
Louisville over Utah, who will play the role of this year's "Mountain West team that flew under the radar when experts made their picks, then gained steam into the second weekend, only to go out with a whimper against a better team."
Kansas upends Michigan State on the scoreboard, but Tom Izzo wins his head-to-head matchup with Bill Self to see who's face can look more like they're taking a dump.
Final
Kansas over Louisville. I like this Louisville team, but I just have a hunch about Kansas. Cole Aldrich and Sherron Collins will be the annual players from the same team to climb up the NBA Draft board with a good tourney run, the way CDR and Derrick Rose did last year. Bill Self has some major karma as College Basketball's best coach, and can cement it with this team that was supposed to be a rebuilding project. And don't forget those Bison fans in the first round, who will say they were the tough test that made KU strong enough for a Final Four run. Seriously, the Bison Media blog. Read it in two weeks.
EAST
1st and 2nd Round
Pittsburgh rolls over East Tennessee State, then plays the REAL Tennessee team in a tough fought game. Again, I like Pitt to win, but Bruce Pearl and his great porn director name will not go down easy (no pun intended). Seriously, did any conference get urinated on by the committee more than the SEC? Only three teams, LSU, the regular season champ and ranked in the Top 25 is an 8 seed, playing the toughest 9 seed in Butler (who also deals with more than their fair share of tournament committee piss). Tennessee a 9, and Mississippi State a 13??? I know they weren't great in the regular season, but you win the SEC tournament, finish 23-12, and get put on the same line as Akron? The SEC was down, but I was looking forward to picking all these teams to lose in an upset, not just chalk it up like everyone else.
Florida State will knock off Wisconsin in the tournament's ugliest game. One thing to note about the Big Ten: they play so sloppy that one of these teams could contact the ghost of Tom Coverdale and pull a 2002 Indiana type run to the title game. If they get the right teams to play down to their poopy style, something like that could happen. As for this game (as well as five other first rounders including the Big Ten), I just don't see it.
Their game is in Boise, which for whatever reason, has become the Bermuda Triangle of the NCAA Tournament. Something crazy always seems to happen there (Hampton over Iowa State anyone?) and this year I could see it happening again. That's why I like Portland State over Xavier. And Florida State. Aside from the haunted house factor, Portland State has a sneaky good team. They won at Gonzaga, and lost by only a point to Washington. They made the tourney last year, granted they lost in the first round to Kansas, but at least they've been there before. They have balanced scoring, with four guys averaging double figures, AND they're playing somewhat close to home. Xavier has been good in this tournament for way too long, they're due for an upset. If the Vikings can get by them, I can't see them losing to FSU.
Out in Philly, Villanova gets the biggest home court advantage, while UCLA gets the biggest shaft. Not only are they a 6 seed, they have to play a scrappy VCU team who has some upset cred from two years ago (remember that Duke fans?). I like UCLA to survive that game, and I would like them to beat Nova if it wasn't a road game. With seasoned guys like Josh Shipp and Darren Collison, UCLA has that San Antonio Spur feel to just turn it on come playoff time. Too bad for the Bruins. Oh yeah, and the American Eagles, but at least they still have that clothing line.
Texas over Minnesota in a surprisingly easy first round pick. I want the Gophers to win, I grew up in Minnesota, and I've always loved the basketball team. That's why I see this loss coming from a mile away. You know why? Because it's a winnable game. They're a minor underdog, meaning everyone in Al's Pool will pick them out of homer pride. Unfortunately, in the Minnesota history of sports, this is the part where the letdown comes into play. I hope I'm wrong, it's just that I'm usually not when it comes to the Minnesota letdown. Just too much experience.
I'd love to pick Texas over Duke, I really would. I'd love it more that Angelique would love to rail 20 Pack. But I just can't do it. Texas is garbage, and the only reason they'll even advance is because of the annual Minnesota letdown. I just cracked open a beer. Maybe Binghamton can muster up some Belmont pride and give Duke another scare in the first round, but I doubt it. We've been spoiled by Duke, well, taking a duke the past couple of years in the big dance. We just can't expect them to keep doing it. Look at it this way, at least we can keep rooting against them if they stick around. Glass half full? Anyone?
Semifinals
Portland State's cinderella run ends at the hands of Pittsburgh. It just has to. Meanwhile, this will be about the time that people start to realize how good Sam Young is. Believe me, I have somewhat of a man-crush on DeJuan Blair, but Young is their best player. Maybe it's because he's a senior, and wasn't the best player we'd ever seen ever when he was a freshman, but he averages nearly 20 a game and he does it in entertaining fashion. Get to know him!
Keep hating Duke, because they'll keep winning by knocking off Nova. At least Jay Wright will be dressed better than Mike Shashefski. I mean Krzykewski. What a tool.
Final
Pittsburgh frees us of Kyle Singler and the rest of Duke's Nazi squad. Blue Devil fans use their white hoods to wipe the blue paint off their face, and they return home to burn more crosses and use the Lord's name in vein. Did I mention I'm not much of a Duke guy?
SOUTH
1st and 2nd Round
The toughest 8 or 9 draw of them all was given to the Tar Heels. Butler has proven themselves time and again in this tourney, yet they've only been rewarded with anything higher than a 7 seed one time (a 5 in 2007, when they made it to the Sweet 16!). This is a scary game for the Heels, probably the toughest one they will have in a road to the Final Four. Once again, I don't have the cojones to actually pick Butler, but I will be pulling for them.
Once again, Western Kentucky is a 12 seed, and once again, they will advance. Illinois is about as inconsistent as anyone, and I just can't pick a team who put up only 33 points at home to Penn State. Seriously. The Hilltoppers have everyone back, except for the great Courtney Lee, and Illinois' best player might be hurt. Committee to bracket people - enjoy your gimme 12 over 5 game!
Gonzaga plays Akron, who has been visited by the great LeBron James on a few occassions this season. However, unless the Zips change their name to the Witnesses, and Bron-Bron suits up for them, they aren't going anywhere. Western Kentucky and Gonzaga is an interesting game: it could represent WKU becoming the new "it" team for mid-majors, with them seizing control over Gonzaga in a Rocky over Apollo moment. However, this game is in Portland, very close to home for the Zags, which is why I give them the edge.
Arizona State is my only sleeper team that ended up with a good draw. Temple's been hot, but the Sun Devils have had some good karma all season. They have balance, a go-to guy in James Harden, and after a solid tourney run, they will have the coach in Herb Sendek who gets his named dropped for every major coaching vacancy ala Billy Gillispie.
Syracuse has done this before: make a huge Big East tourney run, gain a whole bunch of steam as the team that's "playing it's best basketball right now," and then be forgotten about by the second weekend. I see more of the same this time. I could almost see them losing to Stephen F. Austin, but he's only one person. Instead, Arizona State will knock off the Orange in Round 2. Although, Cuse was a 3 seed when they won it all in '03...
Speaking of "seen this before," Clemson starts off the season 15-0 for the 17th straight season, only to sink into mediocrity after Christmas. Lucky break for Michigan, who might just give Oklahoma some fits in Round 2. You have to watch out for John Beilein coached teams. In fact, this Michigan team could be that sloppy Big Ten team to make a run, maybe not to the title game, but to the Elite 8. However, Kevin Pittsnogle and Mike Gansey aren't walking through that door to sink a record number of threes for Coach Beilein, so I'll take future L.A. Clipper Blake Griffin and his Sooners.
Semifinals
UNC makes a statement against Gonzaga after their squeeker over Butler. Lawson starts to gain some of his health back, every analyst in the country will jump on their bandwagon as the best team, and Roy Williams will swear in front of Bonnie Bernstein again (Please, I don't ask for much).
Arizona State will take down Oklahoma thanks in large part to James Pendergraph's ability to neutralize Blake Griffin. Although I don't think Griffin will cry, I nominate him for the Adam Morrison award for "most close-ups of a player's face after his team is bounced from the tourney a round earlier than he thought."
Finals
Sendek's Devils bow out to Carolina, who gets into the Final Four for something like the 356th time. Defense will be an issue for the Heels, and Seth Davis will make sure to point this out any time he gets a chance, breaking the record for the "Memphis free-throws" topic from a year ago.
WEST
Chattanooga over UConn! In the spread, that is. The Huskies barely win by about 20, then become my final chance to have the balls to pick a top seed to lose in the 2nd round. I can't do it. Even though Texas A&M almost did it to UCLA last year, I don't even see the Aggies beating a sneaky good team from BYU. Those mormons can shoot, man. If Steve Young could get on Ty Detmer's shoulders to post up against Hasheem Thabeet, maybe, but since they can't, he will wreck the Cougars down low.
It's very hard for me to pick against Northern Iowa, seeing as my buddy Delo is tight with their head coach. I mean, that's the closest thing I can get to a name drop in this whole bracket, other than how I got to interview every player for my alma mater's rival NDSU back in the day. The Panthers will keep it tight with their big ogre down low, Jordan Eglseder, but Purdue has been playing well lately with Robbie Hummel back, and because both Big Ten 5'ers can't lose in the first round.
Washington gets to play close to home against the SEC tourney champion. That still seems odd to me. The Huskies will take it, and also knock off Purdue. The gay guy in me would like to point out that Purdue and Washington will have clashing goldish-yellow colors on their jerseys, and the straight man in me would like to point out that that's why gay people usually don't like sports. If they did, Cuba would never be allowed to wear those wretched red pants in the World Baseball Classic. I'm done now.
Back to crazy Boise, where Marquette survives Utah State. I thought the Golden Eagles would stink something awful when Dominic James, their senior-freaking point guard, tore his ACL and ended his season. But, the Fighting D-Wades have kept every game close. Maybe that means they'll lose this game by a point too, but they've just shown too much heart for me to not pick them to advance at least once.
Missouri outsmarts Randy Wittman's kid and the rest of Cornell in the biggets clash of style in the tournament. Mizzou wants to run you out of the gym, Cornell wants to tie sweater's around their waists and invest their money. I like Mizzou on a basketball court, and I also think they wear out Marquette a round later.
My boys from Maryland take on California in a game that I can't pick objectively. I mean, it's the Terps, so I'm going to pick them. Plus, I haven't seen Cal play at all this year. Not once. I just kind of forgot about them. This could bite me in the ass later.
Memphis will pimp slap C-St.-N (Do you know what that stands for? Me neither) and then they'll also probably pimp slap my Terps. John Calipari is hard core; he thinks every game is a statement game, and he might be just a tad upset about not getting that top seed. Their style of play (stingy defense, quick scoring offense) is a great recipe for blowouts. I wonder if they could beat the Grizzlies right now?
Semifinals
Remember when UConn played Washington in 2006, and needed a buzzer beater to knock off Brandon Roy and the Huskies? Well, Brandon Roy doesn't play at Washington, so it won't be that close this time.
Memphis over Mizzou in a very fun to watch game. However, the Tigers force a lot of turnovers, and with a run and gun team, they'll force a lot more. Player to gain steam with national recognition and NBA Draft status at this point? Tyreke Evans. He's no Derrick Rose, and unfortunately he was compared to him often all year, but he's a standout player in a different way. He'll prove it this March.
Final
Memphis over UConn in a game that just has to happen. All the top seed talk, the Big East being all powerful versus Conference USA being a one-horse league, and Calipari against Calhoun. Seriously, can you think of two more pompous coaches going head-to-head? I can't, and I love it. I like Memphis, again, because of the defense, and because UConn has never been the same without Jerome Dyson. Their talent will carry them here, but no further.
FINAL FOUR
Semifinals
Memphis keeps it going by getting "revenge" over Kansas, even though the "revenge" won't put a "2008 National Champions" banner in their gym. In the past, I've hated Memphis because of the weak schedule, but the fact of the matter is, is that it just doesn't matter. Calipari knows how to teach his kids to go for the jugular - that's why they haven't stumbled in 61 straight Conference USA games. He expects perfection and nothing less. Next year, with two of the top four recruits in the country, they might be undefeated heading into the tournament, especially if Evans sticks around. You heard it here first.
Pittsburgh knocks off UNC, Tyler Hansbrough will cry, and his dad will hug him at midcourt in a moment that CBS will try to turn into the final scene of "Friday Night Lights." Hansbrough is a great college player, but there is no worse matchup for him than a big ol' bruiser down low. Cough, DeJuan Blair, cough. Levance Fields will have the game of his life, and he'll break the record for most fist-pumping-on-his-chest moves in one game.
Finals
Pittsburgh over Memphis. All season long I just haven't been able to get off the Panthers. They have so much going for them on the court that is obvious: they finally learned how to win big games on the road by slaying Calhoun's boys in Storrs, and they even have senior leaders in Sam Young, Levance Fields, and Tyrell Biggs. Who the hell has senior leadership anymore? Aside from that, they have the karma factor. Coach Jamie Dixon is one of the best and most underrated coaches in sports, and his sister's death from a couple years ago will provide the spiritual motivation. They even have Jermaine Dixon, Juan "Shining Moment" Dixon's cousin. You don't think they've been on the phone like 100 times in the past month? The Final Four is in Detroit, a blue-collar town much like Pittsburgh, where the Steelers even won the Super Bowl four years ago. It just all seems to make sense.
Which is why it has no chance of happening. You're welcome fellow participants of Al's Pool!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Get Down with the Sickness
March 7, 2009: I go to the Doctor
Me: Doc, I just haven't been myself lately. I've been going on spending sprees for team apparel of different colleges, like this Belmont shirt I have on, this Virginia Commonwealth hat, and these Morehead State boxers. When I drink something, I blow bubbles, and then argue with myself over which bubble is best, like they're little bubble teams. And I have this odd new habit of kissing the middle of the floor at my job, right on the Cartridge World logo, just before I leave. What's going on?
Dr. Lunardi: Well, son, I think you might have a case of March Madness.
Me: Good one Doc. What's really happening here?
Dr. Lunardi: I'm serious, I think you have March Madness. Do you fish?
Me: Yeah, I went last week, what does that have to do with it?
Dr. Lunardi: Well, did you cut off the net and hold it over your head afterwards?
Me: Yeah... How'd you know?
Dr. Lunardi: Now I'm sure it's March Madness. I bet you also framed your shirt from the time you scored 7 points in that pickup game last week.
Me: Yeah, I did. Is this also why I've started trying on glass slippers at the shoe store?
Dr. Lunardi: Probably.
Me: And why I tried drawing up a bracket for I Love Money 2?
Dr. Lunardi: I would imagine.
Me: And when I tug on the front of my shirt with pride after a successful trip to the bathroom?
Dr. Lunardi: That's a little odd, actually.
Me: Oh, sorry. Man, I always thought March Madness was just a saying, not a real disease.
Dr. Lunardi: Yeah, that's what people said about cooties until Paris Hilton came along.
Me: Really? So Gold Fever?
Dr. Lunardi: Flavor Flav.
Me: And explosive diarrhea?
Dr. Lunardi: That one was always real.
Me: Right. So how do I get over this March Madness?
Dr. Lunardi: There's no cure, only time can heal it. Until April to be exact.
Me: Should I avoid college basketball?
Dr. Lunardi: No, if anything watch more of it. Fill out the brackets, debate bubble teams, bet on games, just go ahead and get your fill before the season's over. Just avoid heavy doses of Digger Phelps.
Me: Thanks, Doc. Now, can we take a look at that prostate of mine?
Me: Doc, I just haven't been myself lately. I've been going on spending sprees for team apparel of different colleges, like this Belmont shirt I have on, this Virginia Commonwealth hat, and these Morehead State boxers. When I drink something, I blow bubbles, and then argue with myself over which bubble is best, like they're little bubble teams. And I have this odd new habit of kissing the middle of the floor at my job, right on the Cartridge World logo, just before I leave. What's going on?
Dr. Lunardi: Well, son, I think you might have a case of March Madness.
Me: Good one Doc. What's really happening here?
Dr. Lunardi: I'm serious, I think you have March Madness. Do you fish?
Me: Yeah, I went last week, what does that have to do with it?
Dr. Lunardi: Well, did you cut off the net and hold it over your head afterwards?
Me: Yeah... How'd you know?
Dr. Lunardi: Now I'm sure it's March Madness. I bet you also framed your shirt from the time you scored 7 points in that pickup game last week.
Me: Yeah, I did. Is this also why I've started trying on glass slippers at the shoe store?
Dr. Lunardi: Probably.
Me: And why I tried drawing up a bracket for I Love Money 2?
Dr. Lunardi: I would imagine.
Me: And when I tug on the front of my shirt with pride after a successful trip to the bathroom?
Dr. Lunardi: That's a little odd, actually.
Me: Oh, sorry. Man, I always thought March Madness was just a saying, not a real disease.
Dr. Lunardi: Yeah, that's what people said about cooties until Paris Hilton came along.
Me: Really? So Gold Fever?
Dr. Lunardi: Flavor Flav.
Me: And explosive diarrhea?
Dr. Lunardi: That one was always real.
Me: Right. So how do I get over this March Madness?
Dr. Lunardi: There's no cure, only time can heal it. Until April to be exact.
Me: Should I avoid college basketball?
Dr. Lunardi: No, if anything watch more of it. Fill out the brackets, debate bubble teams, bet on games, just go ahead and get your fill before the season's over. Just avoid heavy doses of Digger Phelps.
Me: Thanks, Doc. Now, can we take a look at that prostate of mine?
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Michael Vick's Movie Script
On July 20th of this summer, 3-time Pro Bowler and 2001 top pick Michael Vick will be released from federal prison. In all likelihood, Vick will make a return to the NFL, sit out one full season under Roger Goodell's "Don't be a punk-ass like Pacman Jones" policy, and then become a starting quarterback in a league that features Tavaris Jackson, Kerry Collins, and Jake Delhomme as starters for playoff teams. The obvious choice for Vick is the Minnesota Vikings. Seriously, they're hoping they can get a Super Bowl out of a quarterback battle between Sage Rosenfels and the aforementioned T-Jack. Vick's comeback will be well documented, and then poorly portrayed in a movie. I see it going something like this.
The Comeback
What will actually happen: Vick signs with the Vikings and receives modest backlash from fans and other players. During his season in which he sits out, he declines most interviews. He makes an exception for ESPN's Michael Smith, but reveals very little about his time in the joint, any dog fighting details, and his year-long suspension.
In the movie: Vick (played by Ludacris) signs with the Vikings, even though owner Zygi Wilf (played by Mario Cart's "Wario") is totally against it. The only reason he goes along with it is because Brad Childress (played by "Kevin" from The Office) fights for him, constantly saying "I believe in him," while violins play as background music. Even Vick wonders if the comeback is worth it: he's receiving death threats, his heart isn't into it, and worst of all, he continues to have flashbacks the dog fight. We find out in the film that Michael allowed his younger brother Marcus (played by "Chance" from A Real Chance at Love) to live with him after his own NFL career dwindled. Marcus was having dog fights in his brother's backyard, and with Michael gone all the time at workouts and charity events, he had no clue what was going on. One night, Michael comes home to find a make-shift stadium in his backyard, with a championship fight between a two dogs ("Eddie" from Frasier vs. "Baxter" from Anchorman). He is shocked at the sight, and as Marcus hangs his head in shame, the police arrive. Michael takes the fall, bringing us back to the present day. He interviews with ESPN's Michael Smith (played by Stuart Scott), who knows that Marcus was behind the whole fighting ring. However, Vick refuses to throw his brother under the bus, and during the interview, he discovers the only way to win back his good name is to win - on the field. This brings us to training camp.
Training Camp
What will actually happen: Vick arrives in Mankato to the tune of a dozen protesters, but his teammates are fairly welcoming. By Week 2 of the preseason, he is named the starter.
In the movie: Vick arrives in Mankato (played by Canada) and needs a police escort to get through the sea of protesters. They're nothing compared to his teammates. No one will talk to him, especially star runningback Adrian Peterson (played by a constantly shirtless Will Smith). Peterson pleads for a trade, saying either Vick goes, or he goes. During practice, he fumbles every handoff on purpose. They come to blows in practice nearly every day, and Vick begins to crumble under the pressure. His performances in preseason games are subpar, and Brad Childress begins to wonder if he made a mistake with Vick. He talks it over with his wife (Scarlett Johansson) and daughter (Miley Cyrus) who tell him to just believe in him. Childress takes their advice, sits down with Vick, and says, "I believe in you," while violins play in the background. Then he sits down with Peterson, and says "Just believe in him," while violins play in the background. Peterson agrees to play alongside Vick, but his skepticism still lingers as the season opener nears.
The Season Begins
What will actually happen: The Vikings start off 2-2, but beat the Lions 26-14 in Week 5. Vick throws for 7 touchdowns, rushes for 2 more, and has 5 interceptions on the season. Morale is average; players say it's a long season, and that they are ready to start a win streak.
In the movie: The Vikings lose their first 4 games in a montage (to the tune "Dead and Gone" by T.I. and Justin Timberlake) where we see Vick get intercepted 18 times, brutally hit 73 times, and throwing his helmet to the ground in slow motion 4 times. The montage also shows Peterson shaking his head in disgust, while Childress looks on with a blank stare. Before Game 5, Jared Allen (played by WWE's John Cena) and Pat Williams (played by Rueben Studdard) tell Vick, "If you blow this game, we'll take you out," while violins play in the background. The Vikings trail the Lions 20-7 with :22 left and the ball at their 34 yard line. On a designed hail mary, Vick takes off on his own. He breaks 9 tackles, with 4 spin moves, 3 stiff arms, and 2 shake and bake moves, on his way to the end zone. 7 seconds are left, Vikings trail 20-14. Vick pleads Childress to get into the game for the onside kick. Childress says no way, until Vick says "Believe in me." Violins play in the background, as Childress sends him onto the field. On the kick, the ball hits an opponent, who is instantly pulverized by Vick. Adrian Peterson recovers, then nods at Vick. One second is left, with 45 yards to go. Once again, Vick scrambles, breaking tackles and racing away from defenders all the way down to the 3 yard line, where he is nearly pushed out of bounds. Just before his feet touch the white, he laterals to Peterson, who dives over 5 defenders into the end zone. Though we do not see an extra point kick, the Vikings win 21-20, as Peterson and Vick embrace with violins playing in the background.
The winning streak
What will actually happen: The Vikings win 6 straight games, and finish the season 11-5. They win the division and get the 3rd seed in the NFC playoffs. Vick's final stats: 21 TD passes, 7 rushing TD's, 12 INT. He gets mentioned in MVP talk, but is a long shot.
In the movie: The Vikings do not lose again in the regular season, winning each game convincingly in another montage (to the tune of "Let it Rock" by Kevin Rudolf and Lil' Wayne). We see Vick and Peterson alternating touchdowns, approximately 73 in all, hugging after each one. The Vikings head to the playoffs as heavy favorites in the NFC, but Tom Brady (played by Ryan Seacrest) and the undefeated New England Patriots look like an unstoppable force in the AFC.
The playoffs
What will actually happen: The Vikings beat the Redskins in the first round, but lose in Atlanta to the Falcons in the second round 20-10. Vick plays well in both games, but untimely fumbles by Bobby Wade and Naufahu Tahi cost them on two scoring drives.
In the movie: The Vikings storm through their first two games in the playoffs, then go to Atlanta where Vick is booed beyond belief. Fans are burning his old Falcons jerseys while they build shrines to their new quarterback Matt Ryan (played by Zac Efron from "High School Musical"). Once again, the Vikings trail with time fading. Down 45-42 with 4 seconds left and 87 yards to go, Vick passes to Peterson, who breaks three tackles, then laterals back to Vick, who shakes four defenders, then laterals to Artis Hicks (played by "Quincy" from Old School), who is tackled at the goal line in a giant pile. It takes the refs 5 minutes to separate the pile, while Vick looks on anxiously, Childress looks on with a blank stare, and violins play in the background. Touchdown is signaled, and the Vikings head to the Super Bowl. In the week leading up to the game, Marcus Vick vindicates his brother by telling all reporters on Media Day that he was in fact responsible for the dog fights. Michael Smith nods in the crowd, as Marcus and his older brother, Michael, embrace. All is forgiven. We move ahead to the game, where the Vikings trail again, 28-23. Tom Brady has just thrown the go-ahead touchdown, and just made a throat-slashing gesture to Vick, who is the only one to see it. Using this as motivation, he tries to drive the Vikings 80 yards in 19 seconds. In the final play, Vick scrambles around the defense, and dives for the pylon in slow motion as we see cut-aways of Adrian Peterson looking excited, Tom Brady looking confident, and Brad Childress with a blank expression on his face as violins play in the background. We cut back to Vick, who is now on the ground, the ball just an inch shy of the end zone as the Patriots storm the field. As Vick sits in disappointment, Peterson cheers him up by saying, "Hey man, I believe in you." They hug, and Vick walks off with pride to a slow clap led by Tom Brady. The movie then fades to black as violins play in the background.
The movie is set to hit theaters in the summer of 2011. Stay tuned for the sequel in 2012.
The Comeback
What will actually happen: Vick signs with the Vikings and receives modest backlash from fans and other players. During his season in which he sits out, he declines most interviews. He makes an exception for ESPN's Michael Smith, but reveals very little about his time in the joint, any dog fighting details, and his year-long suspension.
In the movie: Vick (played by Ludacris) signs with the Vikings, even though owner Zygi Wilf (played by Mario Cart's "Wario") is totally against it. The only reason he goes along with it is because Brad Childress (played by "Kevin" from The Office) fights for him, constantly saying "I believe in him," while violins play as background music. Even Vick wonders if the comeback is worth it: he's receiving death threats, his heart isn't into it, and worst of all, he continues to have flashbacks the dog fight. We find out in the film that Michael allowed his younger brother Marcus (played by "Chance" from A Real Chance at Love) to live with him after his own NFL career dwindled. Marcus was having dog fights in his brother's backyard, and with Michael gone all the time at workouts and charity events, he had no clue what was going on. One night, Michael comes home to find a make-shift stadium in his backyard, with a championship fight between a two dogs ("Eddie" from Frasier vs. "Baxter" from Anchorman). He is shocked at the sight, and as Marcus hangs his head in shame, the police arrive. Michael takes the fall, bringing us back to the present day. He interviews with ESPN's Michael Smith (played by Stuart Scott), who knows that Marcus was behind the whole fighting ring. However, Vick refuses to throw his brother under the bus, and during the interview, he discovers the only way to win back his good name is to win - on the field. This brings us to training camp.
Training Camp
What will actually happen: Vick arrives in Mankato to the tune of a dozen protesters, but his teammates are fairly welcoming. By Week 2 of the preseason, he is named the starter.
In the movie: Vick arrives in Mankato (played by Canada) and needs a police escort to get through the sea of protesters. They're nothing compared to his teammates. No one will talk to him, especially star runningback Adrian Peterson (played by a constantly shirtless Will Smith). Peterson pleads for a trade, saying either Vick goes, or he goes. During practice, he fumbles every handoff on purpose. They come to blows in practice nearly every day, and Vick begins to crumble under the pressure. His performances in preseason games are subpar, and Brad Childress begins to wonder if he made a mistake with Vick. He talks it over with his wife (Scarlett Johansson) and daughter (Miley Cyrus) who tell him to just believe in him. Childress takes their advice, sits down with Vick, and says, "I believe in you," while violins play in the background. Then he sits down with Peterson, and says "Just believe in him," while violins play in the background. Peterson agrees to play alongside Vick, but his skepticism still lingers as the season opener nears.
The Season Begins
What will actually happen: The Vikings start off 2-2, but beat the Lions 26-14 in Week 5. Vick throws for 7 touchdowns, rushes for 2 more, and has 5 interceptions on the season. Morale is average; players say it's a long season, and that they are ready to start a win streak.
In the movie: The Vikings lose their first 4 games in a montage (to the tune "Dead and Gone" by T.I. and Justin Timberlake) where we see Vick get intercepted 18 times, brutally hit 73 times, and throwing his helmet to the ground in slow motion 4 times. The montage also shows Peterson shaking his head in disgust, while Childress looks on with a blank stare. Before Game 5, Jared Allen (played by WWE's John Cena) and Pat Williams (played by Rueben Studdard) tell Vick, "If you blow this game, we'll take you out," while violins play in the background. The Vikings trail the Lions 20-7 with :22 left and the ball at their 34 yard line. On a designed hail mary, Vick takes off on his own. He breaks 9 tackles, with 4 spin moves, 3 stiff arms, and 2 shake and bake moves, on his way to the end zone. 7 seconds are left, Vikings trail 20-14. Vick pleads Childress to get into the game for the onside kick. Childress says no way, until Vick says "Believe in me." Violins play in the background, as Childress sends him onto the field. On the kick, the ball hits an opponent, who is instantly pulverized by Vick. Adrian Peterson recovers, then nods at Vick. One second is left, with 45 yards to go. Once again, Vick scrambles, breaking tackles and racing away from defenders all the way down to the 3 yard line, where he is nearly pushed out of bounds. Just before his feet touch the white, he laterals to Peterson, who dives over 5 defenders into the end zone. Though we do not see an extra point kick, the Vikings win 21-20, as Peterson and Vick embrace with violins playing in the background.
The winning streak
What will actually happen: The Vikings win 6 straight games, and finish the season 11-5. They win the division and get the 3rd seed in the NFC playoffs. Vick's final stats: 21 TD passes, 7 rushing TD's, 12 INT. He gets mentioned in MVP talk, but is a long shot.
In the movie: The Vikings do not lose again in the regular season, winning each game convincingly in another montage (to the tune of "Let it Rock" by Kevin Rudolf and Lil' Wayne). We see Vick and Peterson alternating touchdowns, approximately 73 in all, hugging after each one. The Vikings head to the playoffs as heavy favorites in the NFC, but Tom Brady (played by Ryan Seacrest) and the undefeated New England Patriots look like an unstoppable force in the AFC.
The playoffs
What will actually happen: The Vikings beat the Redskins in the first round, but lose in Atlanta to the Falcons in the second round 20-10. Vick plays well in both games, but untimely fumbles by Bobby Wade and Naufahu Tahi cost them on two scoring drives.
In the movie: The Vikings storm through their first two games in the playoffs, then go to Atlanta where Vick is booed beyond belief. Fans are burning his old Falcons jerseys while they build shrines to their new quarterback Matt Ryan (played by Zac Efron from "High School Musical"). Once again, the Vikings trail with time fading. Down 45-42 with 4 seconds left and 87 yards to go, Vick passes to Peterson, who breaks three tackles, then laterals back to Vick, who shakes four defenders, then laterals to Artis Hicks (played by "Quincy" from Old School), who is tackled at the goal line in a giant pile. It takes the refs 5 minutes to separate the pile, while Vick looks on anxiously, Childress looks on with a blank stare, and violins play in the background. Touchdown is signaled, and the Vikings head to the Super Bowl. In the week leading up to the game, Marcus Vick vindicates his brother by telling all reporters on Media Day that he was in fact responsible for the dog fights. Michael Smith nods in the crowd, as Marcus and his older brother, Michael, embrace. All is forgiven. We move ahead to the game, where the Vikings trail again, 28-23. Tom Brady has just thrown the go-ahead touchdown, and just made a throat-slashing gesture to Vick, who is the only one to see it. Using this as motivation, he tries to drive the Vikings 80 yards in 19 seconds. In the final play, Vick scrambles around the defense, and dives for the pylon in slow motion as we see cut-aways of Adrian Peterson looking excited, Tom Brady looking confident, and Brad Childress with a blank expression on his face as violins play in the background. We cut back to Vick, who is now on the ground, the ball just an inch shy of the end zone as the Patriots storm the field. As Vick sits in disappointment, Peterson cheers him up by saying, "Hey man, I believe in you." They hug, and Vick walks off with pride to a slow clap led by Tom Brady. The movie then fades to black as violins play in the background.
The movie is set to hit theaters in the summer of 2011. Stay tuned for the sequel in 2012.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Michael Phelps plays his (bong) hits
It's been two weeks since the photo of Michael Phelps taking a bong hit surfaced. Since then, the South Carolina police department has been working on a case to charge Phelps with possession. Phelps has decided to admit to his wrong-doings, and released a journal of his pot-smoking days.
October 25, 2004 - Party at Backstroke Bob's house tonight - things got a little crazy. After three Jag-bombs and five Smithwick's, somebody busted out a bong. Whatever, the Olympics are over, so I gave it a shot. Didn't really feel anything, so I don't know if I'll do it again.
November 15, 2004 - Had a couple buddies over tonight to watch Harold and Kumar. Speedo Steve brought some weed, so I tried it again. This time, I think I might of gotten high. It was like my facial hair was talking to me, like each hair had a little tiny face, and was screaming "Lectric Shave!!" So, I shaved off my goatee last night. Bro, that thing took like three months to grow in that full.
November 27, 2004 - Decided to buy some weed to have on my own tonight, you know, just to kick back and relax. Bad idea. This time it hit me way harder. Checked my phone this morning and saw that I called Katie Couric, Paris Hilton, and the three chicks from "Girls Next Door." Man, I hope I didn't ask any of them out again.
January 14, 2005 - Cereal has become my favoritist munchie, so I signed an endorsement deal with Kellogg's. Sure hope they don't find out I'm on the grass, that advertising dude seemed like the type who would flip on a dude for smoking the reefer dude.
April 23, 2005 - Thinking about taking a little break from the ganja. I had the biggest craving ever for Frosted Flakes last night, and called every guy named Tony that I knew to see if he was the Tiger. Those dudes were totally pissed, bro, they need to just chillax.
August 25, 2005 - Note to self - don't get high before watching tennis. I switched spots with one of those ball boys at the US Open so I could get a better look at Maria Sharapova, but then I tried to cop a feel when I ran by. Luckily everyone thinks I'm just clumsy outside of the pool. I can roll with that.
December 12, 2005 - Neil Patrick Harris is THE MAN!!!
February 1, 2006 - Filmed a commercial with Snoop Dogg, and woke up this morning in a Taco Bell bathroom.
March 13, 2006 - Filled out a celebrity March Madness bracket with ESPN after toking up and put 11-seed George Mason in the Final Four. He sounds like a chill dude.
July 4, 2006 - Spent $27,000 on bottle rockets. Used my joint to light them all off.
September 3, 2006 - How has Afroman not won a Grammy yet?
November 18, 2006 - I've been travelling around the states for the past few weeks to watch the leaves turn colors. I just think it's SOO COOL.
December 25, 2006 - I wonder if Santa Claus ever thought about trading in his reindeer for a bitchin' rocket pack.
April 3, 2007 - Chopsticks on the piano is a lot harder than people give it credit for.
May 56, 2007 - I like the month of May so much, I think it deserves more days.
October 15, 2007 - Can't decide who to be for Halloween - Kelso from That 70's Show or the old Syracuse Orangeman mascot. I love oranges.
January 1, 2008 - My New Year's resolution is to give up weed... after this year.
March 2, 2008 - The Olympics are about 6 months away, and I'm so stoked that they're in Beijing. I really hope I get to meet Jackie Chan.
May 5, 2008 - I've been looking at my medals from the 2004 games, and decided that gold is way more fun to make funny faces into than the other medals. Maybe I should try to get, like, eight of them in Beijing.
August 8, 2008 - At Beijing for the Olympics. Smoked a bowl with Andrea Kremer and promised to do an interview with her after every single race that I do. I've also decided that it looks fricken sweet to flap my arms across my chest while I'm at the starting blocks.
August 16, 2008 - Won all eight golds at the games, meaning I got more bling that Flavor Flav. Dude.
September 3, 2008 - Went to like eleventy billion interviews in the past few days, but at least the Bill and Ted movies have been on HBO.
November 17, 2008 - Partied it up in South Carolina tonight. Some dude got a picture of me while I was taking a hit off some Billy Bong Thornton. He seemed chill, though, so I don't think it's a big deal.
Just so long as no one ever finds my journal.
October 25, 2004 - Party at Backstroke Bob's house tonight - things got a little crazy. After three Jag-bombs and five Smithwick's, somebody busted out a bong. Whatever, the Olympics are over, so I gave it a shot. Didn't really feel anything, so I don't know if I'll do it again.
November 15, 2004 - Had a couple buddies over tonight to watch Harold and Kumar. Speedo Steve brought some weed, so I tried it again. This time, I think I might of gotten high. It was like my facial hair was talking to me, like each hair had a little tiny face, and was screaming "Lectric Shave!!" So, I shaved off my goatee last night. Bro, that thing took like three months to grow in that full.
November 27, 2004 - Decided to buy some weed to have on my own tonight, you know, just to kick back and relax. Bad idea. This time it hit me way harder. Checked my phone this morning and saw that I called Katie Couric, Paris Hilton, and the three chicks from "Girls Next Door." Man, I hope I didn't ask any of them out again.
January 14, 2005 - Cereal has become my favoritist munchie, so I signed an endorsement deal with Kellogg's. Sure hope they don't find out I'm on the grass, that advertising dude seemed like the type who would flip on a dude for smoking the reefer dude.
April 23, 2005 - Thinking about taking a little break from the ganja. I had the biggest craving ever for Frosted Flakes last night, and called every guy named Tony that I knew to see if he was the Tiger. Those dudes were totally pissed, bro, they need to just chillax.
August 25, 2005 - Note to self - don't get high before watching tennis. I switched spots with one of those ball boys at the US Open so I could get a better look at Maria Sharapova, but then I tried to cop a feel when I ran by. Luckily everyone thinks I'm just clumsy outside of the pool. I can roll with that.
December 12, 2005 - Neil Patrick Harris is THE MAN!!!
February 1, 2006 - Filmed a commercial with Snoop Dogg, and woke up this morning in a Taco Bell bathroom.
March 13, 2006 - Filled out a celebrity March Madness bracket with ESPN after toking up and put 11-seed George Mason in the Final Four. He sounds like a chill dude.
July 4, 2006 - Spent $27,000 on bottle rockets. Used my joint to light them all off.
September 3, 2006 - How has Afroman not won a Grammy yet?
November 18, 2006 - I've been travelling around the states for the past few weeks to watch the leaves turn colors. I just think it's SOO COOL.
December 25, 2006 - I wonder if Santa Claus ever thought about trading in his reindeer for a bitchin' rocket pack.
April 3, 2007 - Chopsticks on the piano is a lot harder than people give it credit for.
May 56, 2007 - I like the month of May so much, I think it deserves more days.
October 15, 2007 - Can't decide who to be for Halloween - Kelso from That 70's Show or the old Syracuse Orangeman mascot. I love oranges.
January 1, 2008 - My New Year's resolution is to give up weed... after this year.
March 2, 2008 - The Olympics are about 6 months away, and I'm so stoked that they're in Beijing. I really hope I get to meet Jackie Chan.
May 5, 2008 - I've been looking at my medals from the 2004 games, and decided that gold is way more fun to make funny faces into than the other medals. Maybe I should try to get, like, eight of them in Beijing.
August 8, 2008 - At Beijing for the Olympics. Smoked a bowl with Andrea Kremer and promised to do an interview with her after every single race that I do. I've also decided that it looks fricken sweet to flap my arms across my chest while I'm at the starting blocks.
August 16, 2008 - Won all eight golds at the games, meaning I got more bling that Flavor Flav. Dude.
September 3, 2008 - Went to like eleventy billion interviews in the past few days, but at least the Bill and Ted movies have been on HBO.
November 17, 2008 - Partied it up in South Carolina tonight. Some dude got a picture of me while I was taking a hit off some Billy Bong Thornton. He seemed chill, though, so I don't think it's a big deal.
Just so long as no one ever finds my journal.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Budget Cut Time
With the economy in absolute shambles, companies everywhere are doing everything they can to survive. It's no different in the sports world, as people have begun dropping their season tickets as a way to cut back. In order to win them back, teams are trying to give fans more bang for their buck. Whether it is through promotions, or cuts of their own, every team is doing their part.
-While the New York Knicks continue to clear out cap space to pursue LeBron in 2010, they've started getting the fans more involved to ease the wait. They've decided to revert back to the 1996 blockbuster hit Eddie. Instead of allowing a fan to coach the team, like what Whoopi Goldberg did in the movie, they're asking fans to disguise themselves as Stephon Marbury and complain about their $20 million contracts.
-Many teams are spending less money on a singer for the National Anthem. As a result, Tatiana Del Toro from American Idol has agreed to sing all 41 home games for the Clippers, Nets, Timberwolves, Heat, and Rockets. However, her contract might be cut short because she keeps adding words.
-The Philadelphia 76ers made some changes to the cheerleading staff by adding the girls from VH1's Rock of Love Bus. Unfortunately, the crowds have swayed from family oriented groups to thirty-something bald men, half of whom have been interviewed by MSNBC's Chris Hanson.
-Not wanting to cut their payroll at all, the New York Yankees have stopped buying steroids for A-Rod. He has to buy them on his own now. Just kidding. They'll still buy the juice for him.
-After seeing ticket sales drop due to poor quarterback play, the Minnesota Vikings addressed the problem by signing a pair of quarterbacks to duel for the starter spot. Jamie Foxx and Keanu Reeves will start battling it out in OTA's this spring.
-The Detroit Lions made a similar move, but saved money by signing a two-way player. Adam Sandler will quarterback under the name Paul Crewe, and will start at linebacker as Bobby Boucher.
-With prize money down this year, golfer Boo Weekley picked up more sponsors. They include biscuits, gravy, and Larry the Cable Guy.
-NASCAR is doing their part by making races shorter. While the mileage will be unchanged, drivers will have to be completely drunk before competing.
-Due to the high cost of maintaining the ivy at Wrigley Field, the Chicago Cubs will now line their outfield fence with recycled corks from Sammy Sosa's bats.
-The most successful campaign has come from the Dallas Cowboys, who are promoting their upcoming season with a Debbie Does Dallas theme. So far, it's been a complete money shot.
Inappropriate? Maybe, but people are coming.
-While the New York Knicks continue to clear out cap space to pursue LeBron in 2010, they've started getting the fans more involved to ease the wait. They've decided to revert back to the 1996 blockbuster hit Eddie. Instead of allowing a fan to coach the team, like what Whoopi Goldberg did in the movie, they're asking fans to disguise themselves as Stephon Marbury and complain about their $20 million contracts.
-Many teams are spending less money on a singer for the National Anthem. As a result, Tatiana Del Toro from American Idol has agreed to sing all 41 home games for the Clippers, Nets, Timberwolves, Heat, and Rockets. However, her contract might be cut short because she keeps adding words.
-The Philadelphia 76ers made some changes to the cheerleading staff by adding the girls from VH1's Rock of Love Bus. Unfortunately, the crowds have swayed from family oriented groups to thirty-something bald men, half of whom have been interviewed by MSNBC's Chris Hanson.
-Not wanting to cut their payroll at all, the New York Yankees have stopped buying steroids for A-Rod. He has to buy them on his own now. Just kidding. They'll still buy the juice for him.
-After seeing ticket sales drop due to poor quarterback play, the Minnesota Vikings addressed the problem by signing a pair of quarterbacks to duel for the starter spot. Jamie Foxx and Keanu Reeves will start battling it out in OTA's this spring.
-The Detroit Lions made a similar move, but saved money by signing a two-way player. Adam Sandler will quarterback under the name Paul Crewe, and will start at linebacker as Bobby Boucher.
-With prize money down this year, golfer Boo Weekley picked up more sponsors. They include biscuits, gravy, and Larry the Cable Guy.
-NASCAR is doing their part by making races shorter. While the mileage will be unchanged, drivers will have to be completely drunk before competing.
-Due to the high cost of maintaining the ivy at Wrigley Field, the Chicago Cubs will now line their outfield fence with recycled corks from Sammy Sosa's bats.
-The most successful campaign has come from the Dallas Cowboys, who are promoting their upcoming season with a Debbie Does Dallas theme. So far, it's been a complete money shot.
Inappropriate? Maybe, but people are coming.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
This is not Carson Daly's idea
For years, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays dwelled as the laughing stock of the American League East. In their first year after dropping the "Devil" from their name, they suddenly won 97 games and marched all the way to the World Series. Three months later, the Arizona Cardinals dropped decades of suck and made a Super Bowl run after moving from "Scum" Devil Stadium into their sparkling new University of Phoenix Stadium. Is it merely a coincidence these two historically bad programs suddenly found success? Or is it karma? Other professional teams seem to think its the latter, and they're making a few changes of their own.
-Even though they had already changed their name from the Washington Bullets, the Washington Wizards thought that perhaps the "Wizard" name promoted some sort of demonic magic. To solve this problem, and to avoid having to change their name again, they will now be known as the Washington 23ers. It's to remind people that Michael Jordan played there. Remember? No really, he did, from 2001-2003. Oh, you tried to block that out of your memory? That's unfortunate. Lets hope it sticks.
-Across town, the Washington Redskins finally gave up their racial-slur mascot. On opening day of 2009, they'll be the Washington It-Doesn't-Matter-if-You're-Black-White-Blue-Brown-Green-or-Red-Skins.
-Tredding down the same path, both the Cleveland Indians and Atlanta Braves put down the tomahawks and found more current ways to celebrate the Native American people. If there is a repeat of the 1995 World Series, the Cleveland Card Dealers will face the Atlanta Slots.
-The Oakland Raiders took the Cardinals approach of rewarding fans with a new stadium. Unlike the University of Phoenix Stadium, which rolls natural grass from outside the stadium back into the stadium for game time, the Raiders will roll in an entirely new team.
-Despite three Stanley Cups in the past fifteen years, the New Jersey Devils followed the Devil Rays example as literally as possible. The New Jersey ...s will now be the team everyone at the Prudential Center pulls for.
-Fearing their name might be too specific to one man upstairs, the New Orleans Saints are now the New Orleans Forgive-Us-Our-Sins.
-The Angels kept their name, but stopped with all of the Anaheim/Los Angeles squabbling and settled on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in Orange County with surrounding communities of Santa Ana, Huntington, and Long Beach, all located in California.
-To reward their fans, the Los Angeles Clippers played hard for a game. Okay, that never happened.
-A few individual sport athletes are starting to respect karma as well. Michael Phelps decided to connect on a personal level with his fans. Unfortunately for him, many swimming fans are potheads. South Carolina is still undecided on pressing criminal charges.
-Knowing there was no changing Wrigley Field or their long standing name, the Chicago Cubs will just call their one hundred year curse a one hundred year coincidence.
-The Detroit Lions have ignored all signs, and will go on with business as usual.
Much like the Good Lord, you can't make everyone a believer.
-Even though they had already changed their name from the Washington Bullets, the Washington Wizards thought that perhaps the "Wizard" name promoted some sort of demonic magic. To solve this problem, and to avoid having to change their name again, they will now be known as the Washington 23ers. It's to remind people that Michael Jordan played there. Remember? No really, he did, from 2001-2003. Oh, you tried to block that out of your memory? That's unfortunate. Lets hope it sticks.
-Across town, the Washington Redskins finally gave up their racial-slur mascot. On opening day of 2009, they'll be the Washington It-Doesn't-Matter-if-You're-Black-White-Blue-Brown-Green-or-Red-Skins.
-Tredding down the same path, both the Cleveland Indians and Atlanta Braves put down the tomahawks and found more current ways to celebrate the Native American people. If there is a repeat of the 1995 World Series, the Cleveland Card Dealers will face the Atlanta Slots.
-The Oakland Raiders took the Cardinals approach of rewarding fans with a new stadium. Unlike the University of Phoenix Stadium, which rolls natural grass from outside the stadium back into the stadium for game time, the Raiders will roll in an entirely new team.
-With a new stadium already on the way, Jerry Jones thought he could reward his Dallas Cowboy fans even more by signing whoever Tony Romo is dating at the time to sing the national anthem before each game. In a bikini. Between each possession.
-Despite three Stanley Cups in the past fifteen years, the New Jersey Devils followed the Devil Rays example as literally as possible. The New Jersey ...s will now be the team everyone at the Prudential Center pulls for.
-Fearing their name might be too specific to one man upstairs, the New Orleans Saints are now the New Orleans Forgive-Us-Our-Sins.
-The Angels kept their name, but stopped with all of the Anaheim/Los Angeles squabbling and settled on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in Orange County with surrounding communities of Santa Ana, Huntington, and Long Beach, all located in California.
-To reward their fans, the Los Angeles Clippers played hard for a game. Okay, that never happened.
-A few individual sport athletes are starting to respect karma as well. Michael Phelps decided to connect on a personal level with his fans. Unfortunately for him, many swimming fans are potheads. South Carolina is still undecided on pressing criminal charges.
-Knowing there was no changing Wrigley Field or their long standing name, the Chicago Cubs will just call their one hundred year curse a one hundred year coincidence.
-The Detroit Lions have ignored all signs, and will go on with business as usual.
Much like the Good Lord, you can't make everyone a believer.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
What Would Tim Tebow Do?
Now that the college football season is over, Tim Tebow can get back to his mission work. It truly is great that every year Tebow takes a mission trip with his family to help out in a third-world country. But apparently, Tebow's greatness doesn't stop there or on the gridiron. As many of you may have heard during the B(c)S National Championship Game, FOX play-by-play man Thom Brennaman said that spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow made a great impact on his life. Upon hearing this, I asked Tim to converse with a few others to see what he was capable of. The results were shocking.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Amy Winehouse tried to go to rehab, only this time she said yes.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Lauren Conrad made amends with her estranged best friend Heidi Montag. Shortly after Tebow left, Spencer Pratt tried to wrangle a three-way with his fiancee and her reunited bestie. US Magazine will update whether or not he was successful.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, O.J. Simpson decided to take a positive view on his jail sentence. He is now the inmate leader of arts and crafts time at the Nevada Federal Penitentiary.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Pacman Jones stopped making it rain.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopted a bunch of foreign kids.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Michael Bay directed a movie without a single explosion.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Terrell Owens apologized to Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb, Tony Romo, and JaMarcus Russell (just to get it out of the way now).
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Nickelback wrote an original song for the first time ever.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Simon Cowell simply said "No thanks," to American Idol contestants who weren't very good.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Chad Ocho Cinco changed his name to Chad Tebow.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, the Washington Redskins becames the Washington Ethnicity Awareness Team.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Roger Clemens all admitted to taking shots of B12.
What did you expect? Tebow's only human.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Amy Winehouse tried to go to rehab, only this time she said yes.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Lauren Conrad made amends with her estranged best friend Heidi Montag. Shortly after Tebow left, Spencer Pratt tried to wrangle a three-way with his fiancee and her reunited bestie. US Magazine will update whether or not he was successful.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, O.J. Simpson decided to take a positive view on his jail sentence. He is now the inmate leader of arts and crafts time at the Nevada Federal Penitentiary.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Pacman Jones stopped making it rain.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopted a bunch of foreign kids.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Michael Bay directed a movie without a single explosion.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Terrell Owens apologized to Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb, Tony Romo, and JaMarcus Russell (just to get it out of the way now).
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Nickelback wrote an original song for the first time ever.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Simon Cowell simply said "No thanks," to American Idol contestants who weren't very good.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Chad Ocho Cinco changed his name to Chad Tebow.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, the Washington Redskins becames the Washington Ethnicity Awareness Team.
-After spending fifteen minutes with Tim Tebow, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Roger Clemens all admitted to taking shots of B12.
What did you expect? Tebow's only human.
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